Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Aaarrrgghh pissed of with it now!

41 replies

drmelons · 12/01/2014 00:04

This is not a post slagging off my husband, I love him, we are a true and solid partnership, but I am getting beyond fed up with people telling me how great he is because 'he does so much around the house'

He works full time, I work part time. We share child care and I do slightly more around the house than he does as I am here slightly more.

Why do we still live in a society where people still appear to marvel at a man doing housework. Not once has anybody commented how much I do around the house. I find this truly depressing.

OP posts:

Bonzodoodah · 12/01/2014 00:10

It is ... it's like being in the 50s and no one's noticed that men eat, wear clothes and use the house so need to help maintain them too.
TBH though my dh does the same if not more than me and no one comments... but then no one knows...

Original poster

drmelons · 12/01/2014 00:21

I sometimes almost think that some people look down on me because of it. However much I have been trying to fool myself it does still look as if it is the norm for women to do so much more domestically than men.

I used to wonder how and why people put up with men who don't pull their weight, but now I sometimes secretly think the whole 'my husband is so useless' chat gets quite competitive.

Different strokes for different folks I guess, it work not work for us. We would have no respect for each other.

OP posts:

sashh · 12/01/2014 06:44

I have a male carer, I never do housework. I only occasionally do the washing.

It confuses people a lot.

GoingToBedfordshire · 12/01/2014 07:00

I can relate to this. I am SAHM, DH works full time. I do bulk of childcare (youngest not yet at preschool) but it is shared at weekends and holidays. He puts washing on and cooks. He is a great partner and father. It gets commented on frequently about how great he is and he is, do not get me wrong. I always nod and agree but am sometimes inwardly getting more and more irritated that it is mentioned so frequently. I find it hard to challenge without sounding bitter and ungracious.

It should be the norm that both partners share the workload of family life to whatever degree they find acceptable.

wonderstuff · 12/01/2014 07:07

Totally agree. I had an aunt who used to comment on how DH spoilt mt, with her best sucking lemons face on.

I'm shocked at some of my friends and how unequal their domestic workload is split.

Original poster

drmelons · 12/01/2014 18:47

Glad I am not the only one. My own father commented that my husband 'does too much for me' WTF why is him washing his own clothes doing something for me??!

It's not that I want acknowledgement for what I do at all, I just sometimes want to reply that I too work out of the home and yet do domestic duties too. I can't find a response which doesn't make me sound bitter, but manages to politely point out the inherrent sexism in these comments.

OP posts:

UptoapointLordCopper · 12/01/2014 19:03

It is the idea that housework is the woman's responsibility. Gives me the rage. The next person who says "You are so lucky he does the washing up" will get dirty dishes rammed down their throats and up where it doesn't shine.

Original poster

drmelons · 12/01/2014 19:09

I was hoping to avoid extreme violence upto but if all else fails....... You are right though it is the assumption that anything that a man does domestically is really just as a favour to the women.

We need a phrase equivalent to 'did you mean to be so rude?' In response.

OP posts:

2beornot · 12/01/2014 19:10

I hate the phrase "he's so good with her" (DH with DD). Yes he is, as am I. Not surprising really given that we both made her.

I don't often here the ones about domestic chores though, either because people don't know or realise that if we both work full time we do equal at home (or more correctly we both equally ignore the cleaning at home!).

2beornot · 12/01/2014 19:11

Ooh just remembered another - people keep asking me where dd is, or whose got dd?! I just give them a confused look and say DH. He doesn't get the third degree on his daughters whereabouts thought

iwouldgoouttonight · 12/01/2014 19:12

My MIL does the sucking lemons face whenever she's reminded that DP irons his own shirts and that we share the cooking and cleaning. We both have children we both work outside the home, if he couldn't iron his own clothes I'd struggle to respect him.

It does seem depressingly accepted that a woman will do more of the housework, I wish I could think of a witty retort for when people seem surprised that DP is able to wash his own clothes.

TheOneWithTheHair · 12/01/2014 19:14

Ask them why. "He's so good round the house!"

"oh really? Why?"

"Oh well, all the cooking/cleaning/washing he does."

"Oh I see. I didn't realise he never eats/wears clothes/makes a mess."

Then smile and change the subject.

Original poster

drmelons · 12/01/2014 19:16

....don't get me started on fathers 'babysitting' their own children.

I may be biased but ours is one of the most successful partnerships that I know of. I am convinced that this is partly based somewhat on the fact that we share both the earning and workload and respect each other because of it.

