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Original poster

Public marriage proposals

54 replies

ki0kA · 08/01/2017 22:44

From time to time, we see on the news a man making a marriage proposal to his girlfriend in some event. I've reflected about that subject and I believe there are three kind of men who do that:

1 - Men who are well intentioned and want to make a surprise to their girlfriends that they think they will like and feel special;

2 - Men who do it basically to show off and have their 15 minutes of fame, so to speak;

3 - Men who are afraid that their girlfriends won't want to marry them and, by making their marriage proposal publicly, they will force them to accept, because all those people who are watching are waiting for the "right" answer (yes) and if she says "no", all people will think "poor guy, he made her such a beautiful surprise and she said no. How can she be so cruel?"

So what's your opinion about this? Do you agree with any of those categories I've mentioned? None of the above? What do you think about public marriage proposals?

OP posts:
NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 09/01/2017 17:20

I think public proposals are very uncomfortable to watch. Shouldn't the wedding be the public declaration?

There was a news story in my hometown about a woman whose boyfriend proposed via billboard and she went missing. The dynamics of their relationship sounded very untoward.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 09/01/2017 17:23

I had a public proposal. It was spontaneous and surprising, and we now have a funny story to tell about how we got engaged. However, I'm very introverted and in a different location, the way I was proposed to would have really been a massive pressure which I would have hated. DH proposed in public because he was a bit pissed and happened to be wielding a microphone. If we had been elsewhere it would have been far more private.

I don't feel that the proposal was intended to control me or to make me feel as though I couldn't say no, and DH wasn't showing off as such, he just got carried away with himself and we had talked about marriage beforehand so it wasn't a complete shot in the dark.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/01/2017 17:32

www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-china-37079909 This one made me very uncomfortable. The woman had just won an Olympic medal. And her moment of solo triumph, the end of years of hard work in the pool, her moment in the spotlight, all about him now. And he had won a medal the week before. Couldn't he have made HIS medal moment about her? Nope.

She said that she didn't expect it.

Elendon · 09/01/2017 17:47

It's cringe worthy behaviour, whoever does it. That's my immediate reaction to these public shows of display. Get a room and speak to each other. Creepy.

M0stlyHet · 09/01/2017 17:49

I was thinking of that MrsTP - interesting the reaction on Weibo (I think I've spelled that right - the main Chinese social media format) was overwhelmingly "he shouldn't have done that - he put her in a position where she couldn't say no, and that was wrong."

Elendon · 09/01/2017 17:50

Plus MrsTP it felt as if he had won an extra medal. She is an object to be won. Truly awful.

WantToRunAgain · 09/01/2017 18:48

God, there's some horrible shite being spouted about men on here - what crap that these are all men who are nasty, controlling!!!!

I've witnessed an awful lot of proposals and weddings in my years and it's nearly always the princessy-obsessed women who put pressure on men to do this stuff, not the other way round.

But that doesn't fit the agenda though does it?

The weddings themselves? Don't even get me started!

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/01/2017 18:50

And there were a few during the Olympics that didn't bother me as much. Couple of same sex couples but not as public and one man who won then ran over and asked his girlfriend. At least if she had said no in that case it would have ruined HIS medal winning. And it seemed spur of the moment.

I did think Weibo was broadly against the proposal, which was cheering.

M0stlyHet · 09/01/2017 19:00

Wantto - try actually reading the thread, please, before going off the deep end. Several posters including me have pointed out that in some, possibly many instances, the woman has dropped brick sized hints that the man should make a grand gesture - and this is fine (barring the pressure on the bloke to "get it right"). And also the OP very clearly distinguishes between "well meant grand gesture" and "coercive gesture". But some (get that qualifier... some not all) such proposals are coercive.

Bangs head against wall. I swear some people come onto the feminism section with the intention of wilfully misreading threads so they can misrepresent what's being said and have a whinge about how horrid all the nasty feminists are.

Elendon · 09/01/2017 19:09

But the men still do it Wantto, or is that victim blaming?

Personally, I love to see a couple who deeply love each other seal the deal legally. I've done it myself. Twice.

