God, this is depressing

[Thurlow]

Father shuns household tasks

DM I know (in my defence I actually have to read the DM for work, which is both great and depressing in equal measures) but... I'm lost for words. Though not surprised, after some of the stuff I read on here.

Now I don't want to start a bunfight but it does get me thinking, is it someone's fault? Surely someone who gets away with doing nothing around the house at all gets away with it because someone else does it for them, and that someone else just gets on with the shit jobs and doesn't force their partner to help out. I'll say partner, though tbh it does seem more like men than women who avoid the boring household work.

Without picking on the people in the article, one woman blames her mother in law for mollycoddling her husband. Which it very much sounds like she does. But it got me thinking - is there someone to "blame"? (Apologies for using the words 'blame' and 'fault', I know it is not as clearcut as all that but my brain is refusing to work properly this morning and find the word I want). Is it mothers who have done everything for their DC and not taught them they need to pull their weight around the house? Is it partners who accept that their OH isn't pulling their weight around the house?

No I agree. And just realised I didn't read the third paragraph of the op :o

"Also, can you just imagine the uproar if a man came on here and said 'my wife is lazy and incompetent at housework'? I can't see MNetters saying 'oh but you're letting her get away with it'."

Why not, if he said that he was doing it all himself and looking after the children and she dumped dirty plates next to the dishwasher for him to load?

What did these couples do before children? I expect it was more equal.

I think it's more attitudes towards those at home caring for a small child. It is not really work so you have to justify being at home. A lot of people who have not been at home with said small child often can't believe how you can constantly be busy yet achieve nothing hence the 'what did you do all day?' I saw an awful thread here with the same attitude from a woman who went out to work, with the husband at home. Many comments agreed with her too.

I always said I did not work part time to clean the house but to care for the children

I agree Thurlow with your last paragraph, but when he just won't, what then?

I think one of the great benefits of cohabitation being socially acceptable is that you can find this stuff out before settling down. If I moved in with a partner who did nothing around the house or suddenly stopped and expected me to, then I'd know not to pursue the relationship (unless he genuinely sorted himself out).

I know that doesn't help anyone in existing relationships with "he doesn't see dirt" types but hopefully more and more women of the future will have higher expectations of their partners. I agree some women need to stand back as well and not get fixated on doing things their way, and definitely not get a babysitter when they already have a husband at home! How ridiculous!

Hopefully more mothers will stop running around after their sons too. My own mum runs around after my man-child brother who still lives with her so much it makes me feel sick. She irons his shirts, makes him lunch for work, cooks his dinner and breakfast. She does all cleaning around the home. This is a woman who was the higher-earner in a good career while she was married, we had a cleaner because my dad was a lazy arse.

I don't understand why she is treating my brother like this after knowing how lazy my dad was, or why she expressed shock that I don't iron my dp's pants when she didn't bring me up that way. confused]

I don't think you can completely blame mother's though. My dp's mum did everything for them, but he still is a capable, functional adult able to take care of himself and does not expect me to do more than my fair share of the housework.

My dad used to call my mum a 'slut'
( in the old fashioned sense of being slovenly) as she wasn't very house proud. He never lifted a finger around the house, apart from doing the garden.

Most of my partners have been much tidier and cleaner than me, I hate housework which I think comes from seeing my mum being a domestic drudge. I have had a couple of boyfriends though who made a hash of cooking ( on purpose I later discovered!) so that I would do it. I definitely agree women are more harshly judged than men on their ability to 'keep a good house' (yuk).

Brought up not to do housework as a chikd

Supposed to tidy my bedroom but my dad used to do it

Had to help lay the table in turns with my brother, who was smacked once for saying it was womans work

House hold chores eventually shared between working parents

When i married dh and i shared all the chores, i do more than him now as i am home more

I still dont do all the chores and when i say something needs doing DIY or chore wise he does it.

Partly luck and partly not understanding why i have to do everything...oh and laziness on my part

My dad was "complaining" that his new Dyskn is pink...and it suddenly occured to me that its because its a womans tool

I want a pink chainsaw...actually scratch that, i just want the chainsaw...no reason really

Women are judged - by other women - if their house is untidy/dirty. Men are not. I can remember my MIL many years ago complaining that they'd called in at BIL's house and "SIL hadn't even made the beds"

My DPs always complained about the state of our house and my DB's house. They complained to me and about SIL. Never to DH and about DB.

I have 3 grown up DSs who were mainly brought up by DH, who never had to do anything because he said it was quicker to do it himself. Two of them throw their rubbish everywhere and don't pick anything up. One is married to a DIL who doesn't do anything at all.

The other DS hates stuff and mess and is always tidy. Grown up DD is the same, yet wasn't raised to do housework either.

Women are judged - by other women - if their house is untidy/dirty.

I know my mil would judge me if the house would messy, but so would fil. I've heard them both talk about how awful it is that their other sil doesn't do their son's laundry or buy his Christmas and birthday presents (as in, the ones for his family).

I used to think they meant she would not wash even a sock of his if it ended up with her clothes and that if he said "Can you help me pick a present for my mum?" she'd refuse, and I thought that was mean. However, I've since realised they mean sil and bil share household tasks between them instead of sil doing it all. I assume they think I do everything for dp, or they talk about how hard dp has it too!