OP posts:

MumOfAPickle · 12/01/2014 19:21

Totally agree. I have a couple of friends who are lovely, normal, well educated women who are always telling me wistfully how lucky I am just because DH pulls his weight around the house. It drives me up the wall! I've known them forever so I have no problem saying no, I'm not lucky it's just normal and how it should be for everyone.
It's not just them though, in the playground on Friday there was a group of us and I was the only one who's DH did tbe packed lunches in the morning even though it was a job they all hated. And this was a mix of women who work full time, part time and not at all (out of the home)

KissesBreakingWave · 12/01/2014 19:26

More than grinds my gears a bit. I'm the tidy/clean/organised freak in my partnership (yes, it's part of my MH issues but it's a useful part so I leave it be) and comment gets passed about it. And I care for my very elderly grandmother and I get praised for doing that, too, to an extent that none of the female carers I know get.

AllDirections · 12/01/2014 19:32

I have a single dad friend and we go on single parent holidays together. I get the rage often when other mums go on about how great a dad he is because he's given his DS breakfast or taken him for a walk. I always ask why that's so great when us mums do it all the time. Every single time they start going on about how caring for a child isn't natural for a man so he's fab for doing it I've had some arguments heated discussions.

TossedSaladsAndScrambledEggs · 12/01/2014 19:36

Don't get me started on this my dp is "amazing" and I am "so lucky" because we share housework/childcare. Actually I probably so slightly more tbh. We are both out the house full time.

I also feel that there is an insinuation that I am a lazy slattern and a bad mother when these comments are made. Makes my blood boil.

Original poster

drmelons · 12/01/2014 20:31

I don't think this is anything to do with laziness on the part of the men. Women allow men to behave like this. There are certain ways that my husband does somethings that I don't like, and are different to the way I do things. We either have a 'conversation' about this or I just suck it up and get on with it. (I on the other hand do everything perfectly!

OP posts:

TheDoctrineOf2014 · 12/01/2014 21:44

I hear you, OP.

Original poster

drmelons · 12/01/2014 22:08

Although the fact that it winds up my MIL is a bonus ;-)

OP posts:

AntiJamDidi · 12/01/2014 22:21

I was told the other day that my dp is a saint . I work ft (term time only as I'm a teacher) and dp works pt (4 days), so during term time he does more around the house than I do because I'm busier, then in school holidays I do more.

When I said this to the mum of one of dd2's friends she first of all looked horrified that he was pt and I am ft, she assumed I would prefer it to be the other way around. Then when I said I liked it because he does most of the housework on his day off so we both get the weekend without worrying about washing etc and she was absolutely amazed that he'd do that. She asked how I got lucky enough to be married to such a saint (we aren't married actually). I did ask if she'd think a woman who worked pt and did most of the housework, she looked uncomfortable and said no she probably wouldn't, but it's so much more unusual for a man to do it.

wonderstuff · 12/01/2014 22:40

My DH hated it when I was on mat leave and not earning, he hated the pressure of being the main breadwinner, I think he'd love it if I did more at home, but if doing his far share of home stuff means I do my fair share of earning, he steps up. And he knows that's the right thing to do, we respect each other, we do nice things for each other.

I do think women allow men to be lazy, I also think it is hard to not get controlling about childcare and housework when you have been the person at home. Then it's easier for men to not bother. DH and I don't always agree, but I let him crack on, because I'm not in charge of the kids and I don't want to be. We do discuss and agree generally, when I hear him shouting though I do fight an urge to intervene and calm the waters, but I normally fight it, because if I did breeze in every time, it would undermine him.

Original poster

drmelons · 12/01/2014 23:13

Think you have nailed it there wonder-it's all about respect, and it works both ways.

OP posts:

WoTmania · 14/01/2014 09:23

I hear you (as does DH). He's recently been told he's good, or coping really well when out with all three DC. I went away for the weekend not long ago and likewise people were marvelling that I was able to and that he could 'cope' alone. He finds it quite insulting and annoying as he knows full well that I never get the same comments. But of course I'm a woman so it comes naturally .

TaurielTest · 14/01/2014 09:32

ITA with so many things expressed here. We both work p/t, both care for our DCs, both do housework. We lived together before we became a couple and for a few years before DCs came along, and our attitude was always - whyever wouldn't we organize things this way? But I'm always being told how amazing DP is, how remarkable it is that he can take care of the children, isn't he a "gem"... Pfft. It's patronizing to him and hugely sexist.

What's noticeable is that, at uni and pre-kids, we knew lots of equable couples that did the same - and then when one of them had a baby & maternity leave, there was this shift into breadwinner and homemaker mindsets - much more so than the actual practicalities of who was at home and who was earning would require.

Flip

1 2