Am I mad in thinking parents should share child care?

[PheasantFeather]

I run a business. So does my partner. His business, admittedly is more high pressured than mine (he runs a building company, small-med size) and I am an illustrator. I work to commission and have a very long waiting list, lots of work, website orders, admin etc. So it isn't without its stresses.
We have an 8 month baby and I didn't take maternity leave - we have been very lucky to have a very happy, placid baby and I have juggled looking after her and working since she was very small. I also work from home, which is helpful!

The reason I am asking for feedback is I do the majority of looking after the baby during the day and half the time, evening too. He works from home often but it is up to me to look after her, even when we are both trying to do work. He books meetings, goes to the gym, cycling etc but if I want to do something outside the house and sans baby, I have to ask him to look after her or organise child care. Basically, he comes and goes as he pleases and if he needs to go out while he is looking after her, he simply hands her back to me.

Don't get me wrong, he is GREAT with her and looks after her when I ask in the evenings or sometimes on Saturdays so I can work. It's just that it automatically seems to be my role, as the mother, to care for her, no discussion. And Im not sure I would want it any other way to be honest. But it just seems very backwards and I wonder why, in 2016, it is not the norm for parents, who are both self employed, to automatically share the childcare.

Are men just pre-dispositioned not to put the baby first? Or could this change?

If you want equality, you need to correct his language; I. E. He's willing to pay. How about it being both of you agreeing to pay??? The very statement means you are deferring to him which needs to stop so he doesn't think he's the boss

Your husband is being an arse and he needs to start taking care of his own kid. It's hardly rocket science to know to chat to your partner about going to the gym when you both work full time and have a small child. He's doing it because he sees the baby as your responsibility. Paying for 2 days of nursery care doesn't actually change the dynamics. Will he take the day off work if your child is sick and you have a deadline? Does he actually do 50% of the wifework in the house - not just hoovering or the occasional laundry but 50% of the emotional labour. 2 days of nursery care is a panacea not the answer.

What everyone said about you need to agree days or times of when he vs you are the default childcarer.
We got to about 6 months old with dc1 when we had this conversation (OK, I locked myself in the bathroom for a few hours and shouted at him), as even though he'd been working 2 full time jobs it was time for us both to start getting some time off.

What struck us and made it a feminist issue was when MrNC observed that no-one ever had asked him what he'd do about childcare after ds was born, whether he'd go part time, and growing up no-one had ever said to him "it'll be different after you have kids" - whereas growing up female it's always in the back of your mind. He cottoned on quick but I just kept finding things where he had never thought of them before, because no Brown Owl or aunt or anyone had ever told him anecdotes about babies.

Of course both parents should share child care.

Most parents have someone to look after their child if they both work. Have you, as a family, looked into child care so your business can continue as well as his?

Pheasant. I can see why you're frustrated but, after 3 children and all the people we have met over the years as a result, I honestly can't think of a case where the man has naturally taken an equal role / focus on the baby from the start. Regardless of whether both parents are working, men always see the woman as default carer. I know men who have come to take more responsibility, but it always seems to be a struggle over the years.

In our case, I have done all the childcare (as well as housework and cooking since day one). He has focused on his business and has been very successful. DH is great at taking the kids on outings, etc, but I know he couldn't manage the routine stuff inbetween or the repetitiveness of it all. But then I couldn't have made the money he has made either. I think each couple has to find their own balance. Wait till you have more kids!

4what - you can now count me. After 6m maternity leave, both DH and I dropped a day a week, always shared nights and look to get equal leisure time.

Op, yanbu, obviously!

4what, you can count me as well. DP and I both work four days and share everything. I find it very strange you think husband couldn't manage the routine stuff. Why on earth not? I can't imagine any grown adult not being able to do the routine stuff with children.

No experience with this yet (currently TTC) but it seems to me that biology tends to give mothers a head start with bonding and learning to care for a baby (because of birth & breastfeeding), which can easily become ingrained going forwards, but that there's no reason fathers can't also learn to carry out the "default parent" role given a chance. I have read that fathers who take extended periods of parental leave (in Scandinavian countries for example) tend to remain much more involved, having spent that time being the primary caregiver, bonding with the child and learning the ropes. Partner & I intend to parent equally if we do have a child, but I struggle with the fact that it just looks like an uphill struggle all the way against lifelong social conditioning and other barriers. (Even little things like how many men's public toilets have baby changing facilities?) Glad to hear some are managing it!

Maybe as you both run your own business you could do a shared timetable? It's quite cold and corporate but probably makes sense.

So say shes at nursery money and Tues. You each schedule yourself to do a drop off plus the morning waking prior to it. Then each schedule yourself one pick up plus two hours after it. The time in between both work. When one has the baby then the other has work/free time.

Schedule in an hour every week day of "three of us" time. Schedule one whole weekend day as "three of us" time. And so on.

So he can refer to the schedule when he wants to go do his bits. And it solidifies time for you to do your own stuff.