Performing Femininity and Feminism

[OneFlewOverTheDodosNest]

I've been wondering about the performance of femininity lately, how naturally it comes to some people versus others, and how it has shaped my attitude towards feminism.

For me, performing femininity has never come naturally - I can consciously mirror the actions but it's putting on an act that can be beneficial in certain situations and nothing sticks when I go back to being me, IYSWIM?

I know I've consciously chosen a more feminine appearance at work because the image of a successful businesswoman in my company means highly polished rather than just neat and professional. I'm careful to moderate my natural behaviour in meetings because assertiveness is seen as bolshiness in women. I feel like I'm playing a game without being 100% sure of the rules.

I think this pretence is, in part, why I've been drawn to feminism - because for me everything gender based is an act I'd be happy to be rid of. I'm sure some women find it comes naturally and would probably think this is strange, but is anyone else consciously playing along? And am I somehow doing feminism a disservice for my own benefit?

I've got a lot of thoughts jumped in my head about this that I'm trying to make sense of, but I'd love to hear others thoughts.

[madwomanbackintheattic]

Yy vv - but explicitly required as 'performance', not reality. And limited to actual stage performance. Whereas the life long performance of femininity is altogether more all-consuming, if you follow the stage directions...

We have not experienced any physical requirements or even preferences in terms of shape/ size (that are allegedly rampant in terms of inducing ED etc - and dd1 is no frail nymph) just the out and out 'performance' aspects meant to trick the audience into believing that the dancers are all light feathery 'beautiful' maidens floating about the stage in the half-light, rather than a herd of stomping, grunting, sweating teenagers exerting themselves and panting like dogs, after spending hours getting their eyelashes stuck on. The reality is the physicality, the aesthetic is, well, the aesthetic. Problematic for all sorts of reasons. (As is the assumption that dance is all glitter and twirls, rather than representations of DV or mental illness etc - but in the same way that a classical ballet requires 'performance', so does a representation of anything else through dance.) It has definitely given dd1 a very different attitude to the performance of femininity though. She knows full well that it is artificial.

It must become more problematic in terms of living it as a professional where your absolute raison d'être is performance. More difficult to dissociate and the lines blur between performance and reality? I don't know. As a teen who spends two months a year 'performing', there is enough distance to objectively dissect performance and reality?

I find it fascinating. It's almost enough for me to drag out the Judith Butler, but not quite.

[EBearhug]

I went to see Gina Rippon speak tonight.

I work in a techy area of IT. I've had more than one colleague in more than one job comment that, "You don't count, you're one of us," when I've done things like pull them up on lech in over a passing woman. So they don't expect me to perform feminity because they don't really see me as a woman and so can accept that I'm good at my job (ignoring that I'm way better than most of them.) I was always like this - I've never worn makeup (except nail varnish,) and my hair has always been in a style which I don't have to faff about with after swimming. But I am still definitely female, even if they don't recognise it - I'm just not stereotypically feminine, mostly.

[onahorsewithnoname]

And for my son? Who at 4 is one if two boys in his ballroom class and the only one in ballet.
He has surmised that it is better to be a girl (except when peeing), as they do more exciting stuff. And wear better clothes.

[OneMoreCasualty]

It's nice that he considers those hobbies exciting and I hope he sticks with them.

[onahorsewithnoname]

The expectation, that he will perform gender is greater, the rules stricter, and of course if he conforms, the benefits far greater.

But to my shame I steer him towards gender neutral rather than the pink glitter he would prefer.

[Etrusca]

This is an interesting thread.

Performing the stereotyped ideas of femininity doesn't come easily to me either.

I don't like make-up and I don't like high-heeled shoes. I also don't like removing body hair.

My daughter (9 years old at the moment) is currently following in my footsteps. I am not sure if she would have been like that anyway (after all, I always was), or if she is copying me. I know this may change as she hits puberty, but girls in her school are already wearing make up and she hasn't shown any interest yet. As for hobbies, she goes to a sports club, but I don't consider sports stereotypically male, except perhaps rugby. She also likes reading books about animals. Again, all this may change as she gets older.

I do what is expected of me on social occasions, the bare minimum, but I am constantly aware that it doesn't feel comfortable, and I don't feel like me.

[PassiveAgressiveQueen]

i love dressing up for special occasions, but as it is so rare it is like fancy dress. every day i look like a librarian (i have been reliably told) skirt reaches floor, jumper reaches knees.

