An adult dependant

[Yoshimibattling]

I've been a SAHM for 7 years. Recently separated and of course wishing I hadn't left work as feel unemployable right now. So clearly it was a bad choice for me.

I've just been reading a thread - and of course it's a common scenario - where it also seems to be a bad choice for someone else. The phrase an "adult dependant" was used and it got me thinking about my own choices.
It felt almost infantilising of the stay at home choice. But maybe that's valid?

Clearly with the benefit of hindsight I wish I was working. But is it more than a poor personal choice given my relationship status? I'm wondering if it is simply a wrong decision regardless.

I hope by posting here I'm not rehashing the old way/working debate. im more interested in thinking about the feminist opinion in choosing to be "dependent".

I think I'm asking more than the usual but if I am just starting the usual debate apologies.

The phrase an "adult dependant" was used and it got me thinking about my own choices.
It felt almost infantilising of the stay at home choice. But maybe that's valid?

I don't think a person providing full time child care is 'infantilised'- it's a division of labour within a family. It has risks for the SAHP (and I guess for the family unit because there's only one income so more vulnerable in case of unemployment etc) but many benefits too.

Having said that, I do wonder if infantilised is an apt description in some situations. My BIL's girlfriend is late 20s, no kids and works very part time- her income is way below the level that would sustain her existence IYSWIM (she's not extravagant- just doesn't earn much). Financially she is very much dependent on BIL. On the one hand, it's obviously their choice though he is not particularly happy about it. On the other hand, I really struggle to get my head around an adult woman with no dependants and no health issues who has never been financially independent and seems perfectly happy with that. It does seem, well- infantilised. I just don't get it. They're not married either- financially she's in a very vulnerable position.

I think that choosing to be SAHM is a risky choice, rather than necessarily a wrong choice - not just in case of divorce, but also in the case that something happens to either one of you - a stark division of labour like that means that if either parent is lost for some reason then the other has to start from scratch with those skills/experience.

In our society, SAHM isn't valued as highly because it doesn't directly bring home money (even though, indirectly, it's absolutely vital), which means that whoever takes the SAHM role is taking an increasing risk with every year they're not accumulating work experience and thus income, vs. the role they're doing for which there are no rewards for long service.

As to 'adult dependant' I can see why that sounds infantilising - as if the SAHP needs taking care of, when in fact, they are part of a team, who has chosen to split tasks this wan.

You would come across the term also in a damages claims for example where a court or an insurer has to assess the economic loss of a wage earner. The adult dependants could be spouses, children or parents.

In the context of a divorce I suppose "the economic family unit" or similar would be better.

I'm more interested in thinking about the feminist opinion in choosing to be "dependent".

I imagine the feminist response is you are not choosing to be "dependent"; you both chose to organise your economic family unit on that basis.

We're all brought up to aim to be independent, to have a job that sustains us, to develop and learn. We're not brought up with any expectation (these days) that as adults we'll need another adult to support us financially. So being in that position inevitably feels uncomfortable and like 'failure' even though it clearly isn't - it just doesn't fit the formula we're given for 'success.'

The situation that causes women, mainly, to become dependants is a totally artificial one and that is the main feminist issue.

A truly equal society would see that there are two main jobs adults need to do - sustain themselves and raise children, both of which are very important. In that society, raising children would be taken into account in all aspects of how adult life is organised, particularly work. However, we do not live in an equal world. We live in a world where 'women's work' is considered to be of little or no value and just an annoyance that gets in the way of 'real' work, ie men's work. Changes have been made to that, of course, in the form of maternity leave etc but those changes are all seen as accommodations and concessions rather than necessary and vital updates to an unfair system. The system itself has changed very little such that the people who usually end up with the heavier burden of childcare (ie women) find it extremely difficult to fit in to the system. It's for that reason that many women become SAHMs and are unable to support themselves financially.

There is nothing at all wrong with a couple deciding that one will earn the money and one will look after the children, if that's what suits both partners and as long as both roles are equally valued and money is equally shared. The problem arises when women are pushed out of the workforce. In the current system, being pushed out of the workforce leaves you in an incredibly vulnerable position - you are at the mercy of your partner who could abuse you, deny you money, force you stay in the relationship through fear of poverty. It also means that the vision of a 'successful' adult - ie an adult who has a career and earns money - drifts further and further out of view for women, leaving them lacking in confidence and self esteem.

The term 'adult dependant' is infantilising in our society because no one aims to be an adult dependant, it goes against our ideas of success. Telling women that they need to have both a job and children to be successful and then making it impossible for women to achieve that is one of the many ways our society screws women over.

Thanks. All really nteresting reading.

Maybe I was reading some sort of moral judgement into choosing to be an adult dependent when maybe it's just a warning about, or reflection of, the vulnerability of that position.

I was always very aware of the vulnerability involved in becoming a SAHM and worked full time after the birth of both my DC. It's odd, really, given that during the last few years of his life my DH became a SAHD, though not during the last year because he became terminally ill. We decided on this because I earned a lot more than he did, plus he hated his job, and I needed to put in a lot of hours getting my business off the ground.

Sparrowhawk's post covers the feminist analysis very well. I have always felt that for a woman to give up all paid work is very risky. No moral consideration, just practical ones. Divorce is common and post divorce most women have to get some sort of paid work. If you have been out of the workforce for many years it's almost impossible to get a career up and running again. I was very grateful that after my DH's death my financial position was unchanged. Had the position been reversed he would have found life difficult.

I am DH's dependent ATM as my visa status is linked to his. I detest it, but it is what it is (in this context). Even worse is being a "non-resident alien" according to the IRS

yeah im an adult dependant. None of the money is technically mine. Im a SAHP. The house is rented in my husbands name, all the money he earns goes into his bank account and he then transfers half after bills into mine. I do wish that SAHPs were regarded more highly.
You see all the work that you do to support your family, if it were being done by someone else they would be paid for it and regarded as doing a relevant job. Its like as soon as you do it for free rather than go out to work to pay for someone else to do it, then you are overlooked. Really this should be respected as a reasonable choice for some women as much as going out to work is.
I hope to return to work when my child is in school but i know it will be difficult as people tend to look on it as that you have been doing nothing for a few years!

We're all brought up to aim to be independent, to have a job that sustains us, to develop and learn. We're not brought up with any expectation (these days) that as adults we'll need another adult to support us financially. So being in that position inevitably feels uncomfortable and like 'failure' even though it clearly isn't - it just doesn't fit the formula we're given for 'success

I agree that this is how we should be raising our DDs but I know so many women who are still raised to find a man to provide for them.

Independence isn't even a goal so how is it ever going to be achieved?

Doesn't it depend on the sort of dependence? Someone might be dependent on another adult for financial reasons or residency rights, but otherwise would be capable of earning their own money. Some people will be physically dependent, because of physical or mental difficulties and may never be capable of earning their own income. If you're a SAHP (and it's far more likely to be the mother,) to a child with severe disabilities, you might never be in a position to be able to go back to work, and your child will be dependent when they're an adult, too.

Not entirely sure what my point is...