Motherhood as slavery and trauma?

[ElinorRigby]

What do people think of this piece?

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/mar/25/the-everyday-trauma-of-childbirth-made-me-stop-at-one-child

I suppose the trouble is that massively overstating the case, means that your arguments tend to get dismissed.

It's a bit like if you go round saying, 'Well all men are selfish/bastard/rapists/insert derogatory term of choice.' The tendency is to react by thinking about the various men you know who are decent human beings.

I think our experiences of motherhood are extraordinarily various and to describe a set of reactions that is near the far end of a particular kind of spectrum as pretty much universal, is unhelpful.

If you can't admit the problem you can't expect anyone to notice it

Well, yes, but it is a gamble.

Probably not for a married woman, but as unmarried woman, I would be wary.

You cannot always rely on things being done as they should be done. There is misogyny in society, and I think every woman must decide for herself what risks to take.

"Actually, I feel rather depressed" is probably safe to admit.
But "I don't feel like I have any connection to my baby and I actually resent it for the sleep-deprivation" ... well, that one can reasonably fear would be met with accusations of being a failure as mother and woman.

The war analogy is a bit ridiculous and, frankly (I should imagine) quite offensive if you've actually seen active service.....

Before modern medicine and modern warfare, a woman was more likely to die in childbirth than a man was to die in war.

And in populations that have modern medicine nor modern warfare, this still applies.

So there is that. Having experienced neither, I wouldn't judge.

Perhaps we should ask a female soldier who has children.

I don't know how you begin to stop women feeling pressurised to react or behave in a certain way after having children though.

More portrayals of normal mothers (instead of saintly mothers and horribly evil (step)mothers) in media would probably help.

Also, if it was acknowledged that giving birth is dangerous and painful, people would be more understanding of women who don't feel all happy and joyful after giving birth.

It is weird - the information that it is painful and dangerous is out there, not really hard to find it, but I still read loads of threads where people act like a woman going through pregnancy and birth and a man contributing his sperm are exactly the same thing.

Perhaps we should ask a female soldier who has children

There's only been one female soldier on the front line. Oh, hang on...

Comparing childbirth to the trauma experienced by soldiers seems to be the wrong image to me.

Childbirth can be extraordinarily painful. But it is very very rare for women to die in labour. And monitoring in pregnancy plus modern interventions mean that babies would normally be delivered successfully. So it's about creating life.

Whereas war is designed to cause injury and death,

So, my guess would be that for the majority of women, even if labour was painful and difficult and that the responsibilities of looking after a tiny baby proved to be harder than anticipated, there is usually a sense of pride in having delivered and created new life.

www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs348/en/

In 2015, globally, 303,000 women died during childbirth.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2015/may/20/armed-conflict-deaths-increase-syria-iraq-afghanistan-yemen

In 2015, globally, 180,000 people (I couldn't find a specific statistic for just men) died during war. This wasn't just soldiers but people caught up in conflict.

I don't think it is ludicrous for women to think about death whilst giving birth. My sister very nearly died whilst giving birth (she needed 7 pints of blood) and I did think it a possibility that I could die when I gave birth.

I'm confused that her birth was described as one anyone would hope for-the baby was premature, no one wants that?

I had horrendous pnd with dc3, lied to every health professional for about 8 months. I was completely losing it and self harming and planning my suicide. My easy water birth was fine, but I had a baby with reflux, she cries for about 16weeks straight.

I'm confused that her birth was described as one anyone would hope for-the baby was premature, no one wants that?

Yeah I found that confusing too. And if it was an easy birth, why did she think she was going to die?

The article was a bit all over the place I think..

I kind of get the thinking you're dying part when you're crowning, I didn't think I was dying exactly, but I would have chosen death for a split second!

Although the UK doesn't do as well as it might in terms of ensuring women survive childbirth, the link below makes it fairly clear that it's social inequality, obesity, and not accessing antenatal care which are likely to make giving birth hazardous.

A well-off, healthy, middle class woman is likely to survive the experience even is she is classed as an older mother,

The women across the world who are most likely to be in real danger in labour are probably the least likely to be writing articles in the Guardian about it.

You can off course be healthy and in good material circumstances, but very very unhappy. Which is very sad. But I wasn't satisfied by this writer's explanation of her own unhappiness. I thought it was likely to be more personal, less universal.

www.varsity.co.uk/science/8644

Logically most women in the U.K. know they won't die during childbirth but it doesn't stop some women thinking about it.

Before modern medicine and modern warfare, a woman was more likely to die in childbirth than a man was to die in war.

This may be true, but it still doesn't mean one is in any way analogous to the other.

I had three children under five and worked nightshifts part time - as many women do.

I don't remember the first few years of DD3's life. I was in a kind of fog. I think I lost years 35 - 39 really. It's all a blur. I lost myself.

Now children are older, working ft I really am getting myself back. But it was tough for a while. And I didn't recognise that it was tough I was too busy coping.

You might be unlikely to die as a result of pregnancy or birth, but it's still very much possible to end up with a condition that could be painful and/or embarrassing for a long time. I mean thinking about it, it seems incredible that women are expected to go home as soon as possible after birth to look after a tiny human being. Even an "easy" birth is really hard work.

In today's world where there aren't always enough professional resources and people often live far away from their families, it's no wonder many women seriously struggle. And that's just the first few weeks. Never mind the cumulative effects of sleep deprivation in the following months. For my next kid, I hope to be living in a country where I can afford help. I cannot imagine doing this all again and having to look after another small child. No way.

QuentinSummers
I did not say for a long time because I was worried they would begin sending social services or take my baby away.

kind
I was commenting more on this specific woman because I found her very annoying.
I can understand people not saying anything, what bugs me is she seems to have expected people to magically notice. And it isn't ok to peddle a myth that all new mothers know not to say anything.

Thank you Quentin. I see what you mean. Also, I admit I replied without having read the article you referred to.