But like a previous poster i don't think i count as a female at work, as i am in the kitchen at lunchtime talking computer games and dungeons and dragons with the biggest geeks.

Our previous child minder was orange with fake tan and foundation also claws a wild cat would be proud off.

This has really worried me for my daughter who wanted to copy her and is obsessed with my very small makeup bag. But then she also sees me excited when I do do makeup so from me learns it is exciting and buzzy.

[VestalVirgin]

@onahorse: It is kind of sad that you have to limit your sons choices so that he is not bullied (I guess that is your reason for gender neutral?)

Maybe you could make exceptions for him, such as dressing up for Halloween, etc., where he gets to have pink glitter.

And steer him towards LARP as soon as possible, if there's a community where you live. I have always been of the opinion that most men look way more interesting in their colourful LARP costumes than in they everyday life - and it is totally accepted for wizards to wear colourful robes, maybe even with glitter.

(Like the abovementioned dancing, LARP helps you notice that gender is performance. And could help a young boy realize that men CAN get to wear nice clothes too, that the reason they don't is totally made-up and cultural.)

[PassiveAgressiveQueen]

and the advantage or wizards is they don't get swords, or bows, but maybe a stave (staff)

[onahorsewithnoname]

Thanks Vestal, that sounds exciting, I'll look.

[StellaAlpina]

This is an interesting thread.

I usually wear trousers and always flat shoes to work and my make up bag only comes out for special occasions...so I don't really 'perform feminity' in that sense. I wonder if it's mainly due to the the female influences I had growing up, my mum for example only really sticks a bit of makeup on for weddings and christmas so I'm not sure how aware I would even have been of makeup as a concept when I was little. Plus my gran looked after me a lot too and she has no time for 'vanity' or 'frivolousness'.

[Elendon]

I too think this is a very interesting thread.

I was thinking about tax on 'luxury goods' such as sanitary protection, and have given my opinions on that thread. And of course the counter argument often is that men need shaving products and so they are taxed. Well they don't actually, that's their choice. But it got me thinking do women now have a choice as to whether they shave their legs and underarms and increasingly their pubic regions? Women do this to perform femininity and avoid derision from, not only their own sex, but the opposite sex as well. So it's now not a choice. Removing bodily hair cannot be for hygiene reasons as men have bodily hair and they don't think like this.

I generally don't perform femininity, though I do like to dress up occasionally. I think there is nothing more smarter than a woman in a suit, short hair, and flat shoes. The woman who dresses like this looks so fantastic and powerful.

[madwomanbackintheattic]

onahorse, we have never steered ds1. At almost 14 he is as likely to wear his MLP shirt as his glittery dr who one. (He actually prefers the MLP one. And we have bought him MLP pyjama pants for Christmas ) He took ballet until 7, but is now back in tap. At 4 the dance teacher dressed him as a merman in head to toe sequins. I do suspect that he deliberately chooses the MLP these days to subvert norms (performance if you will) but it will be interesting to see how this changes. He's a passionate advocate for people to be able to dress and act how they want to (his best friend last year was FTM) but is in all honesty a fairly average boy. I find it fascinating how he grins and subverts expectations with the MLP, and is so adamant on behalf of his friend. at the moment he likes to be 'different', so is obviously aware of what conforming looks like... I wonder if it will kick in?

I definitely agree that the rise of geek-dom and LARP has made it acceptable at least in some social circles to free your wardrobe into unorthodox realms. I don't know enough about it to consider options for women in that sphere though? Is LARP itself gendered?

[nooka]

My ds (16) also likes MLP partly in order to push other people's buttons. He's a long haired suit wearer where my dd (14) is a short (currently pink but often blue) haired, baggy shirt and leggings/jeans kind of girl. I like that they are both comfortable wearing what they want to, regardless of social expectations. ds more than dd because he is much more confident and outgoing and actively enjoys winding people up and then slapping them down when they show their prejudices. Not totally sure whether that's a positive trait!

I would have described myself as not very feminine. I certainly don't consciously perform femininity, in that I'm naturally very scruffy and have to check that I'm not quite inappropriately dressed at times. I never wear make up or heels, rarely wear dresses/skirts and usually have had my hair short. Oh and i don't wear a bra (too uncomfortable). I can be a bit dominant/aggressive too, although I am also socially shy. When we did gender testing a while back I scored as a man (not even a trans man, but a biological man, showing to me how ridiculous those tests are). However reading some of the earlier comments about being thought of as a bit butch if you aren't actively feminine I checked with my dh and he said he thought that I had very feminine mannerisms. Which surprised me a lot. Hew even said I walked like a woman, something I've always put down to heels.

