Justifying long term SAHM to DDs?

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I have a few friends who, because their DHs are high (6 figure) earners, are able to be SAHMs, and have no intention of ever returning to work. These women are all at least degree educated and previously had successful careers.

I just wonder, in such a situation, how a long term SAHM encourages her DD to realise her academic/career potential, if the example she sets is that her education is only a short term requirement until she meets a high earning man?

I'm not trying to start a bun fight, I'm genuinely interested. My own mother is university educated, and has always worked in some capacity, successfully managing her own businesses with being the main carer, and encouraged me to be financially independent.

Personally, I feel I have invested too many years, and too much money, in my education and career to give it up forever after only 10-15 years. I like to think I am setting a good example to my DD that career and family are not mutually exclusive.

So how does a long term SAHM reconcile this? Am I thinking too simplistically?

Really Happy so now we're bullying harpies.

Come,come ladies don't stop there.

Same old posters with their same old chips on the same old type of threads.

many dads want what is best for their dc too so are only too happy to fund a sahp.

But Retropear do you really know they would 'trade in a heartbeat'? And if so why don't they? There is the legislative framework etc all in place for men to do the parenting, share mat leave etc yet last time I looked the number of men taking this up is in the low tens!

Men would love to spend more time with their kids but I don't think they want to become SAHP. I'm not sure if this is because it is seen as boring, demeaning or just a bit embarrassing or if it is because of the greater earning power of men that they feel trapped as the breadwinner.

But that comes full circle as it is not about a woman's choice to stay at home or work but a social and economic structure that makes it hard for men to do it. A gender issue not a parenting choice.

the feeling that the more motherhood is lauded and the caring role of women celebrated the less scope there is for me to have an education and a career and a life as a mother outside the home.

Wanting to have an education, career and a life as a mother outside the home, should not denigrate motherhood and caring role of the mother though. They are / can be separate things. At different times one can take priority over the other though.

So think because many think their children having a sahp is beneficial this stops you from making your life choices.

Baloney

It didn't stop my friends with successful careers.

Think they can't afford it- end of.

So if it's because men are always the main income earners it is back to being a feminist issue

It's not black and white. You and your DH are a team and you decide on the best way for your household to run and to bring your kids up jointly. It doesn't matter who works or stays at home as long as dinner is on the table and the kids are happy and secure.

Thing is, historically, if you want to talk about instinct, most work was agricultural, both men and women would have been involved and babies and children taken along, helping when they got old enough.

Weaving, piecework etc was also done in the home.

Trade, or shops, you would find women helping out.

The gendered split came with the industrial revolution and even then, mostly because the law gradually excluded women on safety grounds. Men were paid a family wage.

So, it is not a case of biological evolution. The more recent arguments are post-war to do with Bowlby and attachment theory. Post war, women also went back into domesticity when men were demobilised. Again, not because of instinct.

More recently, the debate on attachment suggests that babies can form multiple secure attachments as against the idea that they form one with their primary carer.

I have nothing against SAHing, it is valid and childcare should be valued. But posts about evolution or instinct are nonsense because they suggest, wittingly or unwittingly, that working mothers lack instinct and are somehow not women.

I would nonetheless say that we have a male-oriented working culture and I have issues with buying into that.

FWIW, I did EBF, I am still extended feeding, it has sod all to do with my working status.

I think that Retropear is making up statements to back up her argument that we all secretly want to be SAHM's. Only mothers can give the children the care they need and consequently their children will turn out better.

I suspect there are a lot of men bullied into working to fund their partners choice

I think in a healthy relationship it is usually a joint decision and nobody is bullied into anything.
It's funny to imagine all these weak willed men being so horribly bullied.

Why would care outside the home be sub-standard?

Because nobody can look after my children and meet their needs as well as I can. I didn't say that was the case for everyone. For some children they might receive much better care outside of their home. If you retread my post you will see that I referred to my children and their care.

I don't think men feel trapped as the breadwinner either, generally. I think, at a population level, modern man has sussed quite nicely how to push the pram at weekend and be fun daddy, whilst leaving their wife to juggle the actual work of parenting.

Not necessarily so.

Many families these days need 2x workers.I think having a sahp takes planning.

Many couples earn similar amounts in the early days- we did in the early days.Dp has built his earning power up during the years I've had off,each year has got better.It was tough to begin with but we were on very similar when I stopped working.

Is that so Handcream.

Having a SAHP is beneficial for your family Retro
having 2 SAHP/WOHP was beneficial for mine .
No one can tell others what, in their particular circumstance, is beneficial for their children.

Dh is being a sahd for a bit soon I dont want to do it in any way. I dont want all the annoying bits he can take them He doesnt mind though as he isnt ambitious or studious and doesnt care about careers so it suits him. It wouldnt be for me though and I wouldnt want either gender of our children to do it long term.

Summer I think these days with the recession many men would prefer their partners to be working.It's tough for everybody and no family makes the choice of one parent giving up work lightly.

No Mrs exactly but apparently going by the thread title and subsequent posts many do think they can tell people what is beneficial for their family.

Not nice is it.

retro, I meant generally not just men who have SAH partners. There is enough research which shows that even women who earn more and work more, do more housework and childcare.

Im not sure why you are saying "not nice" to me ???

Im not on any "side"
I think parents should do what suits them and their circumstances .

I agree I do have some friends who bemoan this but plenty that don't.

Surely that is down to personality and can't blamed on anybody else.

When I return to work the amount I'll do will be adjusted accordingly.I'll always do more as I'll work less hours but I'll do less.Dp knows that but he is a reasonable nice guy- which is why we've been together 23 years.My sister's husband is the same,he works less hours than dsis but does more cooking,his share of the childcare and school run etc.

Funny we both had our sahm and a forces childhood but still managed to get degrees,careers and to make our family life work for us.My mum did good.

Retro pear I am guessing that your children aren't young if you have been with your partner for 23 yrs

When talking about biology we are neither completely 'hard wired' or motivated entirely according to cultural norms. There is meta stability, even at a genetic level (Epigenetics).

Patterns in thinking can affect gene expression and lead to pre dispositions towards certain behaviours which can be inherited, although environmental changes can again affect subsequent gene expression.

I actually think that being able to afford as a family to have a sahp (although only part -time now) long term is quite a good example for our children.

They know that we both worked hard at school/college, got good careers, travelled a lot, bought a great house and then had children when we were ready. They know that as we worked hard, we have always had choices in life. We have chosen the way our life is now, as it works best for our family.
What I think is important is not to pass your negative feelings about sahp / working parents onto your children. I try and teach my children that everyone's choices are valid.

10, 10 and 9 if it's important.

And I would just add my mum stopped being a sahm and went back to work when we went off to uni working for 25 years full time until 70.

I see no reason why I shouldn't get to do the same.As it is I'd like to do some serious travelling with the dc before they leave home so currently looking for part time work that fits in.

Then'll I'll cross over and get the working mum crown too,will no longer have my life choices examined and judged.Woo hoo!