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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

What's in a name?

48 replies

chris71 · 14/06/2015 07:58

Seriously, what is in a name. I guess a lot if we look at it socially. My wife and I got married last week and I have taken her last name. I wasn't pressured into it but she asked and I agreed. She just didn't want to give up hers and we wanted a common one. So done.
I wonder why it's such a big deal with people but I have been directly or indirectly been told a and asked a lot of things. My wife recommended mumsnet to me as I just wanted to talk about this. What do you guys think about this? Does it really matter to you?

OP posts:
SpringInTheStep · 14/06/2015 14:32

Tommy, I knew a fair few divorced people who still go by the tile Mrs. I don't assume they're still married, just that they were once upon a time. Same goes for Ms.

When I divorced and switched to Ms, my work colleagues accused me of "batting for the other side" - apparently it's also a preferred lesbian title? I've got my doubts about that but can't say it's something I noticed or particularly cared to.

Egosumquisum · 14/06/2015 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DishPig · 14/06/2015 14:57

Good on you OP! I know far too many men who have indicated that their wives taking their surname is a red line for them, it's BS. Just shows how arrogant they are! Everyone's just got to do what works for them. I think what you've done is great. My parents combined for a double-barrelled for me and I certainly did not expect my DW to take my name, but she did at her own choice (just never really liked her 'maiden' surname apparently).
The Spanish naming conventions generally include both the mothers and fathers surname for their kids, I like that.

TommySlimfigure · 14/06/2015 16:08

Frumpy! I'm a feminist and if somebody wants to think I'm frumpy they're welcome to go ahead and think that! i've never stumped up for a spray tan or shellac but I'm a non-smoking vegan who runs and I think that is just a different kind of vanity? Not saying I'm above vanity, but if somebody wants to call me frumpy I can take it! Ms Frumpy, here I am. Give me your best.

Yes, dishpig I love the spanish tradition.

TommySlimfigure · 14/06/2015 16:10

springinthestep I can see why in the old days that would have been a fear that would have prevented some women from going ahead and using the title Ms, but honestly, now, if strangers who hardly know me want to idly wonder if I might be a lesbian, they can go right ahead and wonder that..............

But I can see how even a decade ago, that might have prevented women from using the title Ms

GirlSailor · 14/06/2015 16:42

I've got my dad's name and it's unusual so I'd be sad to give it up. If I had a name I didn't like I may feel differently. We've decided on double barrel for our children because neither of us wanted to change our name or have a different name for the children. A friend of ours asked us about what surname our first child (due in a few months) wild have and when we said the double barrel (we thought he was asking which way round the names would go) asked us what we would do if we decide to get married. He is in his late 20s and was baffled at the idea that I wouldn't change my name and seemed to think it was selfish. When asked why I was selfish and not my partner he said he realised it didn't make much sense but the woman giving up her name just seemed nice. He thought it was hilarious that I gave my partner the option to change his name to mine too. This is a pretty standard view in my experience.

My parents divorced and my mum changed her title to Ms when I was little so I've always used that title as I don't want my marital status to be relevant on official documents. My dad has also always addressed post to me as Ms. When I correct this on documents people seem to think I'm being very difficult when I'm not at all.

OP I think you have made a great choice. People will probably find it hard to understand at first but I reckon a lot of them will realise that their first reactions of it being weird were a bit ridiculous after a bit.

Original poster
chris71 · 14/06/2015 17:40

I just realized that titles and names are such frivolous, old age things. I never knew people placed so much importance to them and Tommy, one of the reasons we did so is that my wife and I are hardcore feminists too and we had to make a statement :)

OP posts:
TommySlimfigure · 14/06/2015 18:34

Why correct strangers thoguh, if they put Ms Sailor on your documents and you actively seek to have that corrected to Mrs, isn't a bit like chasing strangers down the street telling them that you're married! Why do they NEED to know?

TommySlimfigure · 14/06/2015 18:36

i like my mum's sur name and her mum's sur name too. All those lost sur names!

Original poster
chris71 · 14/06/2015 18:57

There you go. It's all about the choice you WANT to make. No time in life to think what the social 'norms' are.

OP posts:
GirlSailor · 14/06/2015 20:36

Tommy - quite often on the documents I'm talking about they give you a page of your details and ask me to sign to say they're correct. If it has me down as Mrs not Ms then it's wrong. If my surname is wrong I correct the spelling before signing, same with the address or the number of years I've lived at the address, or family medical history. Why shouldn't I correct my title from Miss or Mrs to Ms? If it was Mr or Dr should I just leave it?

GirlSailor · 14/06/2015 21:37

Or did it sound like I correct Ms to Mrs? I mean when it's not Ms I correct it as I believe my marital status is not relevant so I'd rather it not be there. But people think Ms is a trivial thing and think I'm being difficult, where they wouldn't for the other details.

Original poster
chris71 · 14/06/2015 21:40

That's sexism right there , and it sucks!

OP posts:
AskBasil · 14/06/2015 22:10

"some people did pass comments and make fun but then it only told me who I should be friends with and who not"

Good on yer

Smile
Egosumquisum · 14/06/2015 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
chris71 · 15/06/2015 20:44

Not at all. Who needs that anyway?

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 17/06/2015 09:22

Previous names for both sexes are included where it matters, eg on passports or credit applications; for the rest, as you say, who needs it? It's not at all odd or unusual for men to change their names for reasons other than marriage, but somehow it isn't routinely catered for. Now same sex marriage is finally legal name changing conventions will no doubt become ever more fluid. Good.

I'm mischievous enough to wish that when the nosy types ask if your wife uses the title "Mrs" you would say "no, but I do". Maybe the their jaws will lock from dropping so fast.

scallopsrgreat · 17/06/2015 09:42

Well I think maiden names are needed. Women changing their names has been very effective in erasing women from history.

bolleauxnouveau · 17/06/2015 10:00

I was told that you can trace maternal mitochondrial DNA back for generations but apparently paternal mitochondrial DNA rarely persists. We're still there even when our names are gone.

Original poster
chris71 · 17/06/2015 16:07

I agree to your point about passport, etc. And I have at times said that with a serious face and their jaws did drop :) But then it's usually tough for me to hold back laughter and I laughed on their faces.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 18/06/2015 19:28

Oh, you did? Good for you Grin

almondcakes · 18/06/2015 19:51

How does changing your name work for men and women when they get married?

Do you not have to do it by deed poll if you get married? Is that the same for men and women?

Original poster
chris71 · 18/06/2015 20:54

It is the same yes. It's just a procedure to change names, got nothing to do with marriage.

OP posts:
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