Perfectly successful, grown up professional - and I feel like a little girl

[WorkingBling]

I have been working, successfully, for 15 years. I run my own business having worked at large corporates in relatively senior roles. I make 6 figures, allowing DH to be a SAHD.

And yet, when I turn up at a smart City office building, I feel like a little girl wearing her mummy's smart clothes. I am constantly expecting someone to jump out from behind a desk and shout, "got ya! You're just faking it and really don't have a clue."

It makes me crazy. I know I'm competent and successful. I have clients who are happy with my work. I see the output of what I do and the responses I get from the people I interact with. So why do I still feel this way? Am I still taking on board all the subliminal crap from a patriarchal society?

And most importantly, how do I stop feeling this ridiculous sense of insecurity!?

Imposter Syndrome

It's very common. For some reason it seems to be more common in women, or is it just that women admit it more ?

This is a really good video on how to combat imposter syndrome (it's aimed at those working in tech, but I think the advice is also good for other fields)

pyvideo.org/video/2659/its-dangerous-to-go-alone-battling-the-invisibl

I hide in the toilet before every meeting just trying to psyche myself up that maybe I have something of value to say and that the fact they keep paying me and asking me to do more possibly means that I am quite good at it. Never quite believe myself though.

I think you actually feel like a little girl wearing your dad's smart clothes. I do think some of it is about role models (I feel exactly the same) and expectations of women as we were growing up.

At work I do empowerment sessions about what is holding people back from doing stuff and the women almost always have some element of this. Some of the men do, especially in the UK, but the arrogance I encounter in these sessions from some guys just floors me (e.g. one guy said that how he was going to be more successful in future was 'to explain to everyone else how successful I am so they can emulate me').

I constantly feel like this and I do not earn six figures or have a SAHD or even a successful marriage. I feel it at work, in my personal life and in my role as a parent. I once felt it when asked to manage the cake stall at the school fair - ridiculous. Last week, I had to speak to the "most in-charge person of all" at work about applying for another role - one which I am qualified to do and which I have done before with some success. I went in with no confidence, spoke nervously, made a complete idiot of myself and decided not to apply for it after all.

I don't know if it makes me feel better or worse that someone as successful as the OP also suffers from this. I do know some men who experience these feelings too - but not many. Unless they just don't admit it.

I am seeing a counsellor about this very issue at the moment. She puts my lack of confidence down to my childhood. I wasn't expected to achieve anything. So when I do I think I dont deserve it. Also I have had men in my life who constantly told me I was crap.
at the moment I am faking it until I make it.

Thank you WorkingBling for starting this discussion and all the others who have replied. I especially love funnyvalentine's link.

I am not successful but I do recognise that it is this feeling which has been holding me back from contributing and starting projects. I'd like to become self-employed and do some creative work part-time (I'm a SAHP at the moment) but haven't had the confidence to begin.

Knowing that its Imposter Syndrome I'm up against will hopefully allow me to make sense of why I'm holding myself back, and help me move past it.

I'm not altogether sure of some of the advice given though - "fake it till you make it" is maybe good enough to get someone to start participating in things they weren't starting before, but does it help the people like WorkingBling who have objectively 'made it' (though I appreciate that she may have further ambitions, she is by most standards successful) but who still feel they are 'faking it'.

The other advice though about noticing/writing down measurable achievements does appeal to me because I tend to forget what I have achieved.

I can see how much I've sabotaged myself by not sticking with anything long enough to really build up expertise in it. I tend to do something for a while, get a bit of praise for it and then get scared and do something different. I think this is what has lead to me feeling quite direction-less. I've got a bunch of ideas for things I'd like to do, but I'm paralysed in terms of picking one and running with it.

At the moment I've been doing drawings (portraits from photographs) and people like them and I'd like to become self-employed and take commissions. But I keep putting it off. Not because of scared of failure - its very low risk, I'm a SAHP so we aren't relying on me having an income atm, the start up costs are minimal. I know many people would envy such a position for starting a business, there's nothing to lose. But I'm frightened of not being able to manage my time properly, of over reaching and letting people down, of people finding out I'm not a 'real' artist (I'm not very good at imaginative/expressive art, I am basically copying photographs, and I have no formal qualifications beyond a Standard Grade (GCSE equiv)and there are people out there much better than me).

I feel like if I could just build up my skills more, read a few more books etc I'd have the magic confidence I need to start. But of course its elusive and a never ending quest! And then, I have difficulty focusing on one area, why drawing, why not concentrate on one of my other hobbies/skills like writing, photography, web design, crafts etc. But I know that starting as an artist doesn't mean I can't pursue those other things and the indecision stops me from doing anything and means I am not building up the skills that I ought to be.

Sorry for the rant. My main reason to comment was to say thank you for posting as it has resonated and I found the video especially enlightening as its made me aware that when I am self deprecating about my skills I may be inadvertently making those who don't have those skills feel bad, which isn't what I intend at all.

Yes, I second the thanks for starting the thread.

The thing that is so difficult is that I can rationally recognize that I am good. I know I am intelligent as it is pretty much all I hear from people. I know I am successful because I keep getting promotions and pay rises (17% last year).

But I don't FEEL like I warrant this success. I don't FEEL like my advice and contribution is worth what my clients pay for it (my day rate is £2,500). But they keep coming back for more so clearly they do.

The consequence of this is over work. My typical working week is around 50 hours because I tie myself in knots to get it right. It's the 'insecure overachiever' model which companies love so much because we are great bloody value.

Interesting post spiritedwolf :)

I agree 'fake it till you make it' is good for early career advice, and for getting over the initial fears of doing something. It's less useful as you become successful because then you need different coping mechanisms.

One thing I find really useful is reminding myself of past achievements. Some things intimidate me at work, and I put off doing them. I'm trying not to now, and instead explicitly remind myself of the last time I successfully did something similar.

The other thing I try and keep in mind is that my job means I'm surrounded by other people who are also good at what I do (some better!). But that doesn't mean that I'm bad, just that it's easy for your view of 'good' to get skewed when you're surrounded by 'good' all day long!

I can completely relate to this: I'm a qualified engineer in my early 30s and an IT professional with one of the world's top technology consulting firms. I'm appreciated by my clients (several of whom have made me offers), and according to my boss I'm an invaluable asset and a key resource to our success.

When I look into the mirror what I actually see is a reasonably bright but frightened little girl with zero clue, who has somehow managed to avoid detection so far. I'm constantly expecting to be put on the spot and for everyone to find out that I don't really know much about anything at all.

I mostly try to deal with this via rationalisation. What has really helped me put things into perspective has been a senior co-worker confiding in me that this is something he struggles with a lot. This is someone I consider a professional role model and whom I absolutely adore on a personal level. The notion of him being anything less than stellar at what he does is, objectively speaking, completely ludicrous, and hearing him voice these kinds of doubts about himself has made me seriously consider how warped our self-perception can be.

Another coping strategy I use is to basically play make-believe with myself. So I'll walk into a meeting full of directors of something-or-other telling myself that I'm now playing the role of a subject matter expert on X who gives a great presentation on the topic. It works to some degree - but of course it also re-inforces my notion that 'real' me would not be capable of doing such a thing.