Before i had dc I never really noticed or gave a second thought to gender inequality. I guess i felt quite liberal about it, and niavely thought that we had equality in this country, and that i couldnt be a feminist because i got on better with boys than girls at school. It was only when i simultaeounsly had my daughter and started uni that the shades began to fall and i realised just how deeply ingrained sexism and inequality is.
Now its been seen though, it just cant be unseen, and it makes me so angry. I feel like anything i might want to do or achieve in this life is always now going to be secondary to what dp wants to do. Not through his fault, just because its structurally set up that way. I find myself repsonsible for the cleaning of the house, the cooking, the organisation of the house, majority of the childcare, responsibility of bills being paid on time, homework, and without any dreams for the future that dont include my dc or dp. Its not that dp doesnt participate in any of those things, just that the responsibility naturally falls to me, i feel as though if those things werent done it would reflect worse on me than dp.
I also found that it was mostly me who gave up friendships, hobbies and potential outings/experiences due to time and money constraints, whilst dps life continues to flourish. I find it hard to get along with his friends anymore, its difficult to explain why, but i do think there is some gender related stuff there, maybe me being unfairly resentful. Also in my life there has been more than a few occasions were what i percieve to be a friendhsip with a man has petered off or turned sour after them making a sexual advance, leading me to think they're not really interested in friendship at all. Either im just really shit as a friend, or these blokes just arent interested in knowing a woman in a less than sexual capacity. In fact, looking back, i wonder if most of my so called friendships were actually sexually orientated. I used to get about a bit when i was much younger, mainly i think because of low self esteem, not many close girl frienships and wanting company. I seem to find that whilst women are almost always open to friendhships with men, men are only really interested in friendships with other men.
I feel so angry about it all. I have mh issues anyway, which are particularly bad at the moment, so im over sensitive to it all. But i just cant help being so angry at how unfair the whole system still is. Its really putting me off men, which i know isnt fair, as individually its not their fault. But i just feel like screaming about how they dont know how easy they have it, compared to women. Im in bed with stress at the moment, thinking about dropping out of my course because i cant deal with the pressure, have shouted and fallen out with someone (unfairly), alcohol issues, eating issues where ive been cutting calories then bingeing, and just generally feeling shit about it all. Ive become a ridiculous characterture of female sterotypes, unstable, nagging and angry. :(
Dont know what im really trying to gain from this, just wondering i guess if anyone else has been through this and managed to find some peace with it. Maybe some tips for how to have a more balanced home life? I reiterate my dp is more than willing to help out, and in theory would allow me to do anything i wanted, but the reality just never quite comes through. He's been away for more than a night 5 times in 3 years, and me once (for a funeral). Theoretically i could but i never have the money, or the time, and would feel guility about just uprooting. I do the majority of early mornings and bed times too, and feel guility if i ask dp to. really sorry this is long, i think i just needed a rant really.