I have agreed to marry DP......

[VelvetStrider]

After nearly two decades together where he wasn't bothered one way or the other about marriage and I was put off by all the misogynistic traditions entrenched within the ceremony, we have decided it might be a good idea to get married. Partly for the legal protection aspect, but also it would be nice to bond the family together in some way.

We have two children so I'd like to include some sort of naming ceremony as part of the proceedings, so the day is about us as a family rather than ownership of me passing from my Dad to DP (which is how a lot of my friends' weddings have come across and is the reason I feel so uncomfortable about them).

I could use some ideas from you lot though . What can we do to make the day special and magical when I'm rejecting so many of the 'traditional' bits? There will be no walking down aisles, or giving away, obeying, veil, white dress, 'man and wife' and all the other offensive crap, also neither of us fancy doing a speech and we'd like to keep things quite informal.

Please tell me about all the lovely, non-sexist things that you've seen or done at weddings!

I went to a wedding once which was the second marriage of both parties, and the adult children of each of the couple came in with different flowers (ie bride's children had daffodils, groom's children had tulips), and there was a point in the ceremony where they exchanged flowers to make mixed bouquets. That was simple but has stuck with me. Yours isn't a blended family but maybe a way to adapt that idea?

Just go away on a holliday, just the two of you, maybe an adventure-holliday.
We went to Svalbard and got married, just us two, spent a couple of days hiking and got married at the Sysselmann's office, then celebrated with an outragesly expensive, but best meal I've ever had at the local Radisson. The whole trip was magical and it all felt so real and deeply personal because it was just us two together at this remote place. I guess I'm not much of a ceremony kind of girl :-) Later we took friends and family out for a nice meal in a restaurant to celebrate with them.

We went to a "wedding" recently which took place after the official ceremony & was in the form of a mini play performance. The "celebrant" was the narrator & told a sort of embellished version of the story of the couple's lives & how they met etc Some members of the audience had bits as well. It worked quite well & they are of theatrical/arts background so suited them down to the ground. It was the most unique ceremony I've been to & was very memorable - I'd never do anything like it in a million years myself but just mentioning for possible inspiration.

How old are your children? That might affect the ideas people have for involving them?

I know a family with quite young children where all four of them walked into the ceremony together. So the guests were seated, and the family all walked in and to the front. That looked nice (wasn't actually there, saw the photos after).

Oh, and I know one couple with older children where the eldest read out a little thing he'd written on his family (you know, their traditions and funny ways, etc) which apparently had the guests in both fits of giggles and misting up.

Thanks for the ideas ! The children are 5 and 2 so I think if I asked DS to do a speech it would probably end up being about poo and willies but I love the idea of us all arriving together. I also like the mixed flowers idea.

DP is antisocial quite shy so I can't imagine him taking part in any sort of drama performance but it sounds a great idea for more 'theatrical' folk. The adventure break sounds amazing but I really want all of my family and friends there - I think DP is envisioning a small gathering so there may be some 'discussions' to come!!

Any ideas about combining the wedding and naming ceremonies in an informal way without being too cheesy?

Are you thinking about naming your children ceremonies?
You could maybe reconceptualise the whole event as a family-bonding-and-celebrating event? Are you changing/double-barrelling your surnames?
The other thing that the mixed flowers people did was to decorate the venue with photos and mementoes of their lives together up until that point, in date order around the walls, which was nice - it made the journey of their time together really central. Maybe you could do that and have some way for friends/family to add in their memories of your family lives?
I've often thought about how I would do a wedding, seeing as I feel like you that a lot of it is misogynist bollocks. I think I would have to start with a blank sheet and then make a list of all the elements that I did want to introduce eg:
Family and friends come together
A big meal
Saying some vows/promises publicly to each other/speaking publicly about our mutual appreciation of each other
Music
Dancing
Children included in the ceremony in some way

Watching intently for inspiration as I have strong views on a lot of the traditional bits too and it is putting me off organising it!

Hmmm. I am not an expert. I do own two children of a similar age to yours though.

If I was planning a wedding now, I'd probably do it as 'a celebration of the X Y's' I think it'd be a bit odd to have anything that was too much about making a new family because (unlike a blended family, where the wedding may well be cementing something) you obviously already are one.

Have you thought about maybe stealing some ideas from Christening ceremonies and de-religioning it? You could each make promises to your children and have some of the significant adults in their life do too?

Have you thought about the food? I've always thought that the meal bit of a wedding is hard work if you have small kids. Keeping them quiet and sitting down, etc. Maybe a big bbq or buffet or something where it is all more relaxed? And if you're not into speeches a little slideshow of photos is really easy to compile with some wording at the end (much better worded than this but expressing the sentiment) "Thank you for being part of this celebration of our family and we look forward to sharing the next stage of the journey with you all"

All walk down the aisle together. Aisles are fun!
Get the kids to read or sing a poem or song (there's stuff in the owl and the pussycat, or various lear poems, or a a milne etc). Have children involved generally.
Husband and wife not man and wife
Happy songs not "bridal" ones. Whatever you like!
Have drinks in the venue before hand.
Put photos of your family on the programme.

