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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Mean Mums - feel like I'm back at school

21 replies

NarinkaKatinka · 27/03/2015 20:44

Hi Mums

I moved to a new town three months ago. The local mums were all over me when I first moved in and it was a bit crazy with them popping in all the time. But now they seem to have dropped me for no reason and try to avoid eye contact with me in the Street and at school. Feeling so isolated, wondering why I moved here. Never felt like this around other women before but its horrible.

Anyone been in this situation and any advice?

Thanks all.

OP posts:

Binkleflip · 27/03/2015 21:02

Don't worry it's probably nothing to do with you and just feels like it because you are new in town. Front it out, keep saying hi to everyone, make eye contact, chat about the weather, volunteer for stuff at achool etc and it will pass. Either they are busy and just made time to be welcoming because you just moved or they are snippy and you will meet other people who aren't part of the clique.

If you are having a tough day with it just sing to yourself

People are strange when you're a stranger etc

Original poster

NarinkaKatinka · 28/03/2015 21:00

Thanks Binkleflip

You're right. Lovely words of wisdom and a great little tune to hum to :)

OP posts:

lazocuter · 28/03/2015 23:42

Perhaps one has started a gossipy rumour about you and when you're out they all whisper to each other "there's that woman that..."?

StillLostAtTheStation · 28/03/2015 23:50

OP I'm sorry you haven't had more replies and I don't have anything useful to suggest. I didn't really have much involvement in the school gate circle. You might try posting in another part of the forum - possibly chat or relationships.

Do your children have best friends /close friends? Perhaps you could try concentrating on them.

Please ignore the unhelpful post from lazocuter

StillLostAtTheStation · 29/03/2015 02:37

Sorry, I meant concentrate on the mothers of your children's friends - didn't mean you weren't concentrating on your children which is what it lookd like.

queensansastark · 29/03/2015 02:52

Lazocutor 's comment might be unhelpful but it's a possibility.

I've have experience of many school gates, we are expats and dd has moved around 4 schools in the last 10 years, I don't find the school gate friendly places in general, but it could be because I'm an ethic minority in some cases, but I'm slowly building up friendships/acquaintances through mums of dds good friends, dd is very sociable at school, not 'popular' as such but slightly quirky/funny/geeky.

The absolute worst I've experienced was in an affluent prep school in a leafy village where parents are obviously well off and snobbish, white and upper middle class, we had an earl s GDD attending there and you could see mums sucking up to others depending on where they see themselves in relation to others on the perceived social hierarchy. It was very snobbish and classist. I had an incident with a mum who started a nasty rumour about me just because of some birthday clash thing which I won't go into, now realise there is an actual term for it - relationship aggression. All I can say in this incident is money does not buy manners or class.

StillLostAtTheStation · 29/03/2015 03:38

I think Lazocuter's was trying to be nasty rather than truthful.

PullMySocksUp · 29/03/2015 05:42

I've been through this in various forms as I live in a expat heavy location. I find concentrating on the things that make me and my family happy has brought people into my life that I actually want to spend time with and I feel more invested in their friendships. I stay open to new friendships but spend more time on the people I like to be around.

This too shall pass.

Binkleflip · 29/03/2015 13:40

Lazocuter is just stirring and downright nasty, how does trying to make op paranoid about something totally fantasised help? It doesn't so I am all for ignoring goady fuckers and hopefully so does op.

juneau · 29/03/2015 13:50

The school gate can be a vile place and its worth remembering that and making a good life for yourself away from it. Join stuff and get involved locally and definitely don't pull all your social eggs in the school gate basket

juneau · 29/03/2015 13:52

put, not pull

queensansastark · 29/03/2015 13:58

But why is the school gate so vile though? Why do women do this to each other?

I guess that's the feminist question.

juneau · 29/03/2015 14:26

I have no idea, but its made me feel like I'm back at school on many occasions. Like school there seems to be a queen bee who everyone fawns around and if you just don't want to get involved in such nonsense you're destined to stay on the sidelines. Then there are the bossy-boots mums who try and organise everyone else and bombard them with emails (grrrr!) and harangue you if you don't reply or don't give them money or volunteer your time regularly. It leaves me cold.

Original poster

NarinkaKatinka · 20/04/2015 08:35

Thanks all for your kind advice. I found out that there had been a rumour spread about me, so it wasn't just paranoia. I'm surprised so many other people have experienced this too. It's so odd that grown women feel the need to tear eachother apart. But there are loads of great women at the school too - I mustn't let a few ruin things.

OP posts:

RolodexOfHate · 20/04/2015 09:11

This update is very sad. I have also suffered from rumours and the only thing I ever did to improve the situation was to just brazen it out and ignore/ pretend nothing has happened. Of course this can be very difficult depending on the rumour, but to ignore any hint of the pettiness and spite means things pass quicker than if you make a thing out of it.
When it passes (and it will pass!) then a few indifferent comments about how ridiculous the whole thing was has always been enough for me to really humiliate the people who were at fault. It's very satisfying.

You sound like you really have your head screwed on OP, and I hope that the situation resolves quickly. Come back anytime for a bit of support!

MePlainJaneSuperbrain · 20/04/2015 09:14

Take it as flattery - they must think you're a threat. I've had a similar situation at our local school too. Some of the parents only invite children who's mums they like rather than who their kid actually hangs out with. So sad. I just read a book about nasty mums, it was hilarious. Can't remember who it was by but it's called Lieblings. It sounds like you've got a 'sisterhood' on your hands .

Original poster

NarinkaKatinka · 20/04/2015 09:23

Thanks Rolodex, I look forward to being able to do that! I'm glad your situation resolved itself in the end.
@ PlainJane, very funny, they do actually call themselves a sisterhood! I always thought the sisterhood was an inclusive, supportive term for womankind, but not so. Apparently it's an exclusive club for overgrown children to make up spiteful rumours and laugh at other women behind their back. Funny that. I will look the book up - it might cheer me up when they're being particularly hissy.

OP posts:

SanctimoniousItches · 20/04/2015 09:31

lazocutor might be right. One woman I Know through the school gates, when I first got to know her she was polite and friendly, we swapped a few second hand paper backs. Then I saw her aunt when I was with a divorced man in a hotel. (we were in a relationship). I knew her aunt told her I was shagging a married man and she told a few people at the school. She carries herself like she's the epitome of class and I look at her and see a common gossip. She deleted me from fb, and so did some of her friends. I don't care.

But all I can say is take your focus away from the school. Join a local club, get a part-time job even if it's not one the other mums would approve of .

Just be yourself and try to zone the shalllow people out.

SanctimoniousItches · 20/04/2015 09:38

Oh, I've seen the update. Apologies for missing it. You're not the only one to go through it. :-/

Rise above it. Friends (better ones) will ifnd you.

Original poster

NarinkaKatinka · 21/04/2015 20:44

@MyPlainJaneSuperbrain I read Lieblings in two days and loved it!!! Thanks for the recommendation. Scarily similar to some of the women I know - so funny imagining who was who
I won't let the b3stards get me down!

OP posts:

MePlainJaneSuperbrain · 23/04/2015 21:11

Hey Narinka, well happy you liked Lieblings. I hope you've had a good week. When the kids get older and you're out of the primary school run you'll be free of all that silliness.

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