I equally split parental leave with my DP. 6 months each.
Here are my musings on the experience.
- Historically (back in our twenties) prior to fertility issues, and my own health issues, we had discussed and agreed DP would be SAHP initially. This was based on our personalities and preferences. We both earned equal salaries so no economic driver for one or other to be the SAHP.
- life threw us a few wobblers, inc serious ill health for me, that resulted in me leaving the workforce for a number of years. Then discovered infertility which eventually led to adoption route to family. when it came to the reality of taking time off work, we both knew DP would want to take a substantial lump of it. I was back in work (different career, half of DP salary) so we split it equally.
Because the adoption was very much a planned for family, we saved over a period of time the money needed to facilitate the major wage earner taking 6 months off. How did DP's 100 per cent male colleagues including his boss, view this? I was curious so had asked. DP's response was that those who commented were always positive, ranging from "you lucky bastard" to "I would have loved to do that" (from those who had older children). DP believes his colleagues were genuinely happy for him. He has been back at work a few years now, with no impact on his career. He works in the private sector, in a senior technical role , not managerial.
Pertinent issues for us, which will differ for everyone.
DP has always been very "hands on" domestically and much more interested in cooking and keeping a tidy house than I am. Basically I am saying, he has always been keen to do as much as he could, no persuasion needed to do domestic work or take parental leave off. No concept of this is female or male domain. His views on shared leave stem from his views on shared parenting, "why wouldn't I?
Also relevant, age and professional skill set, he is in his forties, has a skill set desirable to his employer. By this I mean he is older and well established in his career, he is not still having "to prove himself" as happens in earlier career stages and knows his worth, both to his own employer and other potential employers (read, not trapped with this employer).
His personality type is very self contained, he appears to not care what anyone else thinks of his decision, the only important consideration "is it right for our family?". Thinking about it, maybe that is why he only had positive responses? Either colleagues who felt negatively did not comment, knowing they would get short shift, or he did not "hear" them, being of no consequence to him. Or they really were all lovely and supportive, who knows?
I had many conversations with mostly female friends who had children on this subject. Some commented "my DP would not have been keen" but did not expand on why. I only remember one chat where a friend stated her husbands boss would not like it as the boss had made a big deal of not taking his full 2 weeks paternity leave. More than one commented that they would not like having to share the leave with partners, which made me realise that shared parental leave would not always be welcomed.
My DP mother was a SAHP who gave up work when he was born and did not work out of the home again. I think the fact his dad worked long hours and he rarely saw him as a young child (in bed when he got home) has had an impact, he has mentioned not wanting that set up for his children.
This has turned into a major epistle, but it's a subject I find interesting. The law is gradually becoming more equal in this area, but societal attitudes can sometimes lag behind, with both men and women being resistant to change.
Fwiw, this was not a decision taken by my family that was influenced by my feminism. well not consciously. i think the strongest factor was my DP's determination to be as fully involved in family life as he could be, so any oppprtunity that was possible was grabbed.
Each family needs to do what is right for them. I don't think there is a right or wrong, as long as both partners are happy with the choice that is eventually made. I do wonder how many parents have the "choice" more or less made for them though.