"If you need back up, take your husbnd with you."

[rosabud]

Depressing word for word advice given to a mother who is concerned that her GP isn't taking her concerns over her child's health seriously. Where was this advice.....Woman's Own/The DM?? No - The Guardian Family section on Saturday . To be fair, it wasn't the main advice but, there it was, just slipped in casually. It's insidious, isn't it??

Maybe it was meant as the parents would be able to back each other up in relation to the children's health, as they'd both have full knowledge of the symptoms.

A friend would be there to support the mother, but not necessarily have something to say about the children's health issues.

I don't think this is as bad as it sounds in isolation. I believe that the writer probably simply meant that having someone with you when you see the GP is important and can help. Better yet, if it is your husband - the father of the child.

I think it is entirely sensible advice to say take your husband with you. it is quite different to saying "take a man with you". if the woman was single - it might say "take your Mum with you".

It is depressing, partly because it implies something which is often, infuriatingly true: women are not listened to, but if a man says the same thing, he will be taken seriously.

Though as Greenhill says, it is also true that both parents together can be more effective than just one, whereas a friend might not know as much as the parents do about the child's health.

I think you're reading too much into an innocent few words.

Of course the man should go, why wouldn't he be involved in his child's life?

The real test could be how a doctor responds to a father who brings a child in. Better or worse than if the child's mother were there? If the result is about the same, then maybe it's just an issue of a doctor dealing with someone without medical training. And perhaps it would be worse; the GP would assume that not only did the father not know about medicine, but he wouldn't know much about the kid either.

I can imagine that if both parents were there, the doctor would feel encouraged to take the situation seriously. Because this is a family where they're obviously worried about the child.

What SGB said - mothers are often regarded as neurotic worriers so no point taking any notice. Where as if a man is there too, well, there must be something really wrong.

I read this and in context, it was because the mother was very worried about her son and had been dismissed by the GP once already. The letter is about the woman's son, and the husband that the advisor is talking about is the boy's father. I think the GP sounds, unfortunately, like the sort of dick who may pay more attention to men, or perhaps who needs to be pushed hard to pay any attention to any lay person - but what this question was originally about is a boy who has two involved parents - so if one of them feels like (s)he needs support it makes complete sense to involve the other.

I didn't mind this, because the message is: "the boy has two parents who can support each other while they support him". And that is how it should be.

I know what you are saying, that in context it is not that bad. But suppose it was the father who had written in, can you imagine that the writer would have said, "if you need back up, take your wife with you." It just doesn't sound right.

rosabud was this the article about weight and early puberty from Friday's Guardian?

In light of my earlier comment, I've just had a chance to look at the website. The mother said she was being made to feel like "a neurotic woman" as the doctor had seen her several times and each time had given her a different explanation of her son's advancing symptoms.

At least the doctor had finally given her a referral to a paediatrician and she had a hospital letter confirming an appointment. The columnist herself said she'd asked for a second opinion, but urged her to see the doctor again.

I think this situation is confused by the woman's obvious frustration with a GP not having specialist knowledge (and waiting to see what else happened) but I don't think she was necessarily fobbed off for being a woman. I think GP's are more likely to have a wait and see approach, especially when it concerns NHS funds. But she was blamed for her son's weight gain.

The columnist suggesting she take her husband for back up did stand out on re-reading.

i wouldn't be overly offended by this

the dad is the other parent, it makes sense for him to be involved and having both of them there being insistent could make all the difference,

i haven't read the article though, so not sure if it came across as "you need a man there" rather than "you need some support there"

my dp would be the first person I turned to if I wanted back up in any situation, not because he's a man but because he's my dp!

I took it that both parents would present a united front & be harder to ignore. Maybe "Partner" would have been a better choice of words, unless they'd just said "take someone else with you".

One concerned parent could be considered "neurotic" by the GP, two less so....

from what I know of her AB would never deliberately say something outrightly sexist, am sure it wasn't meant that way

rosabud. I know where you are coming from but please be careful when you say that something that runs counter to sexist mainstream background thought "sounds wrong". remember in this instance, no one said it but you. Do you think it should sound ok? If so, don't be the one to say it sounds wrong.

I've given this advice often (active on SN boards). I hate giving it, because it's sexist advice but when a parent (usually a mother given I'm talking about the MNSN boards) is being fobbed off again and again, there is a chance the doctor is dismissing her because she's a woman. In that case, it's more important to me to help that person solve their problem and if I feel taking her DP in with her will help do that, then I suggest it.

I do usually add a disclaimer! But what do you think would be a better suggestion OP? Suggest they write to the practice manager suggesting the doc is sexist? May be more satisfying advice for me to give, but probably won't solve the problem - will just mean 'strident feminist' is added to the 'neurotic mother' label.

If you can give me another approach that will still ensure the child's needs are met and the parent is listened to, then I will happily offer that up in the future. (not snarky, genuine comment - as I say, it's advice I don't like to give, but I give it because, sadly, it works).

I think it's good advice - if a woman took her DH for backup, then he would be more likely to be listened to. The child would be more likely to get the medical attention needed. I think that is a reality.

But the fact that it is a reality, really sucks.