Single parent and career success - is it really possible?

[frustratedinthenorth]

I am 41. And I am getting increasingly frustrated with my career, and the choices available to me.

I have name changed as I am probably going to make myself extremely identifiable with the details I post. I am so interested to see what other people in my position do - is there a solution to this?

Before children I used to earn £100k+. I was unfortunately married to a man who not only turned out to be abusive but did NO childcare at all, and since my job involved a certain level of travel and long hours, it soon became obvious that I had some decisions to make. I could either get full time care (nanny etc.) or my job had to give.

Well, yes guess what, of course it was my job that gave. I was very much also in the zone where I wasn't comfortable where actually neither of their parents would ever see the children so I gave up my job went off to get a Masters and decided that working for myself would be a flexible solution.

So I set up a business that was reasonably OK for a few years (nowhere near my previous earnings -£25k) but was flexible and enjoyable, fulfilling even. I also got divorced in that time due to abuse.

Recently the contracts we had worked on were dropped (govt funded so a consequence of the cuts) and here I find myself in an interesting position.

I don't have a financial buffer to continue the business so need to get a job for a while at least. I could easily apply and do jobs at a reasonable level - £60k plus etc. BUT how do I do it? These jobs come with long hours, and usually travel.

My DCs are 10 and 13. Is it feasible to even do this?

What do I do for the DCs? Is it ok to never really see your dcs'/ 5 weeks holiday a year? I get so split with this choice of fulfilling career or as the single parent, being there for the dcs? The thought of them basically being on their own / with an au pair etc. is so difficult (not even sure I could afford an au pair)?

I really am so torn. Do single parent women ever really achieve their career potential without something else 'giving' - i.e. their dcs?

I would really appreciate other people's views on how they organise this. I feel trapped by the options that are available. I look at successful 'career mothers' and they mostly seem to be married. Am I skewed on this?

It's a struggle I have retrained and I earn less than I did 8 years ago (I was made redundant when on maternity leave) I can't do shift work if I could I would be earning much more but I really love what I do now

It can be but something has to give somewhere for me it is money I am just comfortable and I have no savings :( unless you can afford a nanny or after school care is beyond 6pm (well in my case)

Money is the thing that has given for me too.

And yy to the 6pm thing. It really limits my options too.

I'm just feeling incredibly caged in and all that talk of 'pursue your dreams' is bollocks if you are a single parent.

I don't know why but I thought it would get easier as dc get older, the reality is its just the same.

Could job share be an option?

I am struggling with deciding what is the right balance for me too. I am retraining right now but actually dont even think i want to be working long hours for someone else and paying £££ for childcare (dc are 6 and 10) on the other hand in 10 years i will have no childcare to worry about, but two children (hopefully) in or approaching university to support, i would like at some point to get out of rented accommodation. No chance if i dont start earning big now and saving! Do i sacrifice my time with DC now for future support for them? I work part time now around studying, DC go to a great childminder but it feels like enough time separated. Its hard to know what is best.

But even when dcs are 16 - is it ok to leave them basically all the time while you are off working?

I think what has happened for me is that I always thought it would suddenly become easier and you can 'do your career' when they are in their teens, but the reality is that full-time well paid jobs require a lot of your time and I still don't feel like its the right thing to do to leave them basically to fend for themselves.

So hard. And disappointing quite honestly.

I think i'll only know the answer to that when i'm at that point. Right now im thinking 16 is so old and capable, also i was coming home to the house on my own from 13, was working at 14 and left school at 15. I ferried myself around to work and boyfriends/friends on bus or with lifts. Having said that with school being compulsory til 18 now does that mean they'll be less mature at 16/17/18 than I was? Less capable? I hope not tbh. But that said, who knows how we'll all feel when we are actually in that situation.

And yes to disappointing.

Given your children's ages it's going to be afterschool care you need. I wonder if rather than an au pair or a nanny a retired person would suit better.

I say that simply looking at the demographic of the staff at my local M&S which seems to be staffed entirely by teenagers or what are obviously retired people. You don't need a full time employee and someone wanting to augment a pension rather than looking for a full time wage might suit

I was not a single parent. I can't remember exactly when we gave up all forms of childcare. Definitely by 15. However we had only the one son. I am not sure it is fair to assume that when your eldest is 15 he/she can take responsibility for the younger.

