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Original poster

Justifying long term SAHM to DDs?

967 replies

whenwilltherebegoodnews · 19/05/2014 13:35

I have a few friends who, because their DHs are high (6 figure) earners, are able to be SAHMs, and have no intention of ever returning to work. These women are all at least degree educated and previously had successful careers.

I just wonder, in such a situation, how a long term SAHM encourages her DD to realise her academic/career potential, if the example she sets is that her education is only a short term requirement until she meets a high earning man?

I'm not trying to start a bun fight, I'm genuinely interested. My own mother is university educated, and has always worked in some capacity, successfully managing her own businesses with being the main carer, and encouraged me to be financially independent.

Personally, I feel I have invested too many years, and too much money, in my education and career to give it up forever after only 10-15 years. I like to think I am setting a good example to my DD that career and family are not mutually exclusive.

So how does a long term SAHM reconcile this? Am I thinking too simplistically?

OP posts:
MarshaBrady · 21/05/2014 12:29

There will always be someone who puts in extra to get to the top. And that is in terms of hours.

capsium · 21/05/2014 12:30

You don't have to be in a position of power, though, to have your voice heard, you only have to speak...

Owllady · 21/05/2014 12:31

Do you actually know how rude and insensitive it is to carers to keep bringing up 'wiping up bottoms' or do you just not CARE

I wonder how difficult some of you would find it to leave your child in hospital whilst you went to work, or leaving your child in a residential placement whilst you could work. The reality of having or wanting to do that is actually very different to the ideal.

FidelineandFumblin · 21/05/2014 12:34

Owl I think it is a neuro-linguistic programming technique designed to link the idea of SAHMing/caring with images of shit TBH. Phenomenally rude.

capsium · 21/05/2014 12:35

Owl I agree. The people who care for us should be loved, valued and definitely not forgotten.

TheWordFactory · 21/05/2014 12:35

impatient
Surely you can see thsat the lack of women in positions of power, acting as role models for other women is a huge barrier to women.

Chicken and the egg.

Just as the lack of men staying at home is a huge barrier to men taking that role.

We're humans. We don't operate in closed boxes.

FidelineandFumblin · 21/05/2014 12:36

(but at least it lays bare the absolute contempt those posters feel for hands-on parents)

capsium · 21/05/2014 12:38

Just because not as many men SAHP, it does not de-value the SAHP role for women.

If more men did it would it have more intrinsic value? Don't think so..

TheWordFactory · 21/05/2014 12:41

capsium that sounds like a sound bite...

But really you can speak as much as you like, til you're blue in the face, but without your presence at the decision making table, they aint listening!

Every day decisions are made that affect all our lives. What price we will pay for energy; how much benefits carers will receive; what programes will be on our television; what newsa will be reported and in which order; what our DC will learn in school; what vegetables will be available for us to buy; how our pension funds will be invested;

And I think most of us agree that those decisions are taken mostly by men.

Atbeckandcall · 21/05/2014 12:45

I've just looked at the title of the thread and sort of skimmed through it.

The title is only in reference to females.

Why didn't the OP question how SAHD can explain it away to their ds?

Speaks volumes.

capsium · 21/05/2014 12:46

TheWord It may, but it is my own, that is I thought of it.

Whether the people at the decision making table are listening or not, I am a believer that if something is right, it will happen. It has not failed me yet, but I am very patient....

Retropear · 21/05/2014 12:51

Omg the wiping bottoms post.Hmm

I have an Eng/early years degree, dp has 2 sciencey/ maths degrees how exactly would leaving our children in a nursery with lower educated/ younger staff benefit my dc?Just how?How would one of us as a sahp damage them?Just how?

It has been proved nurseries aren't getting kids school ready.

We can't afford private schools.Early years education was vital for our dc so they had their loving mum and some Outstanding pre-school sessions.The results spoke for themselves.

And as for "wiping bottoms" you do realise that is work and a career choice for many mothers.How dare you speak about jobs which can have such a big impact in such a derogatory way.

