Wifework and men being ill.

[SmashingTurnips]

As you might have guessed from the title, my DH is unwell. He is normally an ok sort of bloke but being unwell seems to have brought out the entitled male side of him and I wanted to write about it here as it just occurred to me that there is a wifework element to our situation. I would like to explore it here in order to get my head around it. The basic elements are as follows;

1. An unpleasant way of speaking to me and the kids. I understand he is in pain but I'm not sure I would take the same tone in his position.

1. An expectation that I am available for his sickness. Of course I am going to bring him food and medicine and be sympathetic but I don't want to hear details / be expected to listen to a running commentary. Nor can I rearrange my work hours to accommodate his illness.

1. I don't doubt he is in a great deal of pain (doctor thinks trapped nerve) but from the way he is acting I swing from irritation to genuine worry that there is something really serious going on. DH has moments of being convinced that he has a tumour and is going to be paralysed - I find this attitude equally exhausting, irritating and worrying.

He ended up going to hospital yesterday and whilst I think that is the best place for him if the pain is as bad as he tells me, I admit that the break/peace last night was welcome.

I feel mean for saying these things because I can see that he is in a lot of pain and distress. The above has got my back up though because it feels like I'm expected to do more than act like a supportive kind partner. I feel like I'm expected to act like a wife IYSWIM?

Thanks for reading.

Yes, he's being unreasonable about the laptop. Could be out of fear about consequences at work of being off sick. Employers can be rubbish and people put expectations on themselves too.

Agree to an extent

I 'caught' my DH on his phone looking at work emails less than 48hrs after being in surgery for 8 hours! He could hardly hold the phone let alone focus, but felt he 'had to'

Or it could be that he wants to 'punish' the OP by inconveniencing her all afternoon, as he is inconvenienced by being in hospital. I'm not saying he's sitting there plotting how best to piss her off (although is doing a fine job of it anyway) but couldn't this be more of this petulance that is expressing itself in endless moaning and talking unpleasantly to his wife and kids.

I say stand firm and say no laptop til later. Given he checked himself into hospital, if he that's bothered he can check himself back out again.

Worra the term wifework comes from this book by Susan Maushart where she puts forward a theory about the unequal distribution of emotional labour in most marriages.

Thanks aging but I'm puzzled as to whether the OP thinks that this is how wives act?

In other words, if someone chooses to act like that, it's not going to matter whether they're a wife or a partner.

I think you are right about illness in patriarchal society, people's expectations and your DH getting this attitude from somewhere.

As he is a decent bloke, in normal conditions he would probably realise he was being dickish and moderate his behaviour accordingly. Pain takes the veneer off people, though. I find myself being really babyish sometimes when I am in pain. I want my (imaginary) mummy to come and make it all better.

I don't think so worra. I read it as the theoretical 'wife' in wifework.

I agree that if a man choses to act like that, it's not going to make any difference if he is legally married to the woman or not.

Oh I meant if a woman chooses to act like she's at the beck and call of the 'man of the house', but yes your point is certainly valid too.

I do think men tend to fall into the role of injured soldier patient, rather than ill husband/father. Women get ill, but remain in their roles. Men seem to sever all ties with duty, family, and become this whole new entity lying on the couch radiating 'the pain' from every pore.

Thank you again for all the replies.

Bubbles I'm very sorry to hear of your troubles, thank you for giving your perspective and best wishes.

By "being a wife" I do mean as in Wifework the book. I don't at all think that all married women are 1950s submissive wives. I am married and therefore someone's wife! I mean "wife" in a soci-political feministy way as in "what society expects of women in heteronormative relationships".

I was trying to express the difference between "loving supportive partner" (which I hope I am) and "wife as extension of her husband" (which I refuse to be!).

Ach, I don't know, I'm a bit weirded out and stressed. I know pain and the subsequent stress do strange things to people. It just all got me wondering if there is a tendency for men to expect to be nursed and the family focus to be on them whilst there is an expectation for women (wives/mothers) to carry on and focus on their families.

Men seem to sever all ties with duty, family, and become this whole new entity lying on the couch radiating 'the pain' from every pore.

Have you been a fly on my wall WeAllFloat? [weak grin]

Yes it has been rather like that.

I've had conversations with DP about this (he also has these over-dramatic tendencies). Sometimes he forgets that people exist outside of his sphere - we've spoken about this, it's I suppose a bit narcissistic - but he forgets that we have lives and things to be doing, even when he's not there - almost as if we just put ourselves in the cupboard for the day and switch back on when we get home or he needs some task performed.

He knows he does this though, so it just takes a reminder and he pulls himself up on it.

I've seen it in my dad too. If he's doing something, then mum/I are expected to 'attend' to him - we can't get on with stuff ourselves - eg. if he's doing some DIY, then he'll assume we're available to get tea, bring dustbin sacks etc. and will be annoyed if you're not, even if it's because you're busy doing something similar yourself (so obviously, you don't - even though that then means that he can justify it because it looks like you're just hanging around drinking tea - because if you start anything you get interrupted).

It is a fundamentally different experience having a visit from a male family member to a female one - a male one will expect me to be a satellite to his needs, a female one will dig in and help me with what I'm doing.

I find this interesting as I have never had a boyfriend or partner who behaved like this.

Clearly reading MN and this thread it is a thing that happens often. Plus all the "man flu" jokes at work - including from the men! What's that all about? It seems to be generally accepted that men get iller than women and/or make a bigger fuss about it.

TBF I'm not a very caring person and I have a family who take the "you don't take time off unless you're actually dead" variety so maybe I weeded them out early on or something. I might ask DH.

OP it sounds to me, from the texts and stuff, that he is being a bit off really. Yes he's in pain and scared but the stuff about "you don't care" when you are doing loads of stuff is just not on.

Thanks again for all the support. Went to the hospital and they are confident it is a herniated disc with pressure on the nerve. Scan didn't happen today but think it probably will tomorrow and hopefully it will rule out anything more sinister. They say that leg movement is good so not concerned about paralysis and hopefully not nerve damage either but a bit too soon to tell.

DH still worried that he has some kind of tumour but reassured by brusque but kind nurses.

I was patient and kind and listened to his worries / criticism of the hospital...

I still need to process this one.

Hope your DH gets his scan soon. That way they will be able to tell if surgery is needed or not, depending on how slipped it is.

for you.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I think he is acting petulantly and has a level of expectation of 'service' from you (well described by shovetheholly). Would he really offer the same to you?

And I do hope the scan comes back with good news too.

My dad has just had an operation to remove a bulging disc. He has been in awful pain, waiting for this op for months. At no point has he been shirty to my mum or expected her to wait on him hand and foot. If anything, he does too much.
So I think no excuses for the PA comments.

He has to understand that the world hasn't stopped - you still have kids whose needs have to be met and work and your own stuff to do. The laptop thing would have pissed me off and I wouldn't have done it.