Help explaining feminism to my daughter? Books? Films?

[soundedbetterinmyhead]

I am having quite a few conversations with dd (12) recently around music videos, women in the media, sexuality and stuff like that. She's just moved to high school, so not surprising about her curiosity. However, she just doesn't get why I have a problem with twerking, pole-dancing images and such on music videos - she just laughs and says that if she looked that good, she'd want to show it off too and why not ? She said it was a good job the women didn't all dress like me as no-one would buy the videos or music.

I just feel like we are not understanding each other right now - she says that things are different now and women are free to express themselves without their clothes on if they want and that's a good thing. Inwardly I'm going 'aaargh!', but perhaps some of this is a reaction to having me as a mother? I don't want to stifle her views, but I do want to guide her in the right direction as a young woman. Does anyone know of any books / films we could watch together showing women in a better light? I feel a bit lost, she's my eldest and only daughter.

I can't think of any books or films which would solve your problem. I would talk to your daughter about the fight women had to gain the vote and "equality". I have used quote marks because I think there is a long way to go. Ideally you can educate your daughter about the patriarchal society in which we live and hopefully get her to realise that flashing your body around is not a sign of empowerment and liberation, but exploitation.

You will have to take it slowly so your DD dosen't think you are being old fashioned. I have a nearly 15 year old son who keeps telling me I have Victorian views because I have confiscated his ipod after discovering he have been viewing porn!

Ps I also have a daughter.

Give her Kat Banyard's The Equality Illusion.

It's a very accessible book that exposes the insidious sexism that lies behind so much of what we consider 'normal' in society.

www.amazon.co.uk/The-Equality-Illusion-Truth-about/dp/0571246273

Thank you - I shall have a look at that. This has caught me by surprise a bit - I suppose it comes with having an almost teenager. For the first time, I feel out of my depth as a parent.

I'd also talk to her about how these videos keep buying in to the trope that a woman's value is in the way she looks. She herself is already buying into that already with the comment about the way you dress. Ask her if she would like it if all her achievements were considered irrelevant in favour of her looks? Or what would happen if for some reason she lost her looks?

Perhaps discuss how all the women are very similar I.e.slim, attractive, young etc and point out the greater variety in men you see on the screens. How men have more freedom in the looks department and it shouldn't have to be that way.

You just have to question everything. I suppose I am very lucky in that my daughter (nearly 12) is completely disgusted by music videos with womens bodies on display. She questions why women are used to sell everything and always pulls up adverts which show women being mothers, cleaners etc rather than workers or executives. She is pretty enlightened for an 11 year old.

When I was her age I read The Woman's Room. it was pretty high brow, but I got the sentiment and felt the rage. it pretty much inspired my future life. However it talks about sex and uses swearwords so it might be a little too old for your daughter.

Do you have examples in your own life you could share with her? Times when you were passed over for promotion, when you were made to feel like a sexual object by a strange man or even incidents of abuse (I really hope not). You may feel this is scaremongering, but it may help her to realise that things haven't changed and that you care about this for very good reasons.

I run a website for kids that covers many of these issues - she might like to have a look at the articles written by her peers. There are a few articles such as this one on Photoshop fakery and this on wearing makeup

I have always pointed out when adverts are sexist - it doesn't have to be an indepth discussion, but a short comment along the lines of 'pffft, can they not sell that car without the half-naked women draped across it?'.

I'd also show her clips of Jennifer Lawrence who has spoken out against the way in which women are portrayed in the media.

I bought this for my niece, I had a look through, and it's brilliant

And MmeLindor's mag is brilliant. I look through it with DS.

Oh, and since she is on the upper range of our target market (we are aiming at 8 - 12 yrs), maybe show her Rookie Mag which discusses these issues

I Think this is more the fact

a) she is 12. the sound of anything remotely sounding like a lecture she will just turn off.

b) your her mother, anything from you is of course boring and for 'old people''frumpy people' etc.

c) I remember thinking stuff like that at 12, and growing out of it , a 12 year old is still very immature, even the 'mature for their age' ones.

Yes I agree Jump mag is great and as it is done by peers may be less threatening and she maybe feel more able to engage than through her mother (no offence - I'm just remembering how I felt around her age)

yy, agree with that.

Point her in the direction of Jump! Mag and Rookie (or if she has a favourite aunt or older 'role model', ask her to show her the sites.

Then you can sit back and say, 'What?! Really? Gosh, that is awful' when she reads you stuff about feminism.

I have to strongly object to, possibly talking to a 12 year old about 'incidents of abuse' , parents burdening children with kind of personal information is a form of trauma in itself (I know from experience) you may end up with a very damaged young lady.

I don't think OP was planning a lecture. She clearly wants to engage her daughter in a discussion and show her alternatives to the world order her current peers and role models are showing her.

Agree with BarfaStewart, Girls are Best by Sandi Toksvig is excellent - very funny and full of positive inspiring female role models from ancient history to the recent past. My DD got it for her 8th birthday and is still enjoying it now aged 10.

Mme, good suggestion about the aunt. I am my niece's favourite. When she grows up, she want's to be just like me (how teary did I get at that!) so I have been gently steering her towards feminism, encouraging her to continue off-road biking, because she loves it - but it's not "girly enough", and discussing things like body image and peer pressure. It has worked far better than if her mum tried.

I think you can talk about abuse at an age appropriate level. Examples in TV shows she watches maybe a starting point for something like that.

I would be careful of personal anecdotes of abuse/harrassment, as I think this could be upsetting for a 12 yr old.

Perhaps anecdotes of a positive nature would be better.

or general converstions about abuse, like 'I know this girl who ....' as a vehicle for these conversations.

MmeLindor - apologies for the slight hijack. can I ask if you can buy jump in hard copy and is it suitable for just 8 year old?

Paperlantern
No, it's online only - the site isn't bringing in any money and I can't afford distribution costs.

I've a redesign planned for early next year, and will be offering subscription - some of the site will remain free though. We still won't be printing it. It's just not economically viable, and kids want the interactive content, videos etc.

It's aimed at 8-12 yr olds. Some articles might be a bit advanced for younger readers but if you read with your dd should be fine. My son is 9yrs old and has been reading it from the beginning.

Assuming heterosexuality on the part of your daughter

The question would be why, when girls like looking at boys as much as boys like looking at girls, why it is always the girls and women who are wearing next to nothing, gyrating etc.

If we had equality, there would be a similar amount of images, and probably a bit more balanced than the ones we have at the mo.

Also for some random reason, after a bottle of wine my brain is suggesting to watch the rocky horror show I'm not sure ( by own brain) but it's the only "mainstream" thing I can think of where the men and the women are all dressed the same ("sexy" by your daughter's standards) and sexuality and gender are all up for grabs.

Her idea that only fit women can sell stuff is really iffy - heterosexual women and gay men prefer to look at attractive men - and that adds up to more than 50% of the population so why is it all attractive women in ads?

Just some thoughts... Mine are 6 and 3 so I've got all this to come!!!