Yes, I'd like to have some sort of naming ceremony/non-religious christening thingy as part of it. Not sure if we'll double barrel our surnames - DCs already have both names, but I know it will really piss me off if I'm referred to as Mrs DPsurname, so we need to make it crystal clear what we are doing!

I've always hated the 'bittiness' of most weddings - the church, then hanging about for ages, then formal speeches and posh food, then more hanging around before the acquaintances turn up for the cheesy disco. I'd much rather do the whole thing in one go, more like a bbq or garden party or village fete, so everybody can be there for the whole event without it becoming too expensive!

Can you get married anywhere these days, or will be limited to certain licensed venues?

Have I really got to be a 'wife'?? It would be so much simpler if they let everyone have civil partnerships!

I went a lovely wedding in Spain which took place in the groom's parents' garden. Someone took the phone off the small table in the hall and carried it out when the registrar arrived, that was where they signed the papers. we all stood around except for some older people who sat on about 10 chairs that had been brought out from the house, the wedding took about 3 minutes and then it was dinner and dancing. All night. It was lovely because it was so informal but it could also have been lovely if the wedding part had been a bit longer and wordier (although I would not have understood it as it would have been Spanish)

I also went to a handfasting which I loved, which took place outdoors with people standing around in a circle... I think the people standing around outdoors bit is really nice! Not squashed passively into chairs into places with air conditioning... people active and alert and involved in your ceremony, under the sky

I don't think you are allowed to get married outdoors in this country but you could get a light barn-like venue and stand right in the doorway or something ;)

It is a pity you don't want to do speeches because I think you and dp are the people to officially name your children if you are not religious. It would be nice if you could bring yourself to do a short sweet announcement of how happy you are to have dc1, how you named him Alfonso after dear great Uncle Alfonso, and how he lives up to his name, or doesn't, because blah. If you do not think this is "you" then you should just sit in a giant throne and make the dcs kneel in front of you while you touch them on the shoulders saying "arise, Alfonso!"

I agree with Mildred that standing up involves people a lot more (with seating for those who need it).

I don't think you are allowed to marry outside in the UK either, but bear in mind that the legalities are fairly short. You could choose to have the formal legal bits done in a barn type venue and then move outside afterwards for more informal readings, naming, etc. I think as long as the registrar has departed, you can do pretty much what you like. Probably want a back up in case of showers too!

did I miss something? Got married two decades ago in a registry office and don't recall anything in the 10 minute ceremony about passing from ownership of one man to another. I think it was love, honour and cherish - obey was long gone even then.

nope, looked really hard and can't see anything paternalistic or about ownership. I've been to other reg office ceremonies since and never noticed anything like that - and they were still lovely moments full of meaning for the couple.

no fuss, no hassle, job done. I think it costs about £100 now, you might want to buy a new outfit but it isn't compulsory.

Offensive crap!? Well I have fell down the rabbit hole. I got married in a registry office and all we said was there was no reason for us not to marry.

You have to be married in licenced venue that has to be indoors, but a lot of places get round that by having gazebos with a liecence so you can sort of get married outside, so long as you are both stood under it...

I've been to a wedding where they walked in together down the aisle rather than one waiting for the other - so not so much as being 'given away' more "grand arrival".

If you are having a civil wedding, ask what are the bare legal bits and how much alteration you can do to the rest. I think you only have to confirm your names, that you enter into the marriage freely, and you aren't married to anyone else and sign the register. (but worth checking) Everything other than that is just padding so you can alter the padding as you like, but not put in any religious bits to a civil wedding.

It might sound silly, but if you want to take a lot of the male/female traditional roles out of your wedding, it might be worth looking at gay weddings/civil partnerships - there's lots of websites with gay wedding planning ideas.

oh and congraulations!

I'm not really getting the naming ceremony bit tbh. What does it have to do with the wedding? I know that people occasionally do a joint church christening/wedding (possibly to kill two birds with one stone?), but surely at 5 and 2 the children have already been named for quite a long time? Esp. as they already have both your names and nothing will be changing.

Instead of a naming ceremony maybe you could find a simpler way of involving your children? I like the idea of all walking in together, or them standing up with you. Or a non-religious dedication/pledge made to them by you and your DP? It's really easy to have a low key feminist wedding. I've been to loads! Avoiding all the things you want to avoid is really quite common these days Congrats!

My views on marriage (the traditional bits) are similar to yours and my children were a similar age when we got married.

A few things we did were.

