Want to prepare myself for successful future relationships... Any ideas?

[Charcoalbriquettes]

Hi everyone. After 10 years monogamy with a man I loved deeply, I am now single. Unfortunately we had massive cultural differences which we did not twig would destroy our relationship until it was too late. We then spent years trying to be different from what we were to stay together, but this was not a success.

I was completely happy with the idea of monogamy and it came easily.... I simply wasn't interested in anyone else. (despite having had few previous LTR, but Lots of sexual partners).

I am now not really interested in leaping into another LTR, as I have children and it would be unfair on them to introduce a new member to the family, when realistically it might not last..

I do want to have sex, however. And there are 3 unattached men who I am interested in.

Monogamy has defined my sexuality for so long. Previous to that I was free, but got hurt sometimes by casual lovers.

I want to think about what kind of relationship I want next. One which is respectful to both parties as well as my children and does not cause hurt. I think monogamy is a simple answer to this, and I am on here asking if other people have found ways to define relationships which avoid the assumption that monogamy is best, without dismissing its value.

perhaps what you are really searching for is "honesty" rather than "monogamy". if you want to be free to play the field for a while you just need to be very open about it. Don't try to hide the fact.

However, don't bring men to whom you are not fully attached into your home when the kids are around. this could be damaging to them.

the honesty must go both ways. you need to know when or if your partner is also seeing someone else or wants something casual. you may or may not be able to deal with this and may ask for a monogamous relationship after a while. but being open about it from the start will leave the door open for that conversation.

Yes, honesty and openmindedness is definately what I want.

Thanks for your comment, by the way.

I intend to be very careful with the kids... I do have a limited amount of time alone when they are at their dad's but this will make any relationship very limited anyway.

Hmm. Are you capable of having sex without getting emotionally involved? I'm not (rather annoyingly) but have friends who would be very happy with the sort of casual but honest relationships you're envisaging.

Good question. I think if I can define the relationship clearly then it's ok. Once I had an amazing time with someone. I was very clear that I was up for a 2 week shag fest and we had the most amazing holiday together, I went back to uni, he went back to his life and we remain good friends.

That is what I am kind of asking here... What terms work for a post- monogamy relationship?

I don't think I am going to find this easy... I have rarely discussed relationships at an early stage in the past, as it seemed to jinx them. But by the time we did, I was often too emotionally involved.

The terms that work are the ones that suit you, assuming you can find a partner who has the same general philosophy.

There is no set pattern for "post-monogamy" relationships; just as there isn't in any other framework.

Work out what you want; seek people whose view are similar. Avoid hurting anyone. Go for it.

Hi meditrine,The idea of posting on here was to get some insight from other peoples experiences. I will do what suits me. But my point is that monogamy defines you.... And being released from those confines, I need to find some new definitions, so I don't know what suits me yet!

I could have put this on relationships for more traffic, but I put it here because I would like comment from people who have considered the way monogamy works in patriarchy, and who might have experience of other ways to define intimate relationships with men.