How to explain to a man why he shouldnt call me a 'good girl'

[DiaDuit]

This is a classmate from another country and for whom english isnt his first language. He is a lovely man and really meant no harm at all when he said it but he struggled to understand why i didnt want to be called a good girl. He absolutely accepted that he shouldnt and apologised but i wasnt able to explain properly why he shouldnt.

The context was that i helped him out with something in class and he said "thank you, you are a good girl" it raised a few eyebrows amongst nearby classmates and after class he approached me and asked what he had said wrong. I explained that it was patronising, which he didnt understand so i said it was something you would say to a child but not an adult and that coming from a man to a woman (especially when our class has a ratio of 17 men to 2 women) made it worse. He thanked me for explaining and apologised but i know he didnt get it. Should i leave it, because i know he wont say it again, or try and explain again so that he knows why?

Hmm. I'd leave it simply because he meant well and there are cultural and language issues at play which are complicating things. A Chinese woman said "thank you nice lady" to me the other day. Not something I'd say but the sentiment was clear. Explaining her mistake would have been unkind. He asked you the problem, you explained. Leave it. Navigating a new culture is hard. Even as an Irish person in England I struggle with some cultural conventions and sometimes say the wrong thing.

Yes i felt really sorry for him because he did feel embarrassed and he had no idea why. That was really why i thought i should try and explain properly just so he knows for his own peace of mind not to make him feel bad at all. But yes, probably best not to remind him of it.

I think if you're fairly sure the problem was language rather than culture, I'd just leave it. Speaking another language is a minefield of cultural subtleties that take a very long time to get your head around - he accepted that it wasn't the right way to have expressed himself, and won't do it again, that's the important thing.

Leave it. He's said something innocuous (to him), you've explained why you found it offensive, he's apologised. Forget about it, move on.

I'd leave it now. Job done. I used language in the wrong way. said I was 'lodging' with a family that had invited me in to their home. that's one of hundreds of faux pas I made before I got to grips with it.

Thanks all.

surelyknot did lodging have a different meaning in whatever language you were speaking?

My friend's boyfriend says this to her all the time...that she is a good girl!! He is a GP and Cambridge educated and I wonder if it is put on to TRY to be affected IYSWIM, or maybe he really is an arse! I say to her it is such a turn off that he says this....plus he calls her Sweetie all the time rather than her name. She says she doesn't like it but pretty much shrugs her shoulders.

If he understands the meaning of the word "girl" it shouldn't have need much explaining. UNless you actually are a child

You could ask him (politely, since he seems well intentioned) if he would think it appropriate for you to call him a 'good boy'. Assuming the answer is no, you can say that the same reasons apply in reverse.

FOF, it slightly depends where the age switch happens in his language though. Plus, TBF, "you are a good woman" would be unlikely to be used by a native speaker - "you are a nice woman/lady or a good friend/teacher" would all seem more natural.

BTW, I wouldn't say this expression is 'patronising': that suggests he's superior to you and is simply being rude in calling attention to the fact. I'd say it is 'disrespectful'.

I'd leave it unless he asks you to explain further, or if he does it again.

I had a woman say "good girl" to me the other day. I'm 42, a couple of years older than she is, and my hair is going grey. Plus we work together. I wasn't quite sure what to say, really, as I was more surprised than anything.

I think the word you're looking for is condescending, and as you know he didn't mean to be I would leave it.

Diduit, there's a difference between being an invited and welcome guest in somebody's home and being a lodger! So to say in front of your hostess that you're lodging in her home....... somebody corrected me there and then as I had said it a couple of times.

I gave the impression that I was paying her and she neither needed the money nor had she mentioned money. she was my father's cousin. it's hard to explain perhaphs but it felt like a big faux pas. Anybody that has lived through a second language will have a million of these experiences I think.

Oh yes. I learnt that there's a big difference in German between "Mir ist heiss" (I am hot - temperature) and "Ich bin heiss" (I am hot - sexy).

Didn't know quite enough German when I tried to tell my then boyfriend's mother I was feeling a bit too warm.

I tripped over the exact same thing in Spanish, EBearHug. I think it's the same in French, too - English seems to be the odd one out.

OP - it might be worth offering the guy an alternative. Explain that "good girl" is appropriate for a helpful ten year old (just about...), but using it to a grown woman sounds like he is treating you like a well behaved ten year old and comes across as a bit rude. Instead, he could consider "you were very kind to help me", or whatever. I've certainly found native advice of the "I know you weren't trying to be rude, so it might be better to say X" variety to be very helpful.

I think saying it is language used towards a child, not an adult, is fine as an explanation. You have different ways of speaking to children (often the same as the language used towards pets!) in many languages

DP called me a good girl several times when I was in labour and pushing. I wanted to smack him in the face but that would've meant releasing my vice like grip on his arm. He apologised afterwards, I forgave him cos he was panicking somewhat

Op I like Petulas answer of child language (or dog even) especially as there is a language barrier. Hopefully he will appreciate the explanation and won't make the same mistake again x

I'd say that is what you would day to a dog.

Is he Spanish speaking? You are good in Spanish translates to 'you are kind' (only know this from watching Sharpe and asking a Mexican co worker)

then he'd probably translate very directly and say 'you are amiable'.

Hi, thanks for further comments. I didnt say anything to him about it and i wont. I think you are all right that it has been explained and i know he wont do it again.

He is from Syria.