why do women marry older men and is this a feminist issue?

[IceBeing]

I was thinking about this mostly from the point of view of childcare burden disproportionately falling on women...

If you marry and older man, then the chances are higher that you will be the lower earner when the childcare decision gets made.

About 75-85 % of long term relationships have a younger female partner...so this might account for the bulk of gender bias in primary carer.

So is this an issue worth thinking about, and what might be done to make older female relationships more normal?

X-post with you there agent - that wasn't a response to your post, which gives a really interesring perspective

Doesn't this assume that couples make the decision on primary childcarer on a purely rational basis of higher earner at the time of childbirth, when in reality like anything else it's a lot more complex and many influences aren't that obvious.

Like the way the man's surname is somehow more often the nicest sounding one, the easiest to pronounce, the least unusual so least likely to cause teasing for the kids, the most uncommon so most in need of being passed on, etc etc.

I totally agree with you, OP.

I'm not going to read the replies because they'll probably make me & but yes it is a trend and yes it is a feminist issue as yes it does impact on career progression/salary and then on sahm decision making.

Personally I've always been perplexed as to why women generally go for older men. My last 2 DPs have been 1 & 2 years older than me but before that my relationships were with younger guys.

Slightly, I don't think it's purely on that, but it's a factor. Especially if household income is such that childcare is the same or more than one net salary.

I agree knickerful - it's not likely to be the only factor, but people will make their choice from within the range of options that they can afford

I agree with you about how our very physiology as women can put us at a disadvantage in the careers 'system.' I spent so many years get my academic qualifications and in some ways wish I hadn't because I love the job I do now and wish I could have started it sooner. But I am 29 and DH will be 40 soon and we want to start a family. And I definitely mean 'we.' I enjoy being at work and know that once we have children, I most likely won't be able to throw myself into my job with such gusto.

From what I see around me, it is still women whose careers take a back seat. My DH earns 3 times what I do and if anyone has to take the longer period of parental leave, it will be me.

Sorry, that was to Petula

DH is nine years older than I am, we married when I finished university and I started in a job. He had already started to build a career, so when we had a baby a year later and we felt childcare was too expensive, it didn't make sense for him to take a break from work. He was earning more than twice my wage.

If I had had nine years more in my job I am sure I would have been earning more, and perhaps I wouldn't have ended up as a SAHM. I don't think being a SAHM is a bad thing, but I can see our choices were influenced by the age difference, yes.

It was the first time I had dated anyone significantly older, and the first time he had dated anyone significantly younger. So I can't really say why women go for older men and vice versa - it wasn't a set pattern for me or DH.

I dated a man 20 years older when I was 19. I didn't even find him attractive. I was vulnerable and young for my age. He basically just wore me down. I made excuses. He was separated from his wife (he actually was!) but living in the same house. I said I wouldn't go out with him while he was still in the family home thinking that would get rid of him, but he took a room in a shared house near me and then he was able to manipulate and guilt trip me into a relationship and could hang outside my house all night because no-one was expecting him home. I was isolated and there was no-one I trusted who could have told me I didn't have to go with him. But at the time I wouldn't have seen myself as exploited!

In general there is the fact that older men aren't seen in the same way as older women, they're 'silver foxes' and they 'just get better with age' apparently. So some older men have no shame about chasing after young women because they think they must be incredibly attractive now they've turning dusty and grey. It's an Emperor's New Clothes thing to a large extent. Who controls most of the media that tells us what to find attractive? Dusty old men.