Western marriage ideals

[Dad164]

I read this forum for my own education are rarely dare to post. However, I was reading some comments on a Spectator article from a fairly objectionable poster which yielded an interesting "Asian" perspective on the "Western" ideal of marriage and thought I'd dare to ask your opinions.

Do literature and society at large (including churches etc) place such an emphasis on life long marriage to "the one" that it impedes freedom and happiness for women (and men for that matter)?

Is the "institution" of marriage misguided in the west and is the Asian position posed below potentially more liberating?

Let's ignore whether Asia has a better/equal/worse track record for feminism and whether the poster is representing Asian culture fairly. I'm more interested hearing views about the Western/Christian ideal of marriage impeding progress.

I've tried to redact the more objectionable part of the poster's comment, but here's what provoked my question to this forum:

"Emotional po-rn is warping the minds of most women in The West who want to find THE ONE and cannot see that marriage is just a stable arrangement to have children and divide property fairly. The Asians know this. Of course, instead of finding THE ONE women find inadequate wimps like you. Ho hum...

www.spectator.co.uk/features/9275381/porn-agains-meet-the-middle-aged-men-and-women-warped-by-internet-porn/

In the context of history, I thought marriage in the UK was a relatively new thing (c19th century?) and before that reserved for aristocracy.

I am not sure I understand your position on marriage and feminism with regards to this sociological ideal of "life long marriage" and finding "the one" along with parental expectations of marriage.

Are you saying that the current position is in accord with feminism or that feminism identifies some sort of undue expectation or control over women?

Are daughters, on the whole, led to believe that life long commitment is a greater responsibility for which certain liberties should be forgone or is it more safe to generalise that women feel sufficiently empowered to exit marriage should they need to?

Divorce rates appear more correlated to prosperity and recession than anything else.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-26070256

And its to control womens sexuality as well.

To be fair, I didn't ascribe anything to women. The post that provoked me on the Spectator's website did that.

Marriage was invented by men, for men's benefit. It was partly about land, wealth and inheritance (assets passed from a man to his sons) and partly about men's desire for domestic and sexual service from women. The 'ideal' of monogamous marriage was again promoted by men, for men's benefit. Harem-keeping was seen as unfair as it allowed a small number of men to hoard the available women, and other men wanted to own a woman themselves. Marriage has always been about regarding and treating women as objects/slaves, to be handed over from their original owner (father or, if father is dead or otherwise vanished, the nearest male relative) to the subsequent one. A woman without a male owner is either seen as a dangerous subversive - or an item of unclaimed property that any man so inclined can just take for himself.

This is what's at the root of behaviours around monogamy and marriage, ev en now. One example is the way a woman out on her own can often only get rid of a man inclined to pester her by saying that she has a partner, ie she is another man's property. Saying that she doesn't want to talk to the intrusive, unknown man just because she doesn't want to talk to him is unacceptable.

SolidGoldBrass

Given the strength of your argument, should feminists not get married (or equivalent)?

If marriage isn't an acceptable contract, what needs to change to make it acceptable?

Can marriages exist in a non-patriarchy?

Some feminists want to marry, others don't. I am aware that, for a lot of people, marriage is currently assumed to be about a public declaration of love and commitment, and that's Ok, but I would definitely recommend that all women understand the history and construction of marriage - and read Wifework before booking the registrar.
I think changes are happening, but at a fairly slow pace. The biggest problem is getting men to accept that they are not automatically The Head Of The Household, and their female partners are not there to look after them - and that there is no such thing as a woman's 'natural' superiority at doing all the shitwork.

How much of the required change is down to the gender of the "breadwinner" or is that outdated thinking?

I can already see a stereo typical gender divide between my two kids.

Whilst I hope I'm more enlightened than some, and Mum is the main breadwinner, it seems almost unstoppable that my son exhibits dominant behaviour and my daughter doesn't (although she finds other ways of achieving things - more subtle, less brutish).

I know a sample of 2 is statistically meaningless, but what else can be done to "grow a post modern woman" as a parent?

Different question to my opening one I know ....

In the context of history, I thought marriage in the UK was a relatively new thing (c19th century?) and before that reserved for aristocracy.

As far as I know marriage has been around for rather longer than that for all classes, but it was certainly a lot less regulated. In the early modern period a "marriage" could simply involve a private exchange of promises, between two individuals, with no witnesses. We know this because it led to a lot of (recorded) disputes in which one half of a couple claims a marriage was made and the other half claims it wasn't. The church was very keen to regulate this, which eventually resulted in the modern situation of marriage being something that requires an official process, though not necessarily a religious one.

Not 100% sure if I'm thinking of the British context in particular or Europe in general, but I'm fairly sure that marriage pre-dated the nineteenth century for all levels of society.

Ooh, The English Marriage by Maureen Waller is a very enjoyable read, and a good look at the historical development of and changes to marriage in an English context through time...