My husband and I (it's impossible not to sound royal but I hate MN acronyms) both worked full time at demanding jobs but as that applied to both of us there had to be give and take on both sides- he knew if I had to do more than my fair share to accommodate his work then it would inevitably swing the other way. We had a nanny until age 5 and a nanny share from school age until whenever we gave up childcare.

ALass: "My husband and I (it's impossible not to sound royal but I hate MN acronyms) both worked full time at demanding jobs but as that applied to both of us there had to be give and take on both sides- he knew if I had to do more than my fair share to accommodate his work then it would inevitably swing the other way"

I think that's the thing that I am trying to get across but not in a Woe is Me type way. When you are a single parent, there is no-one to have the Give and Take with, to share the load if you like. And so the solutions become more limited, you can't just take on a demanding job unless you are prepared for your dc to have very little parental input.

I guess that is why there are a disproportionate number of single mothers in poverty.

I put this in feminism because I wanted to see what other single parents do to solve this and because it does disproportionately affect women.

Apart from overhauling the entire working practices and childcare facilities in the UK, by which time I will probably be dead, I just don't know if this is solvable.

I don't know if it's possible TBH. I'm having a bit of a downer on my own situation at the moment so take what I have to say with a pinch of salt.

DP isn't DC's father and doesn't properly live with us full time, though I love the bones of him, we've been together years and he is amazing with the DC and helping around the house. He does a lot of child care for me. The point is, however, that he 'helps' (though a lot more than a lot of the men on MN it seems). The DC are very much my responsibility. If DP wants to disappear for a weekend, he can just go. He has no commitments to concern himself with. If I want to do anything I have to orchestrate childcare.

Right now, while my childcare solutions work very well between my DP and my amazing best friend, I am not happy. I love my job and have a great career, but I feel I am never home for the DC at the moment. And thanks to the government's slashing of public services, and the sector's response of rearranging shift patterns, that's set to get even worse. For 20 weeks of the year, I basically don't see my children for 6 days at a time. My relationship with my DC definitely suffers. While my DC are close to my DP and my BF is like family, as a single parent I feel it is very important that my DC spend some time with me - their only parent (XP has had no contact for years).

At the moment, I feel chronically overworked for no good reason - what am I earning this money for if I can't enjoy the benefit with my family? - I am seriously wondering if I should quit and get something more compatible with family life. I feel constantly guilty and stressed right now.

And that's not even considering paying for childcare as it's provided by DP and BF. In the past, when I worked 9-5 hours, I used professional daycare, and ended up going without food in order to make ends meet.

So is it possible? I don't know. It may be more possible for more single parents if maintenance payments had to reflect that the NRP benefits from 'free' childcare provided courtesy of the resident parent, which would at least make childcare costs less prohibitive. But the time with family problem won't go away. TBH I think that's just the fall out of going it alone. I don't think gender equality would change that; it would simply mean that we had more single fathers in the same situation.

I think what you've brilliantly highlighted are the sexist consequences of long hours culture, an aspect of our culture that continues to cause very real detriment to many women.

Can you move into a position where hours are less brutal because there is some understanding of the need to accommodate women (e.g. the public sector? Not saying it's perfect, but it is nominally supposed to take these things into account). Any way you could rise early, drop the kids off, but be back home at a decent hour?? Getting the right kind of help, e.g. early morning assistance, could be quite useful.

I made this decision when dd was a baby. The brilliant career with high wages and very little time with dd, or the low paid, interesting but traditionally female role that fitted with normal childcare. Because dd doesn't have a dad at all, or a large extended family locally, it is just me she has, so I chose to sacrifice the career. I did think when she got to secondary age I'd start heading back towards the big career again, but now she is y7, I'm thinking realistically I'll leave it to sixth form, and start out again then, and when she's 18 or so I won't have to juggle being sole way of her having time with family and the long hours and dedication of the high paid and interesting careers I'd like.

