Changed name on marriage - thinking of changing back.

[ARoseByAnyOther]

NC on Mumsnet (ironically enough) due to fairly specific details. I was wondering if I could ask all of you lovely people on the feminist boards for some thoughts / advice / support on a name-changing conundrum. Bit of a long story so bear with me!

When I got married two years ago I changed my surname to my DH's name, for a number of reasons. We were going through a fairly fraught visa application and I felt it was important to share a name in the midst of a process in which our ability to share a home in the same country was in question. His name was already double-barrelled (let's say, Smith-Brown), so that wasn't an option. We're both academics but he's further along in his career than I am and he didn't want to change his name because he'd already got publications and a professional identity under that name. So, I went from, let's say, "Horton" to "Smith-Brown".

However, this decision has never rested easy with me. I've nagged away at the topic, both mentally and verbally with my DH, and previously felt quite upset (irrationally) that he wouldn't consider changing one "half" of his name to meet me half way, as it were. But I've recently come to realise that directing my upset at him wasn't really fair - it was my decision. But it's one I've come to have regrets about. I certainly wouldn't judge any woman for taking her partner's name but for me, it just doesn't feel right. We've also both progressed a bit in our careers since our marriage and I'm beginning to worry about us both having the same surname when working on fairly similar topics in the same field -- I think professionally as well as personally it may be better to have distinct identities in terms of names if that makes sense.

So, I'm considering changing my name to deed-poll, to combine my maiden name with one half of his double-barrel - so, "Smith-Horton". I feel that this both satisfies my desire for our names to have something in common whilst also retaining (or reverting to!) my independent identity.

What are people's thoughts? Has anyone ever encountered (or personally experienced) a 'name-reversal' before? I feel as if the socially expected thing would be to stick by my initial decision -- but it was also a decision made when pretty young and under a lot of emotional stress! I just think this will keep gnawing away at me if I don't do something about it. Any thoughts / comments would be gratefully received!

I would support you doing this. Would your kids, if any, be just "smith"?

I'm not a professional and haven't changed back, but I did keep my name and tag DH's onto it. What you propose in terms of Smith-Horton, or why not Horton-Smith?, is perfectly reasonable in personal terms. In proffessional terms it's probably necassary in your case.

You could change your professional name easily without going to the effort of deed poll - would that suffice? I used my husband's for bothas I thought having '2 identities' seemed a hassle, but now wish I had (am also academic).

No DC yet, but I think possibly they would be Smith-Horton. DH is very fond of his own surname for himself but doesn't mind r.e. potential DCs. Though of course there'd be the inevitable worries about offending his "Brown" parent (complicatedly, his DP aren't double-barrelled, but he is).

I'd probably go Smith-Horton just because it feels more normal to have my original surname come last (as it always did, IYSWIM), and because I prefer the way it sounds.

WRT to DCs, mine are Me-DH, same as me and so they still have DH's name.

I changed my name by deed poll after 12 years of marriage to have 2 surnames (not hyphenated).

Was Ms B
Became Mrs S although used Ms S if asked
Am now Ms B S [definitely Ms]!

This is my 'public' MN name so you can read about a bit about this here...

I was inspired by reading about Lucy Stone who said "my name is my identity and must not be lost" - she was one of the first American married women to not change her name.

Actually if I didn't have DS with DH's surname I think I'd just have gone back to my original surname. Have you considered that? I think it's pretty normal for academics to keep their name.

If people are about it then quote Lucy Stone or say "I just didn't feel like me once I'd changed my name."

Am happy to meet a reverse name changer!

X post. Okay, your name and it needs to feel right for you, so if Smith-Horton works that's perfect.

Well, if DP's parents each kept their name, you'd be on solid logical ground for any permutations of the three names...

anastasiakrupnik

Yes, that has occurred to me too, although I would think I'd need some official documentation (for a name that is neither my married name nor my birth name) to persuade university admin to change my name officially for emails etc? But the professional concern is really only half of it for me, so I don't think a dual-identity solution would satisfy the personal angst, if that makes sense.

