Vent/rant/support - work issue

[Cocoaone]

Hi

I'm a bit of a lurker, but could do with venting and support - I'm sure others have been in a similar situation.

A couple of months ago I was promoted to equivalent of my (male) boss. Most other equivalents are all male - It's quite a big jump career-wise.
My department has also been really laid back. Everyone gets on really well, big social scene etc. Quite a lot of inappropriate talk but all in a joking-we-all-know-no-one-really-means-it way. We've had some good discussions around DV, porn, feminism etc in the past.

Since my promotion, I've noticed a shift in behaviour of the men. Last week for instance, there were incidences where it was mentioned how much food I'd eaten, and another 'jokingly' said to a visitor who greeted me with congratulations (about the job) 'oh no she's not pregnant, just getting fat ha ha' I would let that pass as a joke, but I caught him sneakily wink at another male, who then LOL'd hard. They've obviously mentioned something privately about me putting on weight.

My PFB has recently started school and I took a few days off. One of them said that they were 'surprised' I was taking time off as I had just got the promotion and had lots on. WTF?!

I now feel like I have to work much harder to prove myself to them, they obviously don't think I can do the job, just because I'm a woman. They'd never say those things to another man.

But it's nothing I can go above their heads with - it's all subjective and they'd just say I misheard or took something the wrong way. Especially given the nature of the office 'banter'. I feel like I'm being bullied by the popular kids with their in-jokes about me. What a ridiculous situation for someone in their 30s!

Gah - fucking arsewipes!

Anyone have some equally cutting remarks I can have ready in my arsenal ;-)

I should add that before the promotion, I've always got on really well with these people.

Office banter or not, I'd go and speak to someone in HR about it. We're these people also in the running for the promotion? Might that explain it?

Maybe withdraw a bit - you are no longer one of "them" IYSWIM.

They are being arseholes for sure, I imagine some resentment / difficulty with having an old same-level colleague as boss esp as you're female. Even if it's subconscious.

If you ignored what do you think would happen.
Are you their manager - can you have a word about "professionalism"?

Are they getting worse do you think?

I am shite at dealing with this sort of thing BTW!

I think that internal promotion is very, very hard because you go from part of the team to part of management (even if you were management before). I agree with the advice to distance yourself from the unprofessional conversation, not because you're the target of it but because of your new position giving you a new perspective.

Thanks everyone, I think you're right re: not being one of them anymore - even though I am - I'm not their manager, just doing roughly the same job as them. In fact, one of them used to line manager me a while back and was always very complimentary of my work.

I think I will try and distance myself. I should be recruiting soon, as long as I don't employ immature boys, hopefully then tone of the office may switch!

I think you could acknowledge it if you're able to - big smile and "xxx, you seem to be talking about my weight quite a lot". Certainly don't let them know it bothers you. I remember someone at work introducing me to a stranger after I'd gained some weight as "this is Vashta, she's eaten all the pies". Luckily we'd just been discussing the dire canteen so I didn't flinch and just said "not today I haven't, did you see them?" He didn't do it again and I wonder if he would have if I'd seemed more bothered.

Just realised my post could sound like "don't make a fuss", I don't mean that. If it needs to be raised by yourself or HR, do it. Just do it with confidence and a smile

I had to complain about inappropriate language of my colleagues (and manager as well!) to HR.
I would nip it at the bud because it won't get better.

Someone here on MN was explaining not long ago about power of stare and silence in such situations.
Something like it is described here:
lifehacker.com/5831374/how-to-use-the-power-of-silence-to-be-heard

Start keeping a note, even if you never go to HR.

Would something like, "That's an odd thing to say to me." with a slightly puzzled face work?

I do generally reply with a funny quip to show it doesn't bother me, but I'm not sure if that's just enabling it?

Thanks for the link antimatter - will have a read when I get the chance.

Have walked into work to find desk items strategically placed on top of my PC monitor. For the third time in two weeks. It's like working with children eyeroll

I don't think quippery is the way to go.

If you have a more senior title, how about, "that's an odd thing to say to a director" or whatever?

you are no longer one of "them"

I'm with Seven on this one, you aren't one of them, and they are trying to reassert themselves by throwing jokes your way. Much like monkeys slinging poo at each other . And the fact that it was a woman who was promoted over a man. Yes, its infantile and childish, but hey ho. Ignore it, don't go to HR (at least for the time being), and see if it settles down. Do some gentle joking of your own right back to make sure that your boundaries are intact. When there is a change in hierarchy (no matter how subtle), people will try to reassert their power in different ways.

And here is a good way to think about it:

Forming, Storming, Norming, Performing

PS Congratulations on your promotion, there needs to be more women in management .

I wouldn't go with funny quips. If it bothers you, they'll be able to tell and will just escalate to get a reaction. I think the baffled stare approach is best. Or derision.

The dynamic needs to shift to one with more respect, but respect is something you take not something you're given.

Are you comfortable with standing out from the crowd as well? If you're still finding your feet in the new role they may sense that. And if you miss the camaraderie you may get drawn back into this kind of butt-of-the-joke role trying to get it back.

Ok, the stuff thing is very weird.

Did they do that before you were promoted? Does everyone get that done to them on a rotating basis?

Do you have the sort of relationship where you could sit down with them and explain that you know it's "banter" but at the moment they're crossing a line and you'd like them to rein it in? Are they likely to take that badly?

What's with the stuff on top of the monitor? Is it a common office joke?

How do you deal with it?

Have walked into work to find desk items strategically placed on top of my PC monitor.

this is childish, but has to be dealt with professionaly

What sort of items? Do they belong to anyone or are they just random stationary?

That is classroom level weirdness. Sort of thing a more subtle school bully might do

Yep definitely stepping over the line in to bullying.

They aren't very nice are they?

Thanks ladies - agree with all your thoughts so far!

The moving off stuff has happened before, but not for a few years and it was a mutual prank type thing that two people were playing on each other. I'm keeping a note, but so far haven't said anything about it and I get in much earlier than them so removed it.

I had to travel for a couple of hours with one of them today, had a really friendly chat - personal and work related and got no ill feeling from him. Therefore I think they are using my promotion and the subsequent 'jokes' as a type of group-male-bonding thing.

Will monitor the situation and go from there, but I think/hope it will fade as they get bored.

For the one who said he was surprised you took time off after the promotion and being busy-I'd lift an eyebrow, do the slightly puzzled face and a breezy "Oh I expect I'll manage that stuff fine now I'm back" in a voice that suggests you think it odd that anyone (like them, for instance) would feel the need to scrabble about trying extra extra hard in a situation which is so well within your capabilities.