Does anyone know a properly high flying man that does 50% of all 'wife work'

[toomanywheeliebins]

Just that really? Have a really good job - one that I have worked immensely hard to build and keep. My husband also works for FT in a good job but isn't at the same level of seniority- is not at Director level.We share childcare, sick days and most of the housekeeping jobs 50/50. He is awful at laundry. We also have a cleaner. I am exhausted all the time and was thinking about this the other day. I realised that no man at this level that I knew does 50% of the 'wife work'. More like 20% if at all? But maybe that's the guys I know.

The longer it keeps being referred to as "wife work", the longer it will stay The term "wife work" covers things that grown ups have to ensure are done if they want a clean house, food on the table, clean clothes and an organised life.
They are tasks that do not specifically require a vagina to complete.
I also don't believe it matters of you're a "high flier" or not. Earning more doesn't mean the effort is less or there are fewer hours involved.

Hmmm think I meant earning less doesn't mean... etc

Anyhoo OP if you're both working similar hours, you both need to do similar amounts at home, alternatively you both organise outsourcing part of it.

As a temporary SAHM about to head back to a "part time" 32 hour pw contract I'll be having this conversation soon!

But to answer you question - I know of 2 couples with similar roles who really & truly share tasks.....

I think there is a level of pressure at senior level that means 'personal time' is squeezed. Other jobs have other pressures I'm sure. I am certainly lucky to be able to pay for help and a cleaner. Choices that many others can't make.
I'm really surprised that so many senior men pull their weight. Like I said most men I know at that level devolve much of that responsibility to a partner while they swan out the door.

At my work the people with a "traditional set-up" ie someone at home doing the household and child stuff are thoroughly envied! I would love to have someone doing that.

We are hoping that I can get on enough that DH can go part-time.

2 FT workers + house to run + children to sort out is full-on and knackering.

YY to outsourcing if you can afford but again it's organisation even if you can afford it. So even then in wealthier families with "high-fliers" all over the place, it often seems to fall to the woman to organise the outsourcing!

I know as only a one time consuming career house we are not in the same situation, but when I was incapacitated and my DH took over entirely we were facing the too many jobs not enough time issue.

Some bits money covered - daytime childcare for a baby was the easy bit. A tiny commute helped enormously. A trusted local babysitter for evening trips to work also relieved the pressure. And he was never the sort of arrogant so and so who thinks childcare and housework beneath him so he was able to do it already as it were.

Cleaning, laundry and cooking were not taken care of how I would do them and that had to became acceptable. I learned that carpets don't need hoovering and beds don't need changing as often as I like to do it, shrunken woolens are not worth worrying over (buy more or buy acrylic...) grey towels/whites are fine. Oh and oddly no one else in my house cares about green vegetables and nobody got scurvy.

I had to accept someone else's standards and I continue to do that - well I was glad to "take back" laundry and cooking tbh but I now see my higher standards as being mostly for myself - basic is fine. He has high standards in other housekeeping jobs and accepts my more basic version too. It took a crisis to fully accept one another I think.

This is the first time I have ever heard the expression wife work. I don't read mumsnet much though. I probably won't start!

'Wife work' is the name of a book

Why does it matter if the other partner is high flying or not? If you both work full time doing the same hours, you should both do half the house work and other domestic stuff in my opinion.

and no, I don't know anyone whose husband does the wife work. Including mine and I'm as high flying as him. But he still sees it as women's work. bastard.

and assumes I'll take the day off if a child is sick

and assumes I'll get the cleaners money, and pay the nanny

oh and do the dentist appointments, the doctors checkups etc etc

This is the same for all the mums I know. regardless of their career status.

No

But I don't know very many high-flying men.

My DH does 50% when he's here, but he's very often not here. For most of the 15 years we've had dc's I've been a sahm although ive had a couple of part time jobs. Recently I gave up a part time job because the sacrifice to family life wasn't worth the gains. If Dh did a regular job with straight forward hours I could work and we'd split everything equally, but he often has to dash off at a moments notice to the other end of the country or even internationally.

If we both worked full time I wouldn't be too impressed if he expected me to do more home stuff just because he's more senior/was paid more than me.

I'm a SAHM and DH is a Director in a major bank.

DH gets DD up, bathed and dressed and does her breakfast every morning.

He makes my coffee every morning.

He works really long hours but will be try to be home by 7:30pm once or twice a week to put the kids to bed and read to them.

At the weekends he takes the lion's share of the running the kids to their various activities and will cook and tidy, run errands and do whatever needs doing.

I don't think either of us consider anything to be "wife work"!

But he is never able to attend the kid's assemblies or other school stuff and can only go to parent/ teacher consultations if we are lucky enough to be offered a late appointment. If I'm sick I have to get my mum to come over or get friends to do the school run for me as he really can't take time off of work.