Arguments against right now are the immense faff (I don't want to change until after DH has got his settlement visa, which we apply for in February, because adding extra confusion to a visa application is a recipe for disaster, and then I'll have changed my passport only to change it back in the space of a year etc...), but most of all the personal fall-out. Ironically I expect my own quite traditional DM will be completely perplexed, and I don't want to hurt the feelings of my DPILs...

I did it by deed poll and agencies have no choice but to change it!

It was an admin faff but not much more than when you change addresses.

nameequality, that's great. I spent a while repeating to myself the old trope about my original surname just being my Dad's name - but it is more than that. It's a name that is recorded in association with past achievements of which I am extremely proud, and I want it to be recorded in association with future achievements too. It's very telling, looking back, that I was utterly gutted when my undergraduate university (albeit 'correctly') changed my name without checking with me first on their records between my marriage and my graduation, meaning my degree certificate doesn't have my original surname. I felt sad about that because I was Miss Horton for the entirety of that degree!

Deed poll - yep, for various (strange and complicated) reasons I carried through the paperwork on my initial name change via deed poll, so I'm fairly au fait with the process.

nameequality, how did family and friends etc react when you changed from S to B-S?

My ILs were and still are, 16 yrs later, very much about me not relinquishing my name and my mother just couldn't get her head around it, but it's my name. I wasn't forcing them to change anything. Also, you say his parents don't both have exactly the same name.

I can understand delaying for the visa to come through. Once that's finalized you can get your name change done. Now you can find out what will be needed for the Uni etc.so you know what to arrange in terms of paperwork.

I don't think DPILs would ever make difficulties for me - they're far too nice! I do worry that DFIL (whose name I would be leaving out) might be quietly hurt. But whilst that's a concern I don't think it's a deal-breaker - at the end of the day it's my name and my identity.

I think my DP will be , but they are about a lot of things I do, so what's one more?

anastasiakrupnik just butting in to say - best MN name EVER. Greatest literary heroine of all time!

ARose I think your plan is a good, sensible one. Just curious about how you came to the decision of which name to take? I was going to comment that I had a very uneasy feeling that in cases like this it is inevitably the DM's name that gets dropped, but I see it is actually the DF in your case. I think it is inevitable that there will be some mild hurt feelings, however I think this is a risk that everyone realizes they run when they choose a non-traditional surname for their DCs. You have every right to choose your name and the name of your future DCs, just as they did for theirs.

I think I understand the logic behind your decision but it seems very complicated. You changed your name at least in part in support of the visa application, and will wait until it's complete to change back (I have to agree, changing names mid-process with any government agency is more trouble than it's worth). So why retain half of his name, why not go back to your own? For one thing it makes the conversation a lot easier with his parents - of course you don't need their permission or blessing to cut out your father-in-law's name but retain your mother-in-law's, but it would be courteous to explain it to them as god knows everyone they know is going to ask them why you've done it!

In terms of publishing, you will then have some papers in the name of Horton, others in the name of Smith-Brown and yet others in the name of Smith-Horton. I'm not sure that's particularly helpful.

I should add, I am unable to comprehend the idea that people have to share a name to have a sense of family (admittedly in my huge blended family this was never a possibility anyway). Do you feel less of a connection to your mum because you don't (currently) share a surname?

However, if your current surname choice doesn't sit right with you, much better to make a change than to just put up with it. If you later discover that actually you just want to be known as Horton you might regret having gone half way. Could you make Smith a middle name so you can choose when it's used?

Bue

I guess the choice of which half of his name partly comes from some of his own feelings about his name rubbing off on me. In terms of grandparents etc he's always been closer to the "Smith" side of the family. Also "Brown" was a name that his (I think) great-great-grandfather adopted under very inauspicious circumstances (let's say he changed his name because he could no longer live freely under his original one!). Also on a slightly silly and personal level when we first started dating his friends referred to us as the "Smith-Hortons" as a joke, and I always thought it sounded good, and it has positive associations for me from that, however trivially.

tribpot

You raise a lot of (good) points! Hmm, here goes...

