I have agreed to marry DP......

[VelvetStrider]

After nearly two decades together where he wasn't bothered one way or the other about marriage and I was put off by all the misogynistic traditions entrenched within the ceremony, we have decided it might be a good idea to get married. Partly for the legal protection aspect, but also it would be nice to bond the family together in some way.

We have two children so I'd like to include some sort of naming ceremony as part of the proceedings, so the day is about us as a family rather than ownership of me passing from my Dad to DP (which is how a lot of my friends' weddings have come across and is the reason I feel so uncomfortable about them).

I could use some ideas from you lot though . What can we do to make the day special and magical when I'm rejecting so many of the 'traditional' bits? There will be no walking down aisles, or giving away, obeying, veil, white dress, 'man and wife' and all the other offensive crap, also neither of us fancy doing a speech and we'd like to keep things quite informal.

Please tell me about all the lovely, non-sexist things that you've seen or done at weddings!

Hi VelvetStrider congratulations.

My father had died by the time my sister got married so she walked in with my daughter as her flower girl. I count myself very lucky that my dad walked me down the aisle. He had spent ages preparing, where he would stand, what he needed to say (I do) in answer to the (yes, very sexist question) who gives this woman to be married to this man. As we prepared to walk down the aisle he turned to me and said "You'll have to tell me what to do, I've forgotten everything!"

I don't think most modern parents (or husbands) view the imagery as it is represented (although, of course you are very right it, it is totally patriarcical). I think it is all old fashioned and sexist and for me if my DD were getting married now I guess she would walk herself down the aisle. But if she asked me it might be nice to say (as a parent) that I am delighthted/give my blessing etc to her marriage and for that to be part of the ceremony. Maybe your kids could lead the cheer that sometimes goes up when a couple kiss at the end of the service. maybe instead of 'man and wife# or whatever the person officiating could say 'I now declare you married', and then a massive cheer led by your children? My daughter hates to be in the limelight so would not handle that at all.

Will you write 'vows' or make declarations of love? If so this is an area where you could both write your own thing.

A friend had her son baptised after her wedding, it was really beautiful.They played Jon Lennon's 'beautiful boy'. We had our daughter dedicated. So for us it was about dedicating ourselves as parents. I must admit I have never been to a naming ceremony. Is the significance of the naming ceremony a way of expressing your delight in having the children you have?

Hope it all goes really well.

If you don't want to do speeches etc how about doing the basics at reg office then getting in a humanist celebrant humanism.org.uk/ceremonies/non-religious-weddings/ to conduct something for you? They could do it wherever you like. What's a special place for you as a family? They could tell the story of your family, and explain that this is a ceremony to celebrate your marriage to each other and the strengthening of the bond between you all as a family. In terms of bringing in the kids, instead of just exchanging rings perhaps you could get a simple silver bracelet for each child as well, so you all give each other a new sign of your family connection?

What about the chapel at the Ice Hotel in Sweden? Awesome adventure for all of you. I saw a wedding whilst we were there. The bride had a reasonably big dress with a fur cape and huge furry boots hidden under her dress. 'Twas magical.

Just an idea but have a look at Humanist ceremonies. I had no idea what one would be like (tbh thought it would be a bit hippy-ish) but went to one recently and it was fantastic. It was really modern and relevant and included a bit where the guy running the show read out a load of one liners he had heard the couple say to him about each other and why they wanted to marry. Instead if speeches their two best friends did readings but introduced themselves first and gave a little anecdote about how they knew the couple and why they were good together. They also did hand fasting and it makes me wonder if you could include the children in that? So instead of the two of you being 'bound' together it would be the four of you? I'm a traditional kind of gal but this wedding really opened my eyes.

Wow, I really like MooseBeTimeForSnow idea. How amazing. as long as it is fake fur of course!

Can you work along the lines of "we as a family are meeting to celebrate our relationships, proclaim our intention to be a family for the rest of our lives, and would love to have a party with all of you"

So send invites out from your family group, if any of yo are changing or adopting a different name, have that publicly acknowledged, have all of you meeting people together, then going through the ceremony together. Just put the emphasis on being one happy loving family group, rather than husband/wife stuff.