Age of consent/average age to loose virginity, feminist issue?

[misspontypine]

I don't venture over to the feminism topics often, please excuse me if I am asking an inapropriate question.

I have recently been reading a few threads on AIBU that talk about age of consent/average age for young people to have sex.

My mum brought me up in a feminist enviroment(sinle mother, no dresses, no barbie (or girls toys/boys toys), lots of positive talk about the power of having periods/fertility/babies me and my brother were allways treated exactly the same)

I was allowed to have my long term boyfriend sleep over in my bed when I was 13/14 years old. We decided to have sex a week before I turned 15. I feel like from a feminist perspective it was right to empower me to be able to make my own sexual decisions.

I was taught that my opinin was very important, no ment no, sexuality was not something to be ashamed off, as a woman you have huge power becuase you are ultimatly in controll of contraception and if any children are born (through unprotected sex or protected sex) you as a woman have autoatic right over those children (it was the 90s.)

Is it right to tell young women (or men) to wait untill they are 16 to have sex despite people reaching sexual maturity at all different ages?

I think I have probably misunderstood my mother's "lax" parenting as an extension of her feminist priciples. I was only ever talking about relationships between same age couples, not older men taking advantage of younger women.

I see being in charge/responsible for your sexual activity and contraception from a young age to be a positive thing for me. I have never felt unequal in a relationship, I thought that was maybe because I was allways in controll of my own sexuality.

It seems I am probably wrong! I do hope I have not been offensive.

Sorry, ipad sometimes autocorrects to exclamation marks in when I do a comma. I don't know why.

I don't buy this crap about some girls being more mature so ready for sex.

The genuinely mature girls are the ones who know that sex is best kept for those who are emotionally and mentally mature, not just the ones who happen to have periods and some burgeoning hormones.

There is nothing matter about having sex at 13, 14, 15. It is simply a child playing at being an adult.

The really mature ones understand that there is a time in life for childhood, a time for learning and a time for sex and they understand what is appropriate at what age.

matter = mature

mist I absolutely abhor that accusation, that is fucking outrageous and I am actually livid that you would put those words in my mouth. How dare you.

What I said, is that telling a 15 year old to wait because the law says so, is pointless. Because they will have sex if they want to.

Likening that to pedophilia is fucking disgusting.

misspontypine, I think you are talking about some Utopia where young girls never come under malign influences...a controlling boyfriend who coerces her into the stuff he watches on YouPorn, a charming older man, someone who uses her emotional immaturity to push her boundaries (I could go on...)

that's not the real world for many teenagers, I am afraid

there have to be some protective measures in place

they are not perfect, that is for sure...but take them away and many more children will suffer

OP sorry I didn't answer your question!

I see your mum's approach as liberal, rather than feminist or anything else. I grew up with lots of people who had the same "freedoms" as you, and that was definitely a liberal thing. Given that there were dads in the house too, and it was a "thing" that boys & girls were "allowed" to do.

The people I know are happy & fine.. I just don't see it as a "feminist" thing though. more the sort of thing where teh mum skins up and the dad gives you some drink type of thing. Not at 13 though - 15/16.

I can't comment on the equality issue because you haven't explained what the issue is. What is the actual difference between indecent assault and sexual assault? If we are talking about PIV sex, then the crime is rape. Women can't rape men under UK law unless they are participating in a man raping another man. You need to explain the law in more detail if we are to understand how and why the law is different for this age group.

Paedophilia is sexual interest in children that have not yet reached puberty, Alexa. So no, that is not what I am talking about.

OP not offensive at all I know quite a few people with a similar upbringing, it's interesting for conversation, I think. Hope you are OK with the way it has gone though! x

Mist, I don't think that Alexa is making any argument about giving agency to older men having sex with 12-14 year olds.

CPS guidelines

The guidelines state that those who are underage but of similar age who are mutually agreeing to sexual activity are unlikely to be prosecuted.

I'm very happy with the way things went, it felt like the right time and the right person for me.

I thought that maybe the act of giving a young woman the responsibility and right to decide what happens to her own body was why I thought that it was perhaps a feminist issue but I can see that there are issues surrounding possible abuse and grey areas regarding consent.