BantyCustards · 09/01/2017 19:19

It's not necessarily consciously nasty and controlling but given that women are generally reared to be people pleasers and men reared to be 'go getters' it's not much of a stretch to see that a public proposal bmcould be deemed as 'coercive'

It's not a level playing field in many circumstances with possibly participants who are 'willing' because hat's what they've be conditioned to believe and accept.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/01/2017 19:51

I've witnessed an awful lot of proposals and weddings in my years and it's nearly always the princessy-obsessed women who put pressure on men to do this stuff, not the other way round. And that's still an issue with the patriarchy. Because why are women so obsessed with the princessy model? Why do women tie their self-worth into what kind of wedding/proposal/ring they get?

It's a terrible model for relationships and harmful to everyone.

And the OP didn't say 'all men'. Does anyone ever say, "all men"? Because it gets spouted a lot.

Justmuddlingalong · 09/01/2017 19:58

My ExDh did the whole public proposal at the top of a french landmark. I was fucking mortified. He was showing what a controlling, manipulative shit he really was. If I'd known what was to come, I'd have lobbed the ring over the side. Grin

WantToRunAgain · 09/01/2017 20:05

M0Stly, I am a feminist. And did read the thread.

Some proposals maybe coercive, I'll give you that. But that's not what many of the posters on here have said.

MrsTerry, god alone knows - I'm not one of them so I wouldn't know.

BantyCustards · 09/01/2017 20:24

MrsTP

Exactly.

BantyCustards · 09/01/2017 20:25

You did that eventually though, Just, just to be sure?

happynewyearchum · 09/01/2017 20:27

Proposals with other people around are very cringey, up there with baby showers Envy

Justmuddlingalong · 09/01/2017 20:30

Well, like a stupid mug I married him Banty. But 2017 is the year in which I'll celebrate 17 years since I left him. Happy days! Grin

BantyCustards · 09/01/2017 20:31

👍🏻 Just

sparkleploof · 09/01/2017 20:41

While I do agree there are circumstances where a public marriage proposal is not a dream scenario and there is potential for unsavoury behaviour as many pp have pointed out.
I would like to contribute that my marriage proposal was lovely. DH and I had discussed marriage so it was on the cards. He went and bought a ring (I was unaware) and took me for a meal at the restaurant we had our first date and proposed. He had told the restaurant who provided champagne, chocolates and balloons. The whole thing was lovely. I'm quite introverted and always thought a public proposal would be mortifying but it was simply lovely :)
When it came down to it I didn't care who else was there, it was a thoughtful gesture and a lovely story.

Batteriesallgone · 09/01/2017 20:53

The controlling/abusive men I've known (two) proposed in private and then the woman had to go tell family alone. Because he didn't approve of said family, or any friends, natch. The weddings were small with as little family involvement as possible, and then the married couple faded into almost-obscurity where he could control her without any of those pesky other people who cared about her getting in the way.

The idea of a controlling man doing a big proposal doesn't compute to me. But I guess I just haven't encountered that kind of controlling.

slightlyglitterbrained · 09/01/2017 20:57

If it's making an event of essentially formalising an already agreed desire to marry, then isn't that essentially a bit wedding-like? I.e. in that case a public proposal becomes more about creating a story for the couple, with an element of making the commitment public. I think public commitments are meaningful and not necessarily coercive.

I agree there's great potential for creepy behaviour - it's interesting to look at a lot of "romance" staples and question the power dynamics underlying them and whether they encourage unsavoury behaviour (making stalking "romantic" rather than creepy and abusive, for example).

SickRose · 09/01/2017 21:13

Curious as to what category you think this might fall in. At the time we were just all in disbelief and I've not really thought into it in too much. My now BIL proposed to my SIL on Facebook. Not even onto her page, he put it as his status. He had been with her all day, they had gone to their separate homes. He then made a public babbling declaration of love as his Facebook status, mentioned not having a ring yet and then finally asked her if she'll marry him. Half the family saw the status before my SIL did, one of us had to call her to let her know! And she then accepted in a comment on the status. I'm still in shock but I do have a weird feeling about their relationship. I'm wondering if maybe his was a sign of things to come.

Soubriquet · 09/01/2017 21:15

My proposal was private because that's the sort of person I am and my dh respected that

Some women expect a public proposal now days

In fact I remember there was someone who posted on here who was so dissapointed that her dh didn't do a big proposal and therefore in her head he didn't mean it

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/01/2017 21:17

Rose that seems like someone who understands neither relationships nor Facebook!