I'm not on the breadline, just earning round national average. With a good if not impressive degree subject. But as the twat has never paid towards her, it doesn't go very far. However as the product of a financially priviledged but miserable childhood myself, my decision that she needed me there for her, above money, was always going to be swayed that way. Even though my childhood wasn't down to parents working long hours and being absent from careers. I'll also admit that if due to my deprived postcode she'd been condemned to the local sink school secondary, from my lack of income I'd also be regretting it now. Instead she's got a fully funded place at a top independent, so I've had my cake and eaten it to a large extent that way. And I had her young, so I'll still be under 40 when she's 18.

This way has worked for me so far, and more importantly appears to be working for dd. But I don't think that means it's the best solution for everyone. However either way you're screwed. My way and you know you're underachieving career wise, and buying into the fact traditionally women have less important and lower paid careers than men, and making financial sacrifices that impact your child. Do it the other way and you feel guilty about the time spent with your children, while both men and women judge you as an uncaring parent not raising your own children.

Whether we want to or not, single mums are made to demonstrate the point you can't have a great career and be seen by society as a great mum too. Dads (including single ones) who work long hours are doing a fantastic job of supporting their kids. Women though are deemed unnatural and lesser parents. Not saying that swayed my decision, just pointing out either choice and society will use it against you.

In short I don't think there is a general rule on which way is best.

I'm a full time working single mother and think am doing well in my career.

I have an au pair which makes that possible.

I tend to get home for 6pm and DD is awake late so I see her quite a lot in the evening. She says she enjoys being with the au pair for couple of hours after school and the arrangement doesn't seem detrimental. I've been building up some money in my business and plan to take a bit of time off soon.

So yes I do think it's possible.

One other thing, I just say I have to leave on time. Things seem much more flexible for working parents to me than, say, 10 years ago.

People seem to accept that you need to get home (they know you work hard when there).

Are you exaggerating with "never seeing the children"?

I don't think it would be that bad for them to only see you in the evenings and on weekends. But if you really only see them five weeks a year ... I can imagine that wouldn't be ideal. (Although totally a feasible way of parenting. Noblewomen did it all the time, back when governesses were a thing)

Solution suggestion: Have you tried to find other single mothers to share a flat/house with? I have read about this being a trend, and maybe it would lower costs and also ensure there's someone there to keep an eye on the children. (Assuming both of you don't work overtime on the same days)

An au pair?
Cheap and can just work outside of school hours, and a little cooking.
Plus a cleaner.
Depends on the amount of travel.

I did it with 5 children over the last 10 years and earn quite a bit more than your original £100k. What helped for us were schools with before and after school clubs, that I work for myself so most days I could be back reasonably early and lots of home working and I paid £30k a year for a full time daily nanny until the youngest children went to school and after that paid someone from 3 - 6pm to look after them and all day in school holidays. I did though have 20 years with a husband who worked as hard as I did and did as much as I did with the children at home so certainly those 20 years were easier than the last 10.

Loads of single mothers and single fathers work full time and still have great relationships with their children.

I think it is doable, but there are limits.

I manage to earn 50K+ as a LP and my career has never really suffered, over a series of jobs since DS was very small. I work from home 1 day / week and am also lucky enough to only have a 30min commute when I do go in. However, I have expressly said that I can only travel abroad with a lot of notice/planning and although I have a very understanding boss, this has limited me career wise at my current company as it is global (I spend a lot of time on Skype!)

Childcare mixture of childminder and wraparound school clubs - out by 7.45/home by 5.45 every day. I see a lot of DS. As said, I think that short commute is the key, as well as the type of company - mine is generally very flexible when it comes to family commitments, not just for me, but everyone and there isn't a long hours culture at all.

I think a lot of it is assessing what you want and then targeting the type of companies you would like to work for. I am currently looking around (for a variety of reasons) and I use general word of mouth/Linked In networking/Glassdoor reviews (this is really useful, if you haven't tried it) to assess which companies are family friendly. I also won't commute over 30 minutes and am also looking for UK only companies, so no travel commitments, if possible. Sounds a bit of a holy grail. but have 3 job applications progressing with companies that meet all my criteria, so it is possible.

Very best of luck.