Makes me laugh that working in nurseries and care homes is great for "working mums" but not good enough for SAHMs.

Not all of us work or want to work in high flying careers in a London with nannies and private schools.Many of us want more out of life.Why do our choices have to be belittled?

TheWordFactory · 21/05/2014 13:05

Sorry capsium but that is just a cop out, that lets you off any resonsibility.

Good things don't just happen. Justice doesn't just happen.

Every week in the UK two women are murdered by their partners of their ex partners. More women were killed last year as a result of male violnece, than troops in Afganistan.

This isn't just going to go away when the time is right!

Retropear · 21/05/2014 13:13

Sorry but many of us don't want high powered roles.For many of us a lifestyle that suits us as a family and benefits our children is a priority.

I don't see why SAHMs should be treated like shit,have to justify their choices and have a life they don't want because a few want the king seat at the board table.

capsium · 21/05/2014 13:14

So what do you want Word? Do we all have to fight on the front line?

By the way I do take responsibility, I have the ability to respond. My voice has been heard over some issues locally. I have offered practical help to those in my vicinity.

I didn't say good things just happen, I said good things will happen. The implication being if you believe in them and act on your belief, that is have the courage of your convictions. Believe me, although you might not realise it to look at me, I am no pushover...

Telling people they can be only heard once they have a position of power is ill advised IMO. Don't wait, I say. Start now, with the small things and the rest comes.

capsium · 21/05/2014 13:17

All actions are conceived in people's imaginations. It is people's ideas we want to change. Anyone, SAHP or WOHP can do this. Our worth is more than what we do, or don't do, to earn money.

TheWordFactory · 21/05/2014 13:25

retro I do believe that if more men took the choice to stay at home, there would be no more treating a SAHP like shit.

And why don't they? As you say, not everyone is ambitious.

And why are all the positions of power taken up by men? Let's please not say it's biology, and the magic penis makes them better suited to deciding how the world is run.

It can only be a gender bias, can't it?

Imagine if we were saying that the reason why white people or able bodied people run the world, was because black people or disabled people simply don't want to be mithered with it all.

cap no one is saying all women have to be on the front line. Certainly most men are not.

But it is extraordinary that the small-ish group of people who do make all the macro decisions are nearly all men. It can't be any good for any of us.

capsium · 21/05/2014 13:32

TheWord It depends on the men (making the decisions).....

Certainly, as a woman, I make plenty of micro decisions. All those little decisions make the big ones a forgone conclusion IMO....

Retropear · 21/05/2014 13:33

I agree unless you're saying those not in a position of power(the majority) aren't worth listening to.

capsium · 21/05/2014 13:34

Remember the Government, ultimately, has to serve the people. Otherwise there is revolt / they don't last long. Although I am talking long term here...

missinglalaland · 21/05/2014 13:48

This

These days, my own view is that Mon-Fri office-based, city-centre, long commute, job roles are the manifestation of gendered work patterns; a template of working life that lingers from a time when men commuted to paid employment and women remained in suburban domesticity performing unpaid caring roles.

Every time we try to jump in and try to "beat them at their own game," we add legitimise the way society is presently organised. We further reinforce the assumption that traditional female caring responsibilities are demeaning and not high status.

MarshaBrady · 21/05/2014 13:52

It isn't 'their own game' though. It is, for banks and the city, the game. How can you stop anyone's drive to beat the colleague next to them to the top. Male or female, it's not even gendered.

It's just that mothers tend to find the cost too high and opt out.

FidelineandFumblin · 21/05/2014 14:01

It isn't 'their own game' though. It is, for banks and the city, the game.

Yes it is. Why do most banking jobs have to be carried out by people physically present in the square mile or canary wharf? No good reason at all. It is just cultural.

MarshaBrady · 21/05/2014 14:06

You could change the culture and slow everything down, but you can't stop some enterprising person realising what clients really want is fast, present service and be willing to pay for it.

MarshaBrady · 21/05/2014 14:07

and they are willing to pay high amounts for it.