The gift of fear - triggering

[Italiangreyhound]

Has anyone read 'The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence (Paperback – 3 Jul 2000) by Gavin de Becker.

I got it and have not read it yet but saw this chapter posted elsewhere on Mumsnet.

I know fear is sometimes used to keep women 'in their supposed placed' but I wonder if understanding fear can help to keep us safer.

This chapter deals with a rape and may be triggering for some.

I don't want to exchange scary stories or rape details but rather to understand if learning about how or why people act (including ourselves, especially when we go against our better judgment) can help to keep us safer.

www.nytimes.com/books/first/b/becker-fear.html

Thank you for reading and no worries if no one wants to reply.

Thanks for posting this article, I found it really interesting. I do think that we have a gut instinct for when we are in danger. Sometimes it's just that we feel uncomfortable around someone or sense that there's something creepy about them.

I was once in a situation where I was in a large group of people, some of whom I knew well and others I didn't know at all. We were all watching an event taking place. As I stood in the crowd every instinct I had was screaming that there was something odd about the man standing next to me. I wasn't looking at him and we hadn't spoken to each other at all or even made eye contact but I felt an overwhelming and tingling sense of extreme unease. He was roughly twice my age. As the event ended he grabbed me and kissed me on the mouth without a word being spoken. I was absolutely stunned and moved away as quickly as possible. He followed suggesting that we share a taxi home but luckily I managed to shake him off.

I have always been struck by the way that my instincts were screaming at me to get away from him and yet I ignored them thinking that a complete stranger couldn't pose any threat surrounded as I was by people.

I had a very sheltered childhood and didn't have any instincts about men at all. As a result, I got myself into many situations where very sleazy men tried to take advantage of my naivete. I didn't understand that some desperate characters assume that the absence of outright rejection means they're in with a chance.

I was particularly vulnerable to that because I felt sorry for people without realising that there were good reasons why they were avoided.

So no conscious instincts here except what was painfully learned as a result of friends alerting me to danger. With maturity I've developed an awareness. I'm not sure what that says about the premise of the book. Perhaps that young women who have yet to develop a sexual identity are most at risk because those instincts kick in with 'coming of age'.

Myownperson is it starting to make sense now? No one is too far behind to be caught up safety.

All examples are brilliant. Thank you so much.

If I recall correctly the book doesn't talk about avoiding situations etc, it says if you feel scared, whether with a stranger, family, acquaintance, boyfriend, friend or friend's bf, pay attention to that, and be rude/get away.

Maybe Italian. Maybe others have stronger instincts so it's easier to differentiate.

Not terribly convinced that the examples demonstrate instincts actually saving anyone from danger if that was the point.

But maybe it wasn't.

Yes I do see the examples as times when it's ok to offend and look after yourself. And I wouldn't have had the confidence, for example, to leave the bedroom as BoneyJoany did, which of course she was right to do. But then I would be vaguely uncomfortable home alone with any tradesman in my bedroom (which I didn't think was unusual?). So my only options would be to avoid that scenario or ignore the fear.

But I'll read any further posts and give it a think.

Sorry for the terrible typos on last post. Should read before posting.

One of the main messages of the book is to get that confidence in trusting your instincts and speaking up. After reading it, I've gone from no confidence, always going along with situations to trusting my feelings and speaking up or removing myself from a situation without caring what the other person thinks. I'd definitely recommend reading it.

It's not just about the big scary situations either. It's the little ones that make you feel uncomfortable that you realise you don't have to put up with out of politeness. I'm a magnet for the drunks, random people who chat to you but sit too close and invade your personal space, people who stop you in the street for directions. After reading this book, I feel comfortable in walking away, ignoring these people or just saying "no!" and not engaging and not caring if I'm rude anymore.

In terms of the tradesman scenario, as well as the more confident approach of leaving if you get that gut feeling, with the general anxiety about it you can do smaller things to feel safe without worrying if the tradesman thinks it's strange. For example, not leading someone into a room where you can't leave (make them walk in first and keep back a bit). They might think you're odd ushering then in first and declining it they go to gesture you in first but that's where you have to not care. That way you're not avoiding the situation or ignoring your fear but taking precautions without worrying about seeming rude or strange.

I think it's hard to be convincing about when acting on your instincts has "saved" you, because you never know what the outcome of the scenario would've been had you not.
Lots of people prob ably can think of times where they wish they had acted. I certainly can.

I have this at the moment I have a bad feeling about a flatmate of a
Someone I know, I've only met them 3 times but the last time it clicked that I wouldn't feel safe in the house alone with him at all.

All out of earshot of my client..

First time I just didn't like him even though he is outwardly nice, 2nd time unwarranted he told me his wife had accused him of hitting her leading to their split but he denied it saying she must have blacked out. I don't know why he told me but it got me .

3rd time he made a comment about me when I was cleaning a bath/shower. I brushed it off but since then I just feel he is bad news.

I'm not entirely sure what to do there is a high chance that I will be in the house alone with him many times.

I tell myself if he is anymore forward with me and I'm alone I will have to drop the client.

It's difficult to follow your instincts as there is always doubt that you are being unreasonable or its not justified.
Basically being too nice.

I think your instincts are trying to tell you something.

1 You didn't like him although he was outwardly nice. I'm sure you were picking up on something. Maybe body language? Perhaps he smiled with his mouth but not with his eyes? The lower eyelids swell slightly with a genuine smile. When you think someone is faking a smile this cue can be what you are unconsciously seeing. Or he may have stood to close to you for someone you'd just met. Or his tone of voice might not have matched his words. There are lots of unconscious clues that he isn't behaving normally that you might have picked up on unconsciously.

2 It was inappropriately intimate for him to start telling you the details of his marriage split on the second time of meeting you. I think that telling you that his wife accused him of hitting her is testing you to see if he can tell you something that should concern you (the person who knows him best has said he is violent) and you won't take steps to avoid him.

3 What did he say to you when you were cleaning the bath?

Just going to say pretty muchvegat EmilyDickenson said.

Telling you something person and a bit creepy is very odd. If innocent, why mention it as you would never know.

My thought was he could be feeding lines about wife being bad/dishonest so if you doubt his word he could say you are just like my wife/ex or whatever! Plus why say it! Except to test the water, are you cautious etc? Him playing mind games, I think. Maybe it is true, maybe not!