how do i behave in a more feminist way towards myself?

[PetulaGordino]

this is horribly self-indulgent, so apologies in advance. though hopefully others will use it as an opportunity to be self-indulgent too

i've been thinking about the "women and confidence" thread, but i didn't want to derail it with my own issues.

i have ENORMOUS self-image / body image / self-confidence issues. massive history of ED which is now reasonably stable

when i think about, look at, interact with and talk about other women, behaving in a feminist way comes pretty naturally to me. i do have some socialised prejudices about the appearances of other women, but they are easily dismissed

but my internal monologue towards myself is relentlessly misogynist. my expectation of what i "should" look like is something i will never achieve, and yet i still berate myself for not achieving it. my other expectations of myself, which basically conform to the "perfect woman" in terms of success at work, in relationships, house, appearance, hobbies, being happy and confident etc, would be out of reach for almost anyone. even with all that i seem to expect myself to be the "perfect feminist", which is equally impossible. i don't have children yet, but i fear that if i do i will be overwhelmed with trying to be the "perfect mother" too. the main thing, which seems key, is that i seem to have an expectation of myself that i have failed if i have needs (food, affection, someone else's time and energy etc). the root causes are of course in my upbringing and socialisation (and not just about advertising though of course it has played its role). rationally, i know it's all bullshit, but these thought processes are deeply ingrained, and it will take time to deprogramme myself from this effectively

i don't have anything like this sort of expectation of other women. so why do i think i should achieve these things and have failed if i haven't - am i some kind of special case? i'm not quite so self-obsessed as to imagine that

i should add that i have therapy which explores this as part of my ED treatment, so i'm not looking for that sort of support really, or really wanting to make this too much about me. i'm more interested to know if others have managed to overcome this, or if they have never experienced these sorts of feelings what their internal monologue is like

I am currently having counselling,mainly to do with coping with my daughters disability and my Dads dementia,but interestingly,what has risen to the surface through all this is my terrible low self worth.
I am 43 now and it has crowded my life since I became a teenager,I was an only child,bullied at school,which in turn led to a couple of abusive relationships.I have also suffered from depression,much to do with my self esteem.
I will be reading this thread with interest,as I am determined not to let my daughter 'follow in my footsteps',I want her to grow up to be a confident,happy woman,but I feel society can over ride this sometimes and its a difficult fight.

i'm sort of hoping that as i get older i'll just start giving less of a shit

Believe me Petula, you will. I've had all the sort of issues you and other posters have mentioned. Now I am older (much) I don't give a damn.

After all, invisibility strikes women some time after the menopause and if you are invisible it doesn't matter what you look like, what you think, what you say or how you act. 'Cos they can't see you Actually, what it really means is that you obtain genuine confidence as you stop caring. It stills the inner voice no end.

Doesn't mean I go around upsetting people or dressing in a bin liner or anything. It just means that I accept that "good enough" is actually good enough.

So hang in there. Meanwhile until you reach the stage where you are truly confident and the inner voice is stilled, simply pretend and the pretence will eventually become reality.

Sorry to hear you've had a tought life, Chickens. Having to go through what you been through will partly explain your low selfworth.

My life has been a breeze. Well, compared to some anyway. The only hardship I've got is that I've got a DS with Aspergers who relies on adults (me) to regulate his emotions. I'm intelligent, got a good DH, three loving DSs, enough money, lovely house, after being a SAHM I started afresh and I'm now doing a PhD, I have not been bullied or experienced any trauma of any kind, etc etc. And I'm still beating my self up for not being good enough, and for not being feminist enough as well. And then I'll beat myself up for beating myself up.

It's bloody hard to trying to be everything to everyone, keep a family running whilst also trying to get my own career off the ground etc. And then being a feminist and realising it is unfair that this is expected of women more than men, but not being able to shed the socialisation. Thinking that I should be able to. I've got everything going for me, after all. But I'm not. I feel too responsible for everybody else's well being.

Thanks Brewster,the counselling/CBT is really helping,when before I was just masking it with AD's.
But it's going to take a while I think.
Little things like saying 'sorry' for things that are out of my control.I do it all the time,interestingly,there is an advert(think it's for shampoo?!?) that tackles this & how women are always saying sorry.Will look for it.

My director has forbidden me from saying sorry. I am getting better at not doing it, but it's not easy - not only am I female, but I am British, too.

I also suspect that some of the things I do - like all the women in STEM stuff I do at work - is in part because it is easier to try to improve things for other people than work on myself, which means part of me still feels guilty. The rational side of me knows this is mostly a pile of rot - but the emotional stuff, where my default position is that I am the one who hasn't got things right, that's been programmed into me since birth, and it's really hard to overcome that conditioning. (So that's another thing I can feel guilty about for not doing better at...)

I am fairly sure that few of my male colleagues will be beating themselves up over whether they do enough for other people, and don't question how their every interaction with other people to work out if they've been too demanding/unfair/inconsiderate/whatever. When I think about it abstractly like this, I think what a waste of energy! And then I'll probably feel guilty for wasting energy like that.

I am terrified of expressing opinions to anyone but my very closest friends. Even expressing an opinion anonymously on mn sends me into a cold sweat for days. I'd never thought of this as a feminist issue, rather a fault in me, but this thread is making me think maybe it is.

I think most of us have been socialised to not think our opinions are worth expressing.

I was in a meeting today, and someone said she'd been advised by a couple of managers that when she's asked questions in all-hands meetings, she needs to consider the speakers might be tired after travelling, and her questions might be too harsh and testing when they're on the spot like that. I've been in some of those meetings, and she asks some great questions.

You will not be surprised to hear the people telling her this were men. Though we did also have an interesting discussion on modifying how you say things to consider your audience and cultural differences and understanding their point of view and things like that. I still think there's a lot of putting women in their place, though.