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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

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Original poster

Little boys policing the emotions of little girls - or just typical childish stuff?

24 replies

CherryPicking · 08/03/2016 19:44

Two little boys from my dd's yr1 class approached her today, in front of me and started ripping the piss out of her for 'having a crush' on another little boy in her class. DD is very shy, hid behind me and looked like she was about to cry. They kept on and on about it, despite my attempts to get them to think about how they would feel if someone said that to them. So is this 'just' bullying or is there an added misogynistic, policing of female emotions thing going on here? And how to encourage their teacher to nip it in the bud?

OP posts:

GreenTomatoJam · 08/03/2016 20:16

How old?

I can't imagine my son doing that - or his mates (well.. perhaps one).

It's bullying no matter what and their teacher needs to crack down.

As to policing emotions - I don't know, I've seen other parents point out girls or boys to their 4 year olds and suggest that they might like them as a girlfriend/boyfriend and I think it's crazy - some people seem to push this stuff on very young kids, and I don't get why, and I see it happen to both boys and girls, but not often enough to know if it's sex-biased

GreenTomatoJam · 08/03/2016 20:18

Oh sorry, yr1! That's crazy, outside of the inappropriate (in my opinion) parents I referenced above, most 5 year olds don't have any idea of all this stuff, bullying about it is awful.

AnnaMarlowe · 08/03/2016 20:20

I'm not sure I see a feminist issue here (IME little girls do exactly this sort of thing to little boys as well).

I do however see a parenting issue here. Two children continued to bully your child in front of you? And you had a chat with them about empathy?

I'd have shut them down immediately, threatened to tell their parents and sent them off sharpish with a flea in their ear.

candykane25 · 08/03/2016 20:31

I honk I would want to end the issue that was upsetting my child. I'd either say pack it in and clear off or distract with something different.
Then when it was just me and child, discuss how it made her feel and plan strategies for dealing with it if it occurs again.
But I think girls could do this to boys as well.

Original poster

CherryPicking · 08/03/2016 21:30

Er Anna Marlowe, you didn't see their mother walking up behind them. face like a bulldog chewing a wasp, and that was without hearing me delicately trying to challenge them. you don't know everything I said because I haven't written it here. I wasn't really up for a fist fight, but maybe that's what you like to do on the school run??

OP posts:

CherryPicking · 08/03/2016 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

CherryPicking · 08/03/2016 21:33

and candy i'm not sure honking would have helped. yes i was trying to end the issue, that's exactly why i challenged them

OP posts:

AnnaMarlowe · 08/03/2016 21:37

Cherry it's generally fairly easy to shut down nasty behaviour with a look and a few firm words.

If the mother was there so much the better. I have no problem politely discussing behaviour issues with other parents. It is entirely possible to ask someone to sort out their kids without a fist fight (or indeed an argument).

No child would make my daughter cry while I was standing next to her.

Original poster

CherryPicking · 08/03/2016 21:39

Alright Anna you can come with me next time and show me how it's done. I'm ready to bow down at your feet at your superior 6 year old/ knuckle dragging-mother putting down skills. go you!

OP posts:

Original poster

CherryPicking · 08/03/2016 21:40

shut it down, sister! you show that 6 year old who's boss!

OP posts:

AnnaMarlowe · 08/03/2016 21:42

This is Mumsnet. You start a post you get honest replies.

I apologise that you are upset by my post.

AnnaMarlowe · 08/03/2016 21:44

Cherry It's all in the scary eyes.

Original poster

CherryPicking · 08/03/2016 21:46

i just think you're barking up the wrong tree. you have to tailor your verbal response to the specific situation you're in. it's no good having an ideal bullying response because the world isn't really like that. like most parents i make the best of a bad situation, i do my best to show my children how to be reasonable and logical and deal with difficult people in a way which won't exacerbate things and i didn't appreciate being told i'd let her down.

OP posts:

AnnaMarlowe · 08/03/2016 21:58

Cherry I wasn't there, so of course I don't know. I just found the image of your daughter hiding behind you crying while these boys 'went on and on' upsetting.

I probably posted in haste, it's a reflection of my irritation that bullies increasingly get a discussion about rather than a firm statement that their behaviour is unacceptable.

As an aside, I'm not sure what it is you are imagining I would have said?

I would have been extremely reasonable and logical. I wouldn't even have raised my voice.

AnnaMarlowe · 08/03/2016 21:58

^^ that should have been "a discussion about feelings"

candykane25 · 08/03/2016 22:44

I'm not sure where I honked in my previous post, that you are objecting to.
That's the example you want to set your child, that's good for you.
The example I would want to set my child is to be firm and not take crap behaviour from bullies. For her to say I don't like that behaviour, stop. Regardless if it's a boy or girl.

candykane25 · 08/03/2016 22:50

OOH. Just seen my typo!
I think not I honk
:)

NeverEverAnythingEver · 09/03/2016 10:52

I've seen people talk about little boys and girls and having boyfriends/girlfriends and locking up your daughters etc etc. It baffles me but sometimes I find that I don't quite know how to response to this, especially when it's said "jokingly"... I have taken to not talking to people, which solves some of the problem.

OP I would talk to the teacher about this. I find it hard to deal with some parents and some children who are quite obstinate. Plus if it happens in the school the teacher needs to know.

partialderivative · 09/03/2016 22:41

I loved the 'honk' bit.

It would good to have a good honk im most threads.

In fact, it needs its own icon!

Slarti · 10/03/2016 16:07

It's kids teasing kids. I'm more concerned about your desire to frame this as misogyny and your attribution of "policing the emotions of girls" to 5 year old boys.

NeverEverAnythingEver · 11/03/2016 07:27

I didn't see OP as having "desire to frame this as misogyny".

Still, misogyny is everywhere.

longdiling · 11/03/2016 07:42

It's just kids teasing each other. I agree misogyny is almost everywhere but it wasn't there that I can see. You do kind of give the impression that you stood there for a while trying to engage them in a discussion while they continued to upset your daughter. A simple 'enough now boys, cherrydd doesn't like it' might have worked. Although perhaps you'd already tried that.

soapboxqueen · 11/03/2016 07:57

I don't think this was policing another child's emotions. It's fairly standard sort of teasing, usually copied from older siblings or parents.

I don't think this was bullying unless it's been going on for a while. It's just rotten behaviour.

I also wouldn't have discussed it with the boys. I'd have told them to stop it and go away.

I'd have a word with the teacher, reporting the incident and how upset your dd was so they can keep an eye on it.

VestalVirgin · 13/03/2016 19:46

I know that grown men like to hallucinate that women are in love with them but those boys start rather early ...

It's hard to say without knowing the boy she allegedly has a crush on.

Maybe they're trying to discourage her from liking him because they're jealous ... which is something adult men still do, and is definitely misogynist when men do it.

Or do they want her to have a crush on that boy because he is their friend?

Any way, it's bullying and you can tell their teacher that they should learn, the earlier the better, that making girls uncomfortable will get them nowhere.

There are adults who like to "tease" others this way, and they aren't very popular.

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