I have a female 'pimp'

[needhelptogetout]

I really hope this is the correct place to post, I wasn't sure where to put this and hope it doesn't offend in any way.

I'll just come out with it. Due to an incredibly traumatic childhood in the extreme, me and my siblings were moved around the country for a year or two before finally 'settling' in my grandparents home when I was 14. My grandfather (now dead) tried to abuse me - the first time I froze and the second time I hit him and swore at him, so it never did happen again, but I could not live at home after that it did not feel safe. So I ran away aged 15 and lived with a series of unsuitable older men, which is where I met a guy when I was 16 who was the bouncer in a strip club and a brothel. I started at 17.

Ever since then I have tried to get out of prostitution, but I have always come across financial barriers such as now being a single parent of one, at one time I had a drug problem but thankfully no longer, and I have a chronically painful health condition for which I have tried to pay for private medical help and I worry eventually it will cause me to not be able to work , work in the normal sense I mean.

I've never liked or enjoyed anything about prostitution, I just saw/see it as need's must I suppose. I no longer do even full prostitution I stopped that years ago because I just couldn't bare it anymore.

Now I am early 30s and the past few years I have been becoming more and more uncomfortable in my psyche with it. I hate being looked at as if a piece of meat being sized up for consumption, being compared to others, and the constant threat of violence and even just how demoralising it is for me to have to deal with boundary pushing unsavory idiots which are about 2/3 of punters and also the secrecy from my family. I tried recently to go back to education, but I couldn't finish the course, I had almost a nervous breakdown trying to pass as a 'normal' person when I realised sadly I have no idea how to relate to most people after my experiences.

I've gradually come to the final conclusion that no amount of money is worth the turmoil it causes me, and I've been working out a strict financial budget so my expenses will be covered hopefully (please please let it remain that way!) by state benefit until I find a normal job, of which I am applying.

However I have a serious problem in the form of a female parasite/'friend'. Originally I enlisted the help of this woman I met who also worked in the same agency whom I got to know quite well so I thought, after an incident where I was working alone and a client had tried to strangle me. I was so shaken up I offered to pay her to be security for me. Fast forward to now and it has become one of those situations where it's obvious she just sees me as a cash cow and a way to get her money. She has become really manipulative, very pushy, and mildly threatening at times. Especially when she senses I want out. There is more but I don't want to say on a public forum. She can be very directive towards me - as in "make sure you do this", and she is always giving sob stories about how poor she is etc. She will get angry if I call her and say I'm sick and can't work that day. It's ending up in a situation where she is earning about half of anything I make, and I don't even want to do it anymore at all!

The thing that is worrying me most is that I fear from what I've seen of her behaviour, is that she could very well turn nasty when her supply of money is cut off. She knows my family and friends and where my child attends school. She also could easily notify my ex partner as he lives in the same area as her. This would mean literal HELL for me and I'm sure she knows it. I'd be at risk of having him take our child. I could never bear that. Nor bear the thought of my family knowing especially with what they have been through already. When I cancelled 'work' for a week a couple months ago, she started randomly turning up at my address. Both times I wasn't home but a neighbour told me she had been knocking.

Please, if anyone has any advice short of moving half way across the country to get rid, then I'd welcome it very much..

I have thought about police, but I know that isn't a good idea because police cannot stop her easily finding some way or getting someone to anonymously notify my family.

If I need to delete this post, also I'm hoping there is a way.

I'm sorry for what you've been through and are still going through. you could try calling Eaves as they have advice about this. If you are not in London they might be able to put you in touch with a local organisation.

www.eavesforwomen.org.uk/about-eaves/our-projects/london-exiting-advocacy

I know you don't want to, but you really should have a word with the police, if just to make them away that you feel at risk from her and your ex.

Is there a local shelter or refuge you could go to?

Unfortunately the onlyvwayvto stay where you are is if she is removed or somehow decides she doesn't want your earnings any more, which seems unlikely

Thanks I will try calling eaves.

I know, maybe I will speak to the police but I know that they will not be able to stop her from notifying my ex partner. My family, although I'd be seriously upset and horrified at their knowing , i feel we'd get over it eventually, so I'd probably take the risk. But my ex that's a whole different kettle of fish altogether - he already has a decent amount of contact with our child and I'm sure that if he was given this information he would win full custody and I'd probably end up barely seeing my child .

Unfortunately the onlyvwayvto stay where you are is if she is removed or somehow decides she doesn't want your earnings any more, which seems unlikely

This is exactly how I see it . I cannot believe I'm in a situation where I now have no choice but to prostitute myself even when it is now making me ill with anxiety, in order to keep her from telling my family and ex, which the thought of causes even more anxiety. I fantasize about moving away, maybe a couple hours away at least, where it would not be feasible or practical for her to earn off me. i guess she could still tell in that case but I think it would be much more unlikely. I simply cannot move that far just now though because of the pattern of my exes contact with our child. I feel so alone with it all because I can't confide in anyone what is going on, like I would usually confide in my brother or aunt but I cannot about this.

I never thought of a refuge. I'd hate to have to do that, but maybe it is an option if i tell her i'm moving far away but go into the refuge. However my child would still have to go to the same school, which she knows and would i'm sure check, and then know i'm not anywhere far away, and tell my ex or family out of spite . It's like there's no way out....

Oh love. I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. You are being blackmailed imo, and that is a criminal offence.

I wish there were some practical support I could offer, but I echo what the others say, see if the organisation's mentioned can put you in touch with a shot hot lawyer.

X post with Buffy. And at least her lawyer has not been autocucumbered from shit hot to shot hot

Oh Need. I am so sorry that this is happening.

I'd second Buffy's suggestions, and offer a hand to hold.

Shot (sic) hot lawyers are the way to go.

Needhelp, I like your name. It's honest and to the point.

because although it will not be impossible for you to get yourself away from this woman, it will be easier with the advice and support of others.

If your "parasite" turns up uninvited, call the police. You can get a Non Molestation Order if she harrasses or threatens you. Report any threats to harm you or blackmail you.

If she tells your Ex about your past, deny, deny, deny. He can't get Residency based on malicious gossip. He would have to have proof and as intimidating as she sounds, she will not want to stand up in court and admit to breaking the law.

You have been so strong already OP find a wee bit more, get some support and get out. If you are offered Counselling, please take it.

I wish you strength, love and peace for the future Need because you deserve it.

OP You raise a lot of issues.

But, there's not much a lawyer can do without some sort of visit to a Court - shit hot / hot shot or otherwise. You wondered about a move of a couple of hours away - have you tried speaking to the child's father about making changes to the contact arrangements to allow this - were these times themselves ordered by a Court ?

A non-molestation order against your former friend isn't possible, as its restricted only to relatives and ex-partners - so called 'connected persons'. But it is possible to get a restraining order, typically though this would be part of a criminal action against her through the magistrates' court - such as a charge of harassment. It could (I think) be a condition of the order that she be forbidden from contacting your family or friends - and be condition of bail too.

Lastly, be very mindful against lying to your lawyer and to Court.

How are you doing needhelptogetout ?

I have been thinking of you.

This woman is living off your earnings, and she is preventing you from getting out of this line of work =she is your pimp. You can report her as that to the police. She wd be charged as pimping is illegal. Can you tape her when you are trying not to go out and get proof? This wd also be your answer to your family and your ex-you were afraid to stop because of your pimp.

I recognise that this thread is old and has recently been revisited, so I hope that it's okay for me to post to say that I sincerely hope that you are doing ok. And that if you aren't, you have access to some sort of support network. You are strong and wonderful and you deserve to feel safe and comfortable.