Guilty when relaxing, being annoyed by "so what did you do today?", making work for myself

[scuzzle]

(We are not in the UK hence posting in the middle of the night!)

I just wondered if I could have a chat about the idea of trying to relax but feeling guilty that "I should be doing something". We don't have DC yet (hoping to next year), and I have more annual leave than DH, so once a year I just book a few days off work, supposedly for some "me time".

Every bloody time, DH comes home and asks "so what have you been up to today?", and I just feel so bloody guilty if I say "nothing". I also feel guilty if dinner isn't ready/washing hasn't been done/ house hasn't been cleared or whatever, even though this is supposed to be a much needed few days off for me to decompress.

However I have also noticed that because it's assumed I have all this free time (apparently in which to do household work), jobs are being given to me... so far I have had " can you parcel up and send this present" (to HIS family member). Lastly, there is a pot luck party later on in the week, again organised by someone in DH's circle not mine; yesterday DH was asking me what I was going to cook for the party, he thought I should bake something sweet and whip up something savory...!! And now I am just sitting here thinking Hang on! Why should I spend a day of my annual leave in the kitchen?

How do I stop feeling guilty for doing nothing and how do I get out of this de-facto housewife role that apparently falls to me when I take a couple of days off? Already I do all of the "thinking" wifework, plus the planning/organising too.

I suppose it depends how he spends his annual leave. If he gets plenty of 'me' time and you don't then that's definitely not on. But if DH had a day off without kids just chilling at home, I would definitely expect him to incorporate some chores or errands in there somewhere (and he would with me).

DH will do things around the house as and when I ask him to. He isn't a self-starter in that respect.

You have nothing to feel guilty for!
If you want to relax then say you're relaxing and just do it.
I assume you or dh would have made something for the party so do what you would normally do.
It makes me so annoyed whenever I read the being asked 'what did you do today?' Threads.
If my dh asks me what I did today, he's actually asking me if I did anything fun or exciting not what chores I've done.
I don't see any issues in helping out if you've got free time but if you really don't want then don't.
It's your time off. Do what you want.

You need to knock this rubbish on the head before trying to conceive.

DH would have made something for the party. But because I'm off work, it falls to me...

"No, I'm having this time off to relax. If you haven't got time to cook, but something"

It might help you if you went out. Plan day trips etc. Then if the post office is on your way, you can drop off the parcel that he has wrapped. If not, not.

Don't do it. Nip to M&S. No-one will care (and if they do, who cares)

You do need to get a grip on this before kids/maternity leave - or you'll find yourself stressed and drowning (been there)

If DP takes a day off I will appreciate a load of washing going through or something, but if he's that hard up that all he wants to do is all day playing some computer game then that's fine - I trust him to know when he needs to switch off.

Sometimes one of us will take the kids to their respective parents just to give the other one a day to pootle around doing what they choose - because sometimes you need to.

There is nothing wrong with taking a day off, there is no need to fill it if you don't want to. Give yourself permission to do that, and don't feel guilty.

DH was working yesterday, and when I popped onto the computer to check something (MN!), he said 'surely you must have some work to do'.

On a Sunday afternoon.

He was lucky he left with his head still attached to his shoulders. After 30 years full time work, and two DC with a total of 5 months maternity leave (if that), I think I'm entitled to the odd lazy afternoon.

Is there a chance when he asks "what you have been up to?" he wants to know what you have been up to, rather than wanting to know why you have done nothing?
Just say "nothing, it's my day off remember" and don't feel guilty because you shouldn't.

I will try that line Mr nosey! Really, I will. To see what he says...

Every bloody time, DH comes home and asks "so what have you been up to today?"

Because the answer can be anything from "I didn't move from this settee, I met x for lunch, I went shopping/to a gallery/ cinema"

You are making some very odd assumptions from a very innocuous question.

How do I stop feeling guilty for doing nothing and how do I get out of this de-facto housewife role that apparently falls to me when I take a couple of days off?

Does it fall to you? You and most other posters seem to be assuming it does. Is that the case or are you automatically assuming the role and putting a negative interpretation on his question which isn't there?

My husband and I often have time off separately - it never occurred to me his asking what I had been up to was anything more than a genuine interest in what I had (or hadn't ) done. I ask him the same question.

I agree with Lass actually.

If he tries to give you extra jobs or asumes you'll do them you need to put a stop to that now. And don't make the lunch for his friends! Just don't do it. When he asks tell him no.

How do I stop feeling guilty for doing nothing and how do I get out of this de-facto housewife role that apparently falls to me when I take a couple of days off?

Well you have nothing to feel guilty about, so stop. And just stop taking on the housewife role. You both work, you both live in a home. He is a grown adult, let him take care of his responsibilities and you, yours.

It's easy to feel guilty when no criticism is meant - I know I do sometimes!