Angry with friend. Am I over-reacting?

[flippinada]

One of my friends, someone I have known for many years and consider a close friend has posted something on FB (I know, I know) that has really upset and angered me.

It's a link to this article: www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/may/18/solange-jay-z-beyonce-fight-assault-domestic-violence-men-women

Anyway, the article is not the problem but her FB post is basically all about how dare we minimise women's violence against men and how awful that BE writes about it in such a frivolous fashion.

If this was someone who doesn't know me that well I would just challenge it and say I think you're wrong because XYZ.

The reason why I'm so upset and angry is this. We've been friends for such a long time. Over 25 years. She knows I was in an abusive relationship FFS!!!! I typed and deleted an angry response, because I hate it when people conduct 'spats' on FB.

I know she's entitled to her opinion, but I'm so hurt and angry and I don't know if I'm over-reacting here. I don't think I am..Am I? I genuinely don't know how to respond.

Without reading her exact post, I think she's right - violence is wrong irrespective of who the perpetrator is.

I'm sorry about your previous relationship, and very pleased that you're out.

I don't know if I am being dim, but I really can't work out what the issue with your friend is. We shouldn't minimise violence from women on men, it's bloody awful. Why has that upset you? Are you angry because you feel what you went through is much worse than a woman could inflict on a man?

I'm sorry if I have missed the point, but from what I understand from your post you are in the wrong.

So we should ignore violence against men? Violence is shocking and disgusting no matter who it is directed at. I don't think there's a top trumps system in place.

No, of course I don't think violence against anyone is ok.

For the record I haven't done anything, just posted my thoughts on here.

What has actually upset you flippin? I'm struggling to see your point of view. What was your thought process?

Would you like her to agree with the article and say that it's fine for women to attack men, because men 'aren't automatically scared' so it's totally fine?

I'm guessing not?

So, I suspect you feel that any sympathy she gives towards male victims of female violence is somehow 'disloyal' to you, because you have suffered worse than JayZ did.

If she had emailed you directly with her views, I'd maybe agree that she was being unsupportive and insensitive. But she's making a general point - violence by anyone against anyone should not be trivialised.

You feel hurt and angry, because you are still raw and feel vulnerable and unsupported. Do you maybe feel that she is quicker to respond to a general situation than she is to offer actual friendship and support to you, a real person in a real situation?

I think there's a difference between 'how dare we minimize this' and 'it is quite right to treat violence against men as serious', isn't there? I wonder if the OP feels a bit put on the spot by the first, given her experiences?

flip, I wonder if she honestly has just not connected this to what she knows has happened to you? And she might have experiences of her own bearing on it, too. It's hard to know without knowing exactly what she posted, but I think I would be tempted to act as if I'd not read much into her post and reply with something bland like 'Domestic violence stories always upset me so much - awful to think we're not making much progress'. That might remind her you have personal experience here and are being a bit triggered.

I do think she's right it's not on writing frivolously about DV at all, and I do know a few people who think it's 'hilarious' when something is done by a woman that would be shocking if done by a man.

That's a good point.

I absolutely agree that victims of violence, whoever they are, shouldn't blamed or have their experiences minimised. I agree it's not top trumps.

I find it hard to articulate why it has upset me so much.

I fail to see a problem with your friend saying no-one should play down women's violence against men.

She hasn't mentioned your previous relationship, she isn't trying to play down your experiences, she's speaking the truth.

My brother has the scars of 24 stab wounds (thanks to his ex-wife), which for me personally, is reason enough to get me angry when someone tries to play down the issue of women's violence against men.

shoudn't be blamed, I mean to say.

I really don't think she had any intention of upsetting you op. I think she has just commented about a frankly disgraceful article, because she disagrees with its content. That's fair enough, just because she feels that violence from woman to man is awful, doesn't mean she feels what you went through is any less valid.

Tell me if I'm wrong but do you believe that a woman can't be as bad as a man in a dv situation?

Tess that is absolutely appalling, I'm so sorry.

Please can I be clear that I don't condone violence of any type. I don't think violence against anybody shouldn't be taken seriously.

AMum I think you are on to something. It's kind of poked at an open wound and is more to do (I think) with our friendship than what she has actually said.

Thanks Buffy. I'm not feeling very coherent and what you've typed makes sense to me.

Apologies if my posts aren't making massive amounts of sense. I appreciate you all taking the time to comment.

I don't think the OP's friend has said anything to try and trivialize the fact that the overall problem is male-on-female violence, she has merely pointed out, quite rightly, that the Guardian article has tried to minimize the suffering SOME men go through.

If anyone uses his experience, to try and play down the fact that female victims are the majority, my brother is the first person to put them straight. All he asks in return, is people try not to play down what happened to him, which sadly many people try to do.

tess, what happened to your brother is appalling.

I do think, though, it must be very hard to put emotion to one side when you've been in this situation, as the OP has.

There is emotion clouding this, which is what makes it hard.

Thinking about it some more, it's definitely to do with issues in the friendship.

Being completely honest, I feel (rightly or wrongly) that she wasn't particularly supportive to me. Whereas a male friend of hers is going through a difficult situation wrt access and she's falling over herself to help out and be supportive.

Perhaps I'm not being fair. But it does rankle.

Before anyone jumps on me, I'm not suggesting other friend doesn't deserve support. I just notice the difference and it does hurt.

I think that's probably why it hurts then - she's supportive to others, and to 'theoretical' people, but she wasn't much actual help or support to you when you were in need of it. Maybe she is more important to you than you are to her? Or at least maybe it feels that way. She may just be a bit useless when it comes to dealing with things, or have thought of you as capable of managing fine.

But yes, of course it hurts that she's making an effort over something where she doesn't even know the people involved, when you didn't feel she did the same for you.

AMum thank you, definitely some food for thought there.

Thinking on it I don't believe she didn't consider I might be upset because really, she is not being unreasonable to say what she did and I reacted strongly because of my own circumstances.

Thanks again everyone.

((((OP))))

I hope you don't mind.

Not at all Cinnabar, thank you .

My last post was a bit garbled - what I meant is I don't think she would have posted with the intention of upsetting me.