Comments about personal appearance.

[SharonCurley]

What is the best way to deal with someone who is always commenting on personal appearance and making comparisons.Its mil.She does it all the time.Happened with dd today...I'd bitten my tongue for a long time but I couldn't today as I don't want any of my dds growing up with a negative view of themselves .I had and still have very low self esteem and a lot of my self worth was based on my physical appearance which makes me very sad.I am determined this won't happen with my own daughters.

You might also want to post this in Relationships.

It is your daughters' appearance she is commenting on? Yes, this will be damaging to them, as you suspect.

You need to pull her up when she does it, in front of your DDs. Say, out loud, that she is wrong to make these statements. Yes, it will be awkward and confrontational. But it's a better alternative than letting your DDs absorb what she says.

Say something like : "Silly granny! Your [hair/shoes/weight/whatever] are not as important as how strong and clever you are. And you are a very strong and clever girl!"

Do it in the moment. I think you should address your DDs, as it's what they think that is important, and getting into an argument with MIL is probably pointless. But do it in front of her - she needs to see that you won't be tolerating this.

I agree with Goats about countering it in front of your MIL. My MIL is nice but has a thing about weight and comments on my weight in front of the kids (only in a positive way, but it still annoys me). They are young enough now that it doesn't register with them but as they get older I will definitely be pointing out that commenting on other people's weight (even positively when of course 'positive' means losing weight) is rude. She even commented approvingly on me losing weight when I was so ill with PND I couldn't eat! I did say "actually I'd rather be fat and healthy," which shut her up.

I agree that granny should not be making negative comments about appearance, but I'm not sure that countering it with comments about being very strong and clever is the answer either.
Not all children are clever or strong.

Thanks for the comments.I said it to her afterwards as I couldn't let it go.Luckily dd didn't hear it but she could very easily have and I absolutely have let her know that this won't be happening again.shes also been making comments about dd2s personal appearance but in a positive way.Again I do not like this at all.Comparisons are being made.I focus on what they can do with their bodies and never talk about how somebody looks.

How old are your children?

How old are my children?Sorry but I don't understand why you are enquiring Whirlpool?

If they are a bit older, I would talk to them about how these comments are stupid and out of line and MIL can come out with some rubbish sometimes and ignore her. Because even if you have a word then she might do it when you're not listening, and if she's like that I wouldn't be confident she would stop.

If they are very little then obviously that's not a tactic that's going to work at the moment.

I think talking to her was the right thing to do but with people like that I think it's unlikely she will stop completely. She might try but if it's "normal" for her then probably wont' stop completely, she might think you're being silly and not stop / only do it when you're not listening. Without knowing her it's hard to say but you'd be lucky I think if she cuts it out completely.

But even talking about what they can do with their bodies can cause problems, if one is more sporty than the other.

Not everyone has natural 'good' looks and in the same way, not everyone is good at sport or gymnastics.
Many of us have a complex about being crap at sport.

Yes paxtecum...but I don't think the complex about not being at sport is quite as damaging.There will always be a sport or hobby they can do and they don't have to be good at it.They can do it for enjoyment.Physical appearance is very different.I like to focus on positive personality traits,things we enjoy doing,things we made a good effort at.Whirlpool you made some very valid points and I apologise for coming across rude...thought it might have been someone who knew me in rl.They are both too young to have that conversation yet .I see the damage she does to her own daughter with the comments about her size and getting her to try on clothes in front of her.They could be perfect yet she will always need a size bigger.Shes a very controlling woman and I do need some more advice as to how to deal with her as she has a very close relationship with her sons and I feel she is really affecting myself and dps relationship.The apron strings have not been cut

MY DGC are great athletes and are very agile. They have a friend who is one of the most uncoordinated child I've ever seen and the friend knows she is not sporty at all. So when the friend is around I never, ever praise the DGC on any of their physical skills but do praise the friend for their efforts.

Yes and I think what's important is that we are aware of that and as you said praise the efforts.I wasn't very sporty but I had a great teacher at secondary school who always encouraged us and set up a, b and c leagues so that everyone got a fair shot no matter what their ability...I had v little confidence but she believed in me and wanted us all to enjoy a sport.She lives locally...I must thank her for that!