I completely appreciate that it isn't something that all people would feel and would never think that lack of a shared name made people any less a 'real family'. I know it's completely irrational (and probably a result of long indoctrination in terms of gendered expectations on my part!), but it does matter to me. R.e. whether I feel less connected to my mother, my emotions regarding my family are pretty complex, which is one of the reasons why the naming thing is a bit fraught for me. One excuse I gave to myself for changing my name completely was because I felt far more loved and 'at home' with my DH than I felt I did with my family, so it felt like changing my name declared that yes, I did have a stronger connection with him. But, I've now realised that there's more to my surname than how it connects me to my immediate family - it also connects me to my past. But I do still want my name to reflect in some way the connection I have with my DH. We met quite young and have done a lot of growing up together, so symbolically having an "overlapping" name just feels right to me. But I do know it's irrational!

I'd rather not go down the middle name route (partly because it isn't a name that would 'work' well as a middle name, I think). But my experience with being double-barrelled these past two years is that people often drop the first half of the name, so "Horton" would probably often be used alone. Indeed, I don't think deed polls distinguish between forenames and surnames, so it'd be a question of usage anyway.

R.e. papers - I'm very very early on so only have one paper currently out in a wholly online journal, under Smith-Brown, so I'm fairly sure I can retroactively change the name on that. Other papers in progress I think I can probably pre-emptively ask for the name change (even before I do the deed poll). In terms of not causing confusion in career terms my main concern is not publications but contacts I've made who know me as Smith-Brown. I figured that changing to Smith-Horton would mean they would still recognise the combination of my (fairly unusual) first name and Smith, even if the latter part of the surname had changed. Changing just back to Horton might make it harder for people to connect the dots, IYSWIM.

When the time comes I will of course explain very carefully to family (both DH's and mine) why I've done it. I think in terms of causing least bafflement the "professional identity" explanation will be easier than getting into the personal identity stuff (I'm the aberrant feminist in the family...).

I have done the same as nameequality after a few years of marriage. I had happily changed to DH's name because I liked it and its meaning suited me.

However, I didn't change my name on my driving licence until last year when my photo card needed to be renewed. It was only then that I considered hyphenating my surnames. After realising that I needed a deed poll to do that, I simply filled out the name change bit on the licence form and put both surnames without a hyphen. This was accepted with just my marriage certificate as proof.

I then used my new licence to change my bank accounts which was nowhere near as simple as it should have been and don't get me started on the hassle of getting the bank to use Ms! But now it's all sorted and it was definitely worth doing. I now feel that I have my own identity - what this was about for me. The DC have their father's name but I wasn't really bothered about passing on my own father's name.

I notice how your DH doesn't feel the need for an overlapping name, funny how often that happens :) Something to think about as you continue your journey away from the expectations of your upbringing.

I should say, for added chaos in my family we have one person with two first names (everyone who knew her before she turned 12 calls her one name, everyone who has met her since, i.e. her DH, calls her another) and three sets of people who share both first and surnames, i.e. two Jane Smiths, two Mark Joneses and two John Browns. There is a third 'John' but he is a Smith not a Brown. Argh!

I'd start establishing your new name for professional purposes as soon as, then - and get the paper retroactively changed. Name changes are irritating for co-workers (that moment when you start an email to Jean Smith and find no-one in the company email directory with that name and begin to wonder if you've hallucinated her existence entirely). Many people will assume you are getting divorced, although this would be an extremely odd name change for a divorcing woman with no children! However, you are perfectly entitled to choose any surname you want, a fact I am still explaining to more elderly female relatives in my own family, who claim it is 'confusing' that I have the same surname I have had for the last 42 years.

Yy trib pot - when I didn't change my name, DM wondered how she'd remember what my name was for sending me post.

Err, same as it was for 30 years, thanks...

If I ever were to divorce, I have come to the conclusion that I would choose another surname entirely. :)

I have no desire to ever go back to my father's name.