I'm not totally sure what I want to get from this thread - I think I just need to rant a bit and see if anyone else out there feels the same way I do, if I may?
I recently read the KPMG Cracking the Code report (www.kpmg.com/UK/en/IssuesAndInsights/ArticlesPublications/Pages/cracking-the-code-research–behavioural-differences-in-the-workplace.aspx) after it was linked from the Justine-shouldn't-have-said-that thread in AIBU. One bit (among lots of good stuff) particularly resonated with me - that women's careers can often have a slower burn to them in terms of the person's ambition. Women are less likely then men to start out intending to get to the top, but such ambition builds over time.
So it was with me. I joined my current workplace almost straight from uni in a standard graduate role. It took me seven years to achieve my first promotion (most of that time I was very unsure if I'd ever leave the coalface, or even how much I wanted to), but only five to achieve my second - and that was with two lots of 9 months maternity leave within those five years, and working between 25-32 hours per week for the whole of it, vice full-time as before. The second promotion partly came about because I was lucky in finding a team that really wanted me and could use my skills best at the higher grade, but mainly because I went on a big ZHOOOOOOM (that's a technical term) of personal development over that period and...well, got a lot better at lots of things, basically.
So, after the second promotion I was left thinking ok, I've achieved middle management. I have maybe 30+ years work left in me before I retire. Do I want to spend the whole of that time at my current level or do I want to try and move even higher? I think I want to move higher, actually. How much further might I be able to get? I want to find out! So I'm now more ambitious than ever and trying to do as much as I can to develop my skills even further in the relevant areas.
I'm still working part time (28 hours, hoping to go up to 32 soon if childcare arrangements change). I'm bloody fed up of it. I've done it for five years and I'm very frustrated at not being able to do more and develop faster. I also need to travel as part of the job (on average one night away every couple of months, though it's been more lately as I did some training). This is generally possible with enough notice, but sometimes there is huffing from DH as he claims I haven't consulted him when planning travel even though I blatantly have and he's just forgotten...
Separately, I also struggle in my days at home - my two boys are lovely and generally good, but toddler wrangling (plus before and after school care of Reception child) is stressful and tiring and generally unrewarding and I worry it's not doing them much good being with me sometimes. On bad days I just about manage to keep them safe and fed but I spend a lot of the rest of the time crying.
Here's the rub. DH has always worked full time. He doesn't want me to go full-time as it would mean using more childcare, and he doesn't think children should be away from their parents that long. Apparently his job is too important and they are too short staffed for him to consider going part time, even though we both work for the same large employer that is generally very good at accommodating flexible working requests (he's also the better paid out of the two of us, though as I've pointed out to him, this differential would be much smaller if I was working more and ascending the pay ladder faster). A few weeks ago I had a bit of a meltdown and begged for us to find a way to change things as it is sending me crazy (I had horrible PND after DS2 btw); between us we couldn't find any way that would allow me to go full time or do more travel, but he has started doing sole childcare one pm/evening a week so I can stay late at work - this is making a huge difference to me. But that seems to be the limit of what we can achieve.
Am I being totally unreasonable and selfish in feeling this way? Should I just try and can it until the children are older and everything's a bit easier? Please don't slag DH, he's amazing in just about every way except that I just don't think he quite understands how crazy it's sending me that out of the two of us, it only seems to be my career that has suffered through having children - at the time we took the decisions I was happy to do the long maternity leaves but since the horrible experience second time around and the promotion at work, I'm just so OVER the whole bloody thing it's not TRUE. It just doesn't seem FAIR. Is there anything else I can say or do to try and make myself feel better?