All four of us walked down the aisle together. No 'giving away' or anything although I have no contact with my Dad anyway so I think some people though I was just getting around that.

I didn't have a bouquet or anything that made me 'bride'.

Instead of any formal speeches, me & DH stood up together and said a few words, just thank you for coming etc, nothing OTT.

We had a formal-ish meal but had one big banquet table with lots of dishes that people helped themselves to, which was really nice, social and didn't make it feel like a formal wedding.

We didn't do a naming ceremony like you want but made sure our DCs & other kids were part of things. We had giant board games in the hotel gardens which all guests played, made everything fun & relaxed with the focus on a family day.

No cake cutting or first dance. Big party in the evening where the DJ just coaxed everyone into getting on the dance floor. Lots of good music plus some kiddy songs too.

Thankyou, there are some really great ideas here - love the giant board games idea. I'll definitely look at gay wedding sites - I didn't realise there were any! Although in my (limited) experience of gay weddings/civil partnerships they have still tended to lean towards traditional male/female roles, which I found quite confusing - eg one woman wears a white dress, the other woman wears a man's suit, and one man took his husband's surname.

I'm not sure if 'naming ceremony' is quite right either tbh. What I mean is the equivalent of us getting married as a family - so instead of becoming a couple, we become a unit of four, if that makes sense. I'm not quite certain how to word it or what it would involve. Binding our lives together with love, showing our lifelong commitment I suppose, although that all sounds a bit cringey!

specialsubject - it's all implied. Traditionally your Dad walks you down the aisle and 'gives you away', then the vicar says something like 'who gives this woman to wed this man'. You can't give something away if you don't own it imo. It's just one of the hangovers from the days when women were thought of as second class citizens, chattels owned by their husband, and I don't want it to be any part of my wedding.

Ah, velvet - the 'who gives this woman to wed this man' bit is just for church weddings. There's nothing like that in a civil wedding. See if there's details of the 'standard' ceremony on the council's website.

Oh and if you and your DH2B aren't all that traditional, your wedding just won't be!

Well, I only have experience of one gay wedding, but both brides wore dresses (not matching ones! But I think that they had had someone see both to check that they would look ok together) and they took a new family name formed from parts of both surnames (which I think is lovely if it works with your names).

I think it's a bit odd to talk about 'becoming' a unit of four to be horribly blunt. Surely you are already? I'd have said it's more a thanksgiving for your family. Many Christian families who don't have a Christening have a thanksgiving service. Maybe there is something you could steal from there and de-religion? Or something from other religions? It's a bit cheesy, but I kind of like a variation on the bouquets thing upthread- if each member of the family had different flowers and you blended them together to make an arrangement symbolising the different things you all bring to one whole. I am sure you could do similar with other things as well. Wouldn't have to be flowers.

For afterwards, all of you choosing your favourite music and making one big playlist would be nice? Maybe planting a tree or something at your home or somewhere suitable?

dontmind - but the symbolism of being walked down the aisle is still conveying a similar thing, even without the words. Not that I can talk, as I said upthread.

I was walked down the aisle by my Mum. For me this was a piece of symbolism which represented my relationship with her, my admiration and thanks to her for bringing me up and being there. it really was about me moving on to a new chapter in my life, as a wife and a mother. it wasn't about ownership at all and I never felt that. I didn't see myself as a chattel moving from one family to another, but as me taking a step forward in my life which inevitably would mean a different relationship with my immediate family.

That said, I would never have had my dad walk me down the aisle. I had no admiration for his parenting skills, didn't feel attached to him in any way and couldn't think of anyone worse to be representing my family. He wasn't even there. (he was invited, but chose not to come - it meant an overseas trip).

I just wanted to point out that the walking up the aisle bit doesn't have to mean a passing of ownership and I doubt many women see it that way these days.

Just to add my agreement about registry office. I got married at ours recently and we just did the legal bits - took about 10 mins as pp have said. I walked down the aisle with DH. I love my dad and he was there but as I didn't belong to him, there was no need for him to give me away. (Plus I certainly don't belong to DH now). My dad was proud that I felt that way. We didn't but I think you can add any vows you want, so you might be able to get the naming part included in the ceremony. You could have reception / dancing / food / drinks at the registry office too these days, or at any civil-approved venue.
Congrats by the way

At Jewish weddings the bride walks down the aisle with both parents and so does the groom . Love this.

At my wedding we struck the words Who give this women to this man.... I refused to wear a veil and we scrapped the bouquet toss, which I find insulting to single women

Congratulations :)

I love that skater. Probably doesn't work so well if the couple already have children, but for a couple who don't it's lovely. I respect people bringing their own perspectives to walking down the aisle -e.g. Whatdoesit's story is lovely - but so often it is still the woman being walked down and the man standing at the top as an independent individual. I'll say again that I'm a hypocrite because my Dad walked me down the aisle though.