I don't think a 13 year old is any more or less capable than a 16 year old at putting on condoms. We used to occasionally play with condoms from a young age ( mum's best friend was a sex education teacher) we see how we could break them ( sharp things much better than blowing them up) we learnt to put them on
bananas and our carrots. I appreciate this is unusual.

By advocating ignoring the age of consent, or campaigning for it to be lowered, that is exactly what would happen. So whether or not anyone "means" to give agency to predatory older men (and I don't actually think Alexa is, nor did I say so) the outcome would remain the same.

be very careful what you wish for.

I think countries with a 13 or 14 age of consent often have "age difference" rules too.

Misspontypine, you haven't explained why you wanted to have penetrative sex at 14. With all the condoms around and so on, were you brought up to believe that heterosexual sex is mostly about penetration, and that naturally all heterosexual women will have an urge to be penetrated, and some people have this natural urge earlier than others?

Because that definitely is not feminism.

Agree Freya. I would see a feminist approach to sexual behaviour for teenagers to be:

1. Explaining about heteronormativity
2. Explaining that all kinds of sex are valid sex should not equal PIV
3. That the concept of virginity is a rubbish patriarchial concept
4. And the risks of PIV

Obviously plus all the usual stuff any decent parent should be saying.

Exactly when I totally agree. Responsibility for contraception and having the consequences of unplanned pregnancy fall largely on a girl child in a disproportionate manner is not power.

How is 'no dresses' being a feminist? I realise the thread has been somewhat derailed by the underage sex and FWIW I will encourage my children to keep away from sex until they and their partners are above the age of consent. For some reason my children seem to have a respect for laws and have no desire to take risks of any sort. I think the feminist thing would be to educate your daughter that it's OK to say no and why she might want to say no - also your son, but then I'm all for equal rights and some of the 'feminism' I see on here is anything but that.

I would say that dresses only imit the activities that the dress wearer can do. A dress is not practical at the park, when it is windy, it's harder to climb in a dress. I wouldn't choose to dress my child in clothes that limit them. We have dresses in the dressing up box that both boys and girls can try on but I don't think they are appropriate clothing for when children play.

I now live in a country where the age limit for sex is 15, many young people stay over at their boyfriend/girlfriend's house. Strangely the teenage pregnancy rate is much lower than the UK (I have never seen anyone who looked under 20 who was a mother) and women are on the whole much more respected.

Which country?

Dresses limit climbing and playing far less than some other outfits...like jeans for example.

I don't think not buying you dresses is here or there really.

miss there are different issues on here.
I would agree that the way you have been brought up did have an influence on how empowered you have been feeling and how you handle the situation. I do agree that choosing to have sex with someone the same age is much better than doing it because you feel you ought to (peer pressure and all that).

However, I am sure you will agree that not all children are brought up like this (I am pretty the friend you are referring to wasn't). And that some children are struggling to deal with peer pressure, whether they are 13, 15 or 17yo. They aren't mature enough to take that sort of decisions, don't realize the real consequences etc... You just have to see all the misconceptions teenagers have around sex, pg and STIs.
Hence the need to have some law to protect the youngest ones.

I think it falls down when the male is held accountable for sleeping with an underage girl, when she consented. Because, by the law, she can't consent when under 16, therefore he is guilty.

AOC applies to both males and females.

The law on sex fact sheet

*I don't buy this crap about some girls being more mature so ready for sex.

The genuinely mature girls are the ones who know that sex is best kept for those who are emotionally and mentally mature, not just the ones who happen to have periods and some burgeoning hormones.

There is nothing matter about having sex at 13, 14, 15. It is simply a child playing at being an adult.

The really mature ones understand that there is a time in life for childhood, a time for learning and a time for sex and they understand what is appropriate at what age.*

I'm not sure about that. I lost my virginity when I was 15. I felt ready for it and I didn't regret it then and I don't regret it now. Even looking back now, I still feel that was the right time and that I was ready. Sure, I could have waited three months until I turned 16 but what difference would that have made? I wouldn't suddenly become more mature just because I waited until my 16th birthday. Even a lot of 16 year olds don't feel ready for sex. I think having the AOC be 16 is fne however I think there should be some wriggle room on either side.

And why is it just girls who have to wait? Are boys allowed to do it whenever they want just because sex is seen as some right of passage for males? Not the girls though...the girls have to wait, if they don't then they're stupid