SGB - "Generally, even among people who accept the idea that female ejaculation exists, there is an acceptance that not every female (cis-female, to be absolutely clear and avoid any sidetracking) does ejaculate." Interestingly, in the BTL comments on the Stephenson piece I mentioned (I know, I know, never read below the line), one of the commentors made some snide remark about "there are women in their 40s so sexually repressed they've never squirted." (I just thought "give your right wrist a break, mate"). So there are people out there using it as yet another stick to beat women with.
I know you and I have different views about filmed porn, but as I've also mentioned before (I know I'm not a proper published author like you) I read and write amateur erotica in the form of fanfic. And I think I take the position LRD did when she likened porn to conflict diamonds - I can absolutely see the appeal of decent, well made porn, but in the absence of any crystal ball which will tell me which stuff is consensually made and which stuff is filmed evidence of sexual violence, I choose not to watch it.
But, setting that argument aside, I'm not sure it's as straightforward as "at least porn shows you sexual behaviour is diverse." I'm sure it can do, and can be accepting of difference. But I think it can also come across as proscriptive - in fact I suspect, from what I hear of what women have to put up with in terms of the sexual scenarios men seem to want them to act out in the early stages of dating these days, that the majority of it is proscriptive, unimaginative, and from a female perspective deeply unerotic.
By the same token, written erotica is a mixed bag. On the plus side, I remember early on in reading fanfic, I came across a sex scene where the man manually stimulated the woman's clitoris during PIV - and I did this kind of "happy dance" of "at last, sex the way it is in the real world" - it's one of the reasons I read fanfic, because it's largely by and for a female audience who want to talk about how things are rather than how we're told they ought to be - but again, just as with filmed porn, it's not that straightforward. There is an enormous, Twilight/50-shades-ish fetishisation of abusive relationships (I'm not talking about genuine BDSM here, I'm talking about a kind of sexual tourism which pretends to be BDSM but in fact is about the eroticisation of male violence).
And I think we need to be able to discuss these things without having accusations of "puritanism" and "prudery" thrown around. There's a slogan in fanfic "My kink is not your kink and that's okay" - which I personally think is ridiculous. We should be able to have critical feminist discussions of why, for instance, so many women write, read and favourably review rape fantasies, and whether this is just curiosity and purely part of their private fantasy lives and thus okay, or whether it's symptomatic of something deeply troubling about societal attitudes to sex, women's sexuality in particular and indicative of internalised misogyny.
Sorry, very wordy essay, but I do want to try to have some sort of discussion that goes beyond the "you're an apologist/you're a prude" dichotomy which hampers so much discussion (while arguing that there are some non-negotiables - sexual violence against women is bad, and there's no possible argument which could turn that round into a good thing).