It was year six prom here yesterday...

[BeyondVulvaResistance]

Just had to write down somewhere how frustrating it is.

DS1's year they just went to the park round the corner and climbed trees.

We had our final assembly/prize giving and then had a buffet in the school hall with our parents and teachers. The highlight was being allowed to go in the staff room

We had a leavers' ball at secondary school - it was black tie (not the big prom dresses, but most people wore long evening dresses) and people did put their hair up/wear makeup but we were 17/18. I think there were some limousines, mainly because people arrived in groups.

If you'd done all that at 11 I don't think it would be as special when you were older.

I think a formal 'prom' with ballgowns, dates, limos etc at that age is wrong for lots of reasons (some feminist, some money, some just wtf). DD's school did a leavers day out towards the end of term so they all got a fun day out to remember. Then they had a special assembly on the last day. Mums organised a 'not organised at all just turn up with a picnic' more the merrier picnic in the park at the end of the school day.

A friend's DC's school has something that they call a leavers prom but actually it's just a disco for year 6 only. Children just go in 'party clothes' (some wear dresses and make-up but not many).

I think it's bad enough that the 'prom' has become a money pit in UK senior schools. Lots of the senior school children round here get really dressed up and hire limos (shared so not quite the same cost as individual but still..) even though most of them live within walking distance. I know I'm going to have a quandry when DD is older about either making a stand against this foolishness or zipping it so DD isn't left out.

Proms seem to be the thing out here in the antipodes also. My daughter had one for leaving primary and for leaving high. I found both verging on excruciating - they are so heteronormative. First there's the getting a date, then there's the dress discussions, the hair appointments, etc. DD's high school gave the girls (not the boys) half a day off school before the prom for hair/ make up time.

To the poster who wrote (can't remember username and if I go back a page to find it my iPad will empty the comments box):
"I'll stand by what I said about "lots of women revel in this stuff". The question for feminists is why it's true, when it's clear that there are alternatives and some girls and women are choosing them. But I'd bet that over in the "Style and beauty" section of Mumsnet, you wouldn't be seeing much argument."

Choices aren't made in a vacuum. None of us are able to shed off our socialisation in order to make an entirely free choice. Just because women and girls choose something, does not make it benign from a feminist perspective. Proms are like mini weddings and teach girls about how to ready themselves for the work of finding a mate and that they are most successful at this (think prom king and queen) if they play by the rules and use their appearance to bag the highest status mate. Sickening, imo.

My son's leavers' ball bore no resemblance to what you describe. They got dressed up in party dresses, dress kilts and the odd dinner suit. Newsflash some people like getting dressed up. They didn't take dates and no one was elected king or queen. What's wrong with that ?

My daughter had her yr 6 prom last week. She wore a pretty dress and flat sparkly shoes, I thought she looked lovely but minus the fake tan and professional hair do and make up looked almost under dressed when we arrived. Tbh the whole week was so highly charged with plays, church service, leavers assembly called the final farewell and the prom plus bbq. Parents and kids all seemed overwhelmed. I admit I am a miserable bastard but I think the whole prom/leavers experience varies from school to school.

LassWiTheDelicateAir: not sure what your point is? You describe something distinctly less prom-like than is being discussed here. Yes, lots of folk like dressing up, myself included, but at the prom-like proms there is an enormous pressure on the girls to dress up in a very particular way and engage in a particular sort of behaviour.

Your post just struck me as so utterly joyless. As if putting on a pretty frock to go to a dance has to be analysed from a feminist perspective (and presumably found wanting) As if the only scenario is the one you describe.

Erm, is this not FEMINIST chat? Surely this is exactly where stuff is looked at through a feminist lens?!

And my post was not about "putting on a pretty frock to go to a dance". It was about the increasing popularity of prom-style leaving celebrations and why it's an issue.

I am really shocked, Kallyno, that in your area girls are given time off school to do make up and hair before the prom - that's appalling and really does underline the expectation that women are there to be decorative and, as you say, bag a mate. In my area the prom is equally about girls having to fulfill beauty/dress/grooming standards but there is less emphasis on having to have a date. It does seem to be all about appearances (costume and transport). Of course, it's right to examine this from a feminist perspective because, among other things, this also means it is much more expensive to send a girl to prom than it is to send a boy.

I've had DD and DS both go through the Year 11 prom circus. DD had to have floor length evening gown (very hard to do that on the cheap) whereas DS could get away with cheap suit or smart trousers/blazer combination. He walked to prom with a group of friends all dressed similarly - girls in heels and evening gowns cannot really walk down the road. There was a lot of pressure for the girls to have extra grooming services - hair/make-up/nails etc which we resisted but, obviously, boys did not have to worry about this.

The whole thing sends a clear message about what women are valued for, what expectations are placed on women's available time and money and even what restrictions there are on women's freedom to travel. And a clear message about how flexible the same expectations are for men.

That's a good point actually - I forgot that they did finish early to 'get ready'

We live in a fairly affluent area and we always just have a fun themed party (Hawaiian) in the school hall. No fancy outfits, venues or limos etc. The Kids had a ball.