How do you reconcile having a relationship with a man and your feminism, are they fundamentally incompatible?

[Scarletohello]

As I get older and more feminist I find I'm less able to tolerate even casual sexism in a partner. I look back at past relationships and wish I'd had MN to help me leave dysfunctional relationships. I'm currently single and feel like my standards are so high now in regards to what kind of behaviour I'm prepared to (not) tolerate that I despair of ever being able to have a relationship with a man again where I can feel equal, respected and with someone who can understand female oppression. Am I setting my sights too high? How do you square being a feminist with having a relationship with a man who has been raised in a world of male privilege and entitlement..?

Disclosure: at university I worked in a lap dancing club. I thought it was funny at first then it quickly ground me down - how degrading it really was - as the men really did not respect us or any women really at all. It was so horrible.

I see how even female bar staff and waitresses who depend on tips feel they have to smile and put up with harassment in order to make money.

Sorry if that was too off topic
Just having seen it first hand my tolerance for men who okay that shit is ZERO

I married a feminist man. They do exist. I am sure there are not enough of them, but as I quickly flip through what I know of my female friends' husbands, I think they are feminists.

This doesn't mean my female friends don't struggle with issues in their marriages re: equal balance of work/free time, who carries the invisible responsibilities, etc., but from what I have heard and seen over the years, their husbands are, consciously, feminists.

And Scarlet I think this goes to what you are saying in your OP -- though my husband/their husbands are consciously feminist thinkers, they have absolutely been affected by being raised in a world of male privilege, so sometimes they have unconsciously done things that I/their wives have found sexist. Nothing terrible, but sure, making assumptions about whose job something is or whether a problem is "reasonable" for me/their wives to have, yes, occasionally. But b/c they are feminists, they're willing to listen to what's pointed out to them, to try to recognize sexist behavior on their part w/out even having it pointed out, and to change it. Makes a huge difference.

Also re:this I'm less able to tolerate even casual sexism in a partner -- fuck yes Good for you. It's not like being able to tolerate it actually allows you to have a truly happy relationship, after all, just a relationship in which you are happy as long as you don't mind always coming second.

Er, I did not mean for my "They do exist." to sound snotty, sorry.

Well I just dumped someone for a piece of casual humour that I found demeaning and sexist. So at this point, yes. I think my tolerance is less now - I let my ex away with much more than I would tolerate now, but in my defence I was a mere child when me and him started dating.

I'm quite envious of you posters married to feminist men. I can count on one hand the number of anywhere near approaching feminist men I've met in my life. Maybe it's because I've lived in a very conservative area of the country but the culture I have grown up in very much has that "boys will be boys" / men are from mars approach that kind of expects men to be a bit sexist or macho and doesn't really blame them.

But to be honest I don't really care anymore because there are so many other things in life that make you happy, like children and friends, dancing and acquiring as much knowledge as possible. So OP, don't settle.

I also don't get how you all managed to find such enlightened men!

I have very high standards regarding equality and respect. My parents have a very equal marriage and raised me with high self worth. Although I am a feminist, I am not a feminism activist. I don't talk a lot about feminism at home though my dh and I have both talked about high profile campaigns like no more page three and the everyday sexism project.

My dh grew up pulling his own weight in a home with a strong, working single mother and has never presumed ever that I would do more in the house due to being female. He was also 35 when I met him so had functioned as a responsible adult for long enough that he was perfectly capable of keeping a home.

Having said that, he does work in a male dominated sexist industry. And is a bit uncomfortable as the only man in groups of women (whereas I barely notice if I'm the only female in a group). He's not the most feminist man I know. But he is kind and open minded and thats what matters most to me.

I am married to a feminist man who considers me his equal in every way, and we are the parents of three feminist young men. I have my MIL to thank for bringing DH up the way she did - unusual for a woman of her generation and conservative, religious background. I couldn't be in a relationship with a man who didn't respect me and treat me as his equal.

I'm glad I'm not the only one Alice!

Oh I wish there were more feminist men. Would it be asking too much to find a man who dances like a god and is also a feminist?! Hmmmm maybe my standards are too high...

My DP is concerned about oppression of all kinds, and he is willing to listen and learn. He trusts my judgement, politically and ethically.

He wasn't necessarily feminist when I met him, because his ex-Ps weren't, and because he did the thing of not noticing, recognising or questioning those inequalities. It's also the case that his elderly mum is sexist to the point of only wanting grandsons, thinks women are bitchy, irrational and not as intelligent as men.

But he's vocally an ally in his attitudes now, he calls out sexist behaviour and is honestly concerned and committed to countering sexist culture for our children. When first we got together, he admitted to some very non-feminist laddism in his past but was so up for discussing and revising his perspective.

You don't need a feminist - just someone with a sense of justice and the capacity to see things from your perspective.

My God where do you meet these men..?

DP does not dance like a god, but he does do all the kind, respectful, thoughtful stuff. I'm not sure he'd ever describe himself as a feminist, but he just doesn't do sexism. He was raised by a single mum, with only sisters and has always worked in female dominated industries, which probably makes a difference.

I have 2 DSs and I hope we can raise them to be feminist/ feminist supporting.

Yeah my DP has the dad vibe when he's dancing, I don't know if that's a consolation?

But honestly it's not a high bar. He has a sense of justice and can be reasoned with - that's all it takes.

I'm a lesbian

Although in all seriousness I see plenty of misogyny amongst same-sex partners. A female partner doesn't always mean a feminist partner, sadly. I know queer politics are not always popular in feminist circles but I became interested in queer theory after seeing how heteronormative many same-sex relationships could be. Queer theory wasn't the answer to it but it certainly gave me an alternative perspective on it.

Fortunately for me my partner is also a feminist. That doesn't mean we always agree on everything, we've spent the entire evening disagreeing amicably about whether spiritual belief is inevitably linked to a patriarchal structure (that makes me sound even less fun than I already am).

Bloody hell Karma not at all

I would love to have a DP I could discuss that kind of stuff with. Round here any reference to "the patriarchy", much less its connection to spirituality, would be likely to get you an eye roll and another "that Messy's been thinking too much again"!

What was the verdict btw?

My husband

My husband is a feminist. I wouldn't have it any other way.

The title question seems to come loaded with a massive and sexist preconception of what men are like. My DH is possibly more enthusiastically feminist than I am!

My DH is a feminist. I found this statement really depressing

& I would never be with a man who watched porn or went to strip clubs or had misogynist friends. So rules out 99% of the male population for me I guess??

I suppose you believe 99% of women fit some bullshit stereotype too.