Talking to dcs about porn

[CeeBeeBee]

I read this article that my bil forwarded to dh and me and it reminded me that as a parent, I would need to have honest discussion about this area with him now that he is in secondary school. It is frightening but to be honest, I really have no idea how to go about it. We have parent control on what he searches and check his browser history frequently but I know that it's not enough.
He feels comfortable enough to talk to us about puberty and sex but we've not had a talk about porn yet.

I'd like to know how others may have approached this and what you have found effective. It is almost impossible to shield him from it forever and I do t want to be passive about this.

Thanks in advance.

I never suggested people don't talk about it, Bertrand.

I'm disagreeing with the notion that a discussion about porn should involve prompting your child to give opinions and then neutrally 'respecting' said opinions.

I think porn is an area where you make it clear that there are standards of behaviour that you expect to be adhered to, as you the parent have legal and ethical responsibilities.

I agree almond

Respect his views even if you don't agree. He may go through a phase and then return to what you hope he will do

I'm not sure what there is to respect.

Lass what there is to respect is your child.

As a user of prostitutes? Because that is what commercial porn is.

I am most certainly not going to tell my children that the rights and wrongs of porn and prostitution are a matter of opinion. I would be failing as a parent if I did.

If you treat an opposing view to your own with disrespect the child may not change their mind but they will stop listening. You will have no further input into how their ideas develop.

Also, I didn't say you had to agree with them, I said respect their opinion. Disagree, discuss, debate but with respect.

Well, if by "respect" you mean "be polite" then of course. But if you mean moral relativism then no.

Actually, we don't have to respect well defined wrongs.

No one would suggest that parents needed to respect their child's rampant racism so that they will come back and discuss why they hate PoC with you a a later date. As parents we would challenge and point out the inherent wrongs of their belief system.

Xenophile

I agree, I have always been baffled at the idea of calling something an "opinion" and it suddenly becoming quasi-sacrosanct.

And even if you couldn't change a child or teenager's mind about racism, you would still set a minimum standard of behaviour expected in the house, and to some extent outside of it.

Because as a parent you set the limits and boundaries on acceptable behaviour, for the wellbeing of others, not just the teenager.

And acceptable behaviour would apply to not making racist remarks either on or offline.

So would you say:

" You are wrong, don't do it, its very bad and I know because I am older/more experienced/wiser. I am not listening to your offensive opinion. I am right because......"

Or would you say

" Well racist child why do you think that? What has lead you to form that opinion? I believe you are wrong because......."

I would suggest the first way lacks respect for the persons ability to formulate opinions and shuts the conversation down. The second way keeps the conversation going and the opportunity to change the offensive opinion is still there.

The latter shows a lack of respect for mothers as human beings. Just because I am a mother I am not obliged to have ongoing situations with teens where they say or do offensive things.

I should be setting boundaries in my own home about how I am treated and what I am exposed to.

It is important for teens to see parents model setting boundaries, so they feel able to set their own.

Miffer, regarding some of the points you have hit home. I like most of your points but just a couple seemed a little off. My DH had a body like a Greek god, it's still pretty good. But some men and women have incredible figures. But I think the point should be made that the shape of a person is no indication of how much they will enjoy or be a good match as a partner to you sexually.

Also anal sex is something some normal couples actually enjoy so I'd be probably advoiding demonising that and other more niche practices. But would say that things like anal sex and other less standard practices need to be consensual and approached with great care and consideration, on top of the agreement you already have with someone for sex.

DollyBarton

Of course, I was just giving bullet points.

I was more nuanced when actually discussing it. I thought that would be obvious.

We were chatting as as a family about our day, I mentioned this thread. My boys older teens 15 & 18 were really interested. We had a discussion and covered your points Miffer. They proved a very interesting starting point - thankyou. We also had a good discussion on feminist theories relating to porn.

We don't agree on all the issues. My children were less than impressed about bans and came up with several ways around a potential ban. The discussion then descended into technical details about how their friends got around parental controls. Apparently it's not too hard.

Childline, thinkuknow and nspcc websites have sections on porn. Might be a useful start?

Scarleteen website also has good info as does planetporn.

It's pretty much impossible to put in place controls on a computer that prevent people from viewing porn.

Saying it is not acceptable in a home and expecting that to be adhered to is a matter of trust and teens' respect for other people's boundaries. By the time kids are teens, most of their behaviour and consideration for parents and other people is going to come down to how they were raised when they were younger.

Agreed Almond, if you've spent their younger years telling them that anything goes, then I suppose suddenly gaining some morals and a backbone might be jarring. As most of us bring our children up to respect other people and not want to harm others, showing them the harms they will be propagating will just be another brick in that foundation.

This is what I'm hoping will work in our favour. DS (junior school age) genuinely recoils from violence and the idea of hurting people. If I can get across to him that sex with mutual affection, mutual enjoyment and mutual respect is one of the best things you can do with someone, and sex without these is one of the worst things that you can do to someone, and that the vast bulk of porn involves doing degrading and violent things to people who are (to put it mildly) not enjoying those things, and is a million miles from healthy sex, and get that message out there before he stumbles upon the titles upthread, then hopefully the message will get there.

I think that's sensible Mostly. What we've also done is made sure that the kids can ask anything and get factual answers, backed up with evidence if they ask for it. There's nothing that dents a child's trust in their parents than a straight question being met with a ridiculous answer.