Obviously if work is manic he has to give that 100% and there are times when it feels like he is never home but thankfully that only happens for a week or so every few months.

My uncle holds a very senior position in an insurance company. His wife is very senior in one of France's biggest banks and travels regularly while my uncle doesn't travel at all. He does most of the cooking, deals with the cleaning lady, the laundry, is usually the one to oversee the kids' homework and organise their extracurriculars, tutors etc. He knows his kids very well, their likes, fears, triumphs etc. His colleagues are used to his son calling him up for a chat or permission to do something :)

He would never describe himself as a feminist (because I don't think he knows what one is and doesn't care) but he finds it entirely normal that he should do all this. He's a very involved dad without making a song and dance about it. He doesn't "help" his wife, he just sees what needs to be done and sees it as his job if he's available. Though apparently he did have trouble at some point accepting that his wife earns more than him! But he's got over it now.

I have another uncle, same thing, he's the only earner and the very definition of a high flyer and is very hands on as a dad.
Actually all the men in my family are great dads and pitch in as much as is needed or more with the housework, and most of them are very successful professionally. None of them are from the UK and sadly I think that does make the difference.

"I am exhausted all the time"

It doesn't sound a very nice life.

I am sure that you enjoy luxuries- but at what expense?

My OH works very long hours, but since having kids my "career" has gone. I love it this way. I have loads of time at home, I go shopping, go to the gym, keep a tidy home, there for the kids on hiolidays, sick days, cook lovely food from scratch, - I also happen to earn as much as my OH by working from home.

Bliss.

Does this only apply to high flyers? What about people doing long days of physical work?

The fact that some men are able to see what needs doing and split family work accordingly, regardless of their job/status, suggests to me that some are selfish twats and some are not. It's not that controversial, is it?

DH does, although he's not a traditional high flyer (works in tech, flexible hours, home by 6 and short commute, but quite senior and has a six figure salary). I work p/t in a relatively easy job. He does 50% of household duties, although there are jobs that he always does and jobs that I always do. We cut out a lot by just not doing certain housework tasks as regularly (or at all) as I see on MN. And we only have one child (who will remain as an only) which definitely cuts down on chores, childcare and mess. He is also a bit odd in that he loves sorting out family birthday/Christmas gifts and organising trips away/nights out, and doesn't see that as a chore.

Primal that's a really good point. My DF did a hard physical job but ( left at 5am each morning and returned 4pm ) he did his fair share of the housework , cooking and childcare - in fact he did all of the cooking!

Maybe that's why I was drawn to my DH as he is also a hardworker and a family man.

Interesting that DH's father ( a Vicar) also does a lot of the housework and cooking too.

Angels that is interesting. My father-in-law was a minister and I think that's why DH is so good at just getting on and doing anything and everything - he saw his dad at home, helping his mother with whatever needed doing and having a very close relationship with all his dcs, and that's been passed on.

He is also what most would deem a 'high-flyer', btw, works away 2 nights every week and can't often make dcs school events, but is involved hugely when he is here.

Thanks. Have been really interested by replies. If I'm honest I'm still not convinced that then many men in top jobs 'do the thinking' behind the doing - eg writing the notes for the childcarers, RSVP to parties, buying presents , booking appointments, filling in forms for trips etc as well as the actual childcare. Certainly in my circle the women do that. Most of the men will do 50% happily -including my DH- but the thinking is done by me. I love my job- am very very fulfilled by it- and minimise impact on children by working when they are in. Bed and on occasion putting them to bed and then travelling hundreds of miles so not to be seen to be leaving.

I don't think it's sustainable that we both work this hard. In the long term my DH will probably go part time

I am curious, wheelie. What replies would have possibly convinced you that men in top jobs 'do the thinking'? The replies have been pretty comprehensive. But you seem to be projecting the difficulties you have in your relationship to the population at large. Based on what - a hunch?

My dh does more than 50% of domestic stuff and I am a sahm.
The only time he has any time off is if he is working away, which isn't very often.
He loves his work though and it is his life.
Not high flying the way many would define but he works all day and most of the night.
When does he have time for anything else?
He takes regular breaks in tune with what family requirements are.

I think we are lucky to have this set up, and realise it isn't the norm.

Based on the large number of threads I have seen in the past where posters have said that they can't ask their DH to more because they have a stressful job. Based on my own circle when the expectation is that the women do more than the men when the man is more senior at work. Based on pp who says it is generally the women who outsource support and several women here who say that their senior men are v hands on when they are around but are rarely around. I am a fully signed up member of the equality club but just sadly don't believe we have reached it yet.