My DF: "I'm just not good at food shopping"

[MadameSzyszkoBohush]

I'm not sure if this is the right board, it's maybe more AIBU but I don't really want a fight.
Anyway, my DF was saying today how he's not good at food shopping. I think it's basically a hint to get me to do it for him, he has it to do it himself since my mum passed a couple of years ago. He's late 60s, no mobility problems etc, several supermarkets nearby and he's comfortable money wise so none of those things are an issue.

I just think women have no choice to say "I'm just not good at food shopping", they just have to crack on with it so it really winds me up.

He also misses my mum a lot naturally, but it just makes me think the main thing that he misses was her doing everything for him (which she did). Which makes me a bit cynical.

Does anyone else have this? Am I being U?

The part of that article that most resonated with me was this

I hired a private carer so that I could work. This lovely woman was boundlessly kind, calm, patient, unfazed: I am none of these things.

It's ridiculous and insulting to carers to suggest that caring is something that can be done by anyone, and that it should be done by people who have other jobs, in their spare time, for no pay.

No. It requires knowledge and skills and should be done by people who are qualified, as their job, for pay.

I think it's harsh to judge some relationships by modern standards. I think traditionally there was a division of labour that now would be considered old fashioned and enabling. A different kind of give and take, very codependant. I think it led to the two people (for better or worse) being very close indeed.

It was obvious not just about what your mum could do for him. It's not usual I think for men to bounce very quickly into a relationship where (for want of a better way of saying it) the woman just steps into dead man shoes. He hasn't done that.

When my mum is off on her own for whatever reason I often find it invite my dad over to eat. I would probably do bits and pieces like this if he wanted. He does lots of stuff like putting up pictures and mowing lawns for me. Yes it's enabling "helplessness", but if everything gets done and everyone is happy then does it matter?

Not saying you should do the shopping for your DD OP (there's some fantastic responses suggested above if you dont). Just don't judge him too harshly for it, I think if I was living a way of live with someone that was enjoyable and it was suddenly gone, I would miss it too.

This has reminded me of my FiL after MiL's funeral. We went back to his home and he went to make teas, and it became apparent he didn't know which cupboard the mugs were in . She had always made his cups of tea. As it happens none of the next generation lives close enough to fill in and take care of him in the way I'm sure he would have liked, and he's had to cope. To give him his due he has responded positively in lots of ways and embraced independence. He took a Thai cookery course and can make amazing dishes, as well as learning a range of other skills as he has done other leisure activities. I am quite sure none of this would have happened had MiL lived. They were happy with their life but he has adapted to having to be without her.

Apologies OP if I have equated your DF with the traditional gender roles of my PiLs. I suppose my point is that having to face enforced change can be a positive thing and lead people to challenge themselves and their own perceived limits.

I made a flippant comment the other day on here about cleaning the toilet

I dont clean it dh does and someone asked if my mum cleaned when i was a child

Well no, my dad did, he did all the heavy work, most of the cooking, all the ironing, all the DIY and gardening and they shared the other stuff like dusting

So no wonder i have a 'warped' view of what a man should do round the house...in that MIL thinks dh does too much

My dad also loves shopping

Hopefully some of these traditional relationships will start to change

I think he probably isn't great at it, it does take a while to get the hang of. I'm adept at budget shopping for 6 now but when recently faced with the prospect of splitting up and shopping for 2, I realised I didn't have a clue how much I'd need to allocate for food for us. Added to that, your dad is older and it's harder to learn new things as you age.

However, it's not rocket science and isn't an insurmountable task. So I wouldn't be too hard on him and would offer guidance such as helping to write a shopping list or meal plan and maybe offer to accompany him once or twice if you have the time or feel it would be beneficial, and wouldn't become a weekly expectation.

I agree that online ordering might lead to him not getting out the house as much and also, since he doesn't know his way around a supermarket well, going out to browse can be inspirational in meal planning.

Definitely don't get dragged in to doing it for him, if that's all he's angling after. He's not good at it because it's new but soon it won't be.

He might be asking for a bit of help in a roundabout way - in which case, give it to him but don't do it for him.
I wouldn't recommend online - it's good for him to get out - and if he's unfamiliar with shopping, the range of products can be overwhelming.
Help him plan out what he wants to eat over the week and then work out what he has to buy to make it and whether he already has some of the ingredients in the house. Maybe he feels he doesn't know what to get when he's in the shop. If he has a list, it's straightforward and if he can't find an item he can ask an attendant. (Ha ha - blokes are very good at doing that, aren't they??!! Not!!)
Include staples and maybe a few things he can just heat up if he doesn't fancy cooking from scratch on occasion.
Shopping can be daunting; I'm trying to teach the teenager in preparation for uni and she's hopeless too. That's the method I'm using with her.

I imagine it is hard to learn a new skill at his age, though that is no excuse for just giving up.

My brother looks after all the bills and I do worry that my SIL, who is no fool, will be a bit lost if he dies before her.

I'm slightly confused about what aspect he's "not good" at. Some basic pointers might be helpful - eg. keep notebook and pen in kitchen and jot down stuff you need as you run out of it. (Then a memory test game when you forget to take the list to the supermarket although that part isn't essential...).

Datun It might be that focusing on buying food for himself is still a little miserable. Eating together is often a huge part of a marriage.

This might be a daft idea, but in the longer term, if this is the case, might he/you be up for sharing meals once a week or something? So you/DP(?) cook one week, and he cooks the next? Then preparing a meal would be a nicer thing/incentive.