My experience of DV

[NeedAdvice2014]

I have had a thread in Relationships recently, and I want to share here what my experience has been like from a feminist perspective.

Basically I was assaulted by my drunk H, with the support of amazing caring and wise Mumsnetters I called the police. The officers who attended were very sensitive and respectful. My H was given a Caution which is not usual for DV, mainly because I said I would be happy with that - thinking about the impact on his job.

I was informed that officers from the Community Safety team would visit me later. This has not happened. I assume this is because a Caution means a 'clear up' for the police so there is no ongoing court process. However it also meant my H was free to go, and there has been no check that there was not a continuing risk to me and DCs.

I was told that the police would refer me to a local DV charity - this referral wasn't made. I rang a Helpline and got a very unhelpful response, she said "he has risked losing you by hitting you" which assumed that the relationship was continuing. She could not give any advice about benefits. I rang the local charity myself and was told I had to attend the office. As it happened my DCs were not with me and I can drive, but otherwise I couldn't have got there.

They filled in a long form with me. I asked for a referral for counselling, I was told this can take up to two weeks. It's been that now and no response. I was also told a key worker would be in touch in a couple of days. Nothing.

I am fortunate in that I am a resourceful person and have a brilliant friend supporting me. But AIBU to have wanted some professional support?

Rashida Manjoo said recently that violence against women remains a pervasive problem in the UK. This seems pretty mild but her report got a lot of criticism in the media, and predictable misrepresentation. "At least it's better than in Saudi" - as a tagline for my life, it's fairly unimpressive.

Hi, I have been following your thread in relationships and think you could not have handled this any better. Well done.

I am appalled by the lack of professional support you have but am not surprised. My dad recently recovered from alcoholism. Something he did himself because he is also resourceful. I followed all the appropriate procedures to get him help. At one point he was also arrested. Literally there was no professional help. Those who were there to help said it was self inflicted and nothing more really.

Your experience, even tho from a different aspect, is relevant because the same sectors (NHS/charity/government) are involved, receive funding and offer nothing of any value

I haven't seen your other thread but it is a bit rubbish that you arent getting ongoing support.

I imagine that there is probably a postcode lottery with these kind of services. I know in my area there will be a social work follow up to all cases of DV in a household with DCs, so you should probably expect this. They can then maybe refer you onto further support.

DV services and attitudes have improved in recent years but they are still woefully inadequate. And they wonder why so many women feel forced by circumstance into returning.

It is a big feminist issue. Maybe once you arent at crisis point you could raise it as a policy issue with your local councillor, WA, MP.

You're very brave and strong, it's outrageous how few resources are available to help dv victims. I know where I live there's very little help available and it's really only possible to get it for the more extreme cases.

I know a couple of women who are stuck in abusive relationships because they can't afford to leave. I never realised how easy it can be to become trapped until I saw their situations close up. It's so important that services are available to help those who need it.

Thank you for your comments. Raskova my H is getting lots of support, both with alcohol and anger. This is very positive of course, but it makes the contrast very clear. Weatherall in my area there isn't even a referral to SS until the second incident of DV, and then it may not result in intervention. Of course I am clear that there won't be a second incident in my case, but this means no support.

I do agree about funding and will definitely raise it with the councillors after the election. The trouble is that in an inner city, disadvantaged area crippled by ConDem cuts, it's hard to see what shouldn't be protected. In reality, it's clearly women who aren't.

It makes it even more frustrating and shocking that H is getting all the help. It makes me wonder what would happen if the tables were turned