I've been very lucky at work and can't remember much sexism beyond my early experiences as a junior manager in the NHS with some of the senior doctors. I am in a very specialist field though, so I know that my knowledge and expertise is in short supply.

[JeanneDeMontbaston]

This is such an interesting thread, wish I'd seen it earlier! I'm quite feminine in the way I look and dress. I haven't work trousers for years. It is physically much more comfortable. OTOH I rarely bother with the level of 'feminine' grooming a lot of women who dress much less 'feminine' than I do, do bother with. Swings and roundabouts.

I am slightly uncomfortable about some of the ideas around 'performing femininity'. There seems to be an increasing drive, not to make it ok for women to dress how they like, nor to help each other to stop the 'performing' bit, but to celebrate masculinity. It's just going from one narrow stereotype to another one. I'm thinking that 'dapper lesbian' look, if you know what I mean, which has crossed over into mainstream? I think is a great look, don't get me wrong, but it is nevertheless a very clear performance of identity, isn't it?

I know women who have very time-consuming styled haircuts, who spend a lot of money on tailored shirts and fancy shoes, and some who wear binders - those things are not, I would argue, less restrictive/expensive than 'traditional' markers of performed gender like high heels and painted nails.

And as someone who wears dresses and looks feminine, it slightly irritates me when I get patronising comments about how easy it must be for me, given I 'conform'.

[FreshwaterSelkie]

This is an interesting conversation, I'm intrigued to see how many different perceptions there are about performing femininity, and how well or badly we all think we do it.

I'm a middle of the road performer. I have long hair, but it's rarely styled and my make up bag can go untouched for weeks at a time. Jeans in winter, shorts in summer. Hair off lower legs and underarms and anything that would hang out of a bathing suit. Nails short and unpainted.

I've gone through phases of being much more conforming, particularly when I worked a corporate job - tailored suits, high heels, manicures etc. I always thought of it as a kind of drag, it was just a costume that I had to wear. Likewise for going out clothes, it would amuse me to wear a tiny little dress, big hair, loads of makeup and sky high heels - because I'm already six foot, wearing heels is quite entertainingly subversive when it makes you tower above most men. Much hilarity can ensue I CBA any more with that though, I'd rather be comfy.

[onahorsewithnoname]

I went to a funeral yesterday, this thread was high up in my mind as I waited outside the church for a friend. (She's poor at performing femininity and had her trousers tucked into her socks when she arrived) Me I'd done the frock leggings and boots thing - I don't own black trousers.
Most of the women were not doing anything like a performance, whiskers unplucked, sensible footwear, no makeup.
The one or two that had looked out of place, silly.
Most of the people who attended were country, farming people, a few racing and hunting folk, and a couple of publicans

The performance and the need to do it must be age and class specific.

Or am I missing something?

[PassiveAgressiveQueen]

I think it might be a class thing but that is real quicksand territory

[Elendon]

What are masculine clothes?

Women in the 1920s started to wear trousers, though many women had subverted this 'male' wearing of fashion before then. The fashion for female trousers were very different from what the men wore at that time. Eventually, male clothes fashion copied the female fashion. This carried on, especially important was the introduction of shorts for men, most liberating and the abandonment of garters to hold up socks.

The backlash came in the 50s when women were put back in their place after the war effort. With the 60s came the women's liberation movement and (funny enough - no coincidence whatsoever), the mass marketing of the contraceptive pill, which had been developed and tested in the 30s.

Cue cute short dresses, suggestive of sexual availability, without pregnancy, and women could be sexual beings themselves, without censure (but still having to conform to gender difference).

What we have now are women crippled with high stiletto heels, tight dresses that restrict movement and display body. This all within the workplace.

[Elendon]

Today I look particularly fetching

I just hate this phrase.

[onahorsewithnoname]

Please what is MLP?
And today I'm wearing (twirls Miss World Style) riding wellies,waterproof leggings (lined) navy waterproof parker style thing (inherited) topped with a liberal layer of slurry (cow shit).
Underneath jeans with holes, cashmere jumper (EBay I think it's a women's) silk vest (man's from a climbing shop) underwear knickers -Sainsbury, bra - EBay, legs and muff as nature intended, armpits shaved.

[onahorsewithnoname]

Oh and several pairs of mens socks

[PassiveAgressiveQueen]

I had to google MLP my little pony, so they are 'bronies'