Is the AlphaParent anti-feminist?

[ifyourehoppyandyouknowit]

Was pondering this earlier. AlphaParent on FB, if you don't know, is a very pro-breastfeeding page. It's sort of hard to describe what they post, but it's mostly links to other articles and then they rip apart formula feeding and people's reasons for it. This grates on me a bit, as while I do think BF is the biological norm and women should be given as much support as they want/need, at the end of the day it's a choice.

There was a link today to an article on '15 Good Reasons for Formula Feeding Every Mom Can Agree On'. Some of the listed reasons included FF helping with their PND, lack of resources to pump at work, having cancer treatments, finding it incompatible with a demanding carer. These got ripped to shred on the AP, posters saying 'well, did you want a career or a baby' and lots of people saying things along the lines of 'how selfish are you for wanting to do anything other than what is best for your baby'. My favourite included someone pointing out that if she could carry on breastfeeding while having a brain tumour removed, then anyone could carry on during their cancer treatment. Obviously.

So does this count as anti-feminist? I just find the tone of the whole thing incredibly judgemental and anti-women. As if, by not breastfeeding, we are somehow failing as women and mothers and if only we had tried harder and not wanted to do anything other than parent and feed then we would have succeeded rather than failed at infant feeding.

I'm feeling a bit grim today, so sorry if this is a bit obtuse. I'm sure I've got a point in there somewhere if someone can help me unpick it?

This week I have been adopting the motto 'everybody fed, nobody dead'.

Glad it's not just me then, the whole AP page just makes me want to throw things at my laptop.

From the child's point of view it is so much better to have a laid back mother, with other interests, than one who thinks she has got it so worked out she is 'alpha' and can write about it and tell everyone else how to do it!

Hasn't the virgin gut thing been totally debunked? Or am I imagining that?

I have noticed a slew of 'stuff on the internet' like this recently. DS is 8 so I'm not in the 'baby space' so much, but I've really noticed this picking up.

Just another stick to keep women in their place, isn't it?

If I can go off on a bit of a tangent, there were some really interesting comments on the Jamie Oliver webchat about him holding up Italian 'poor food' (can't remember the Italian name for it) as some sort of ideal. Posters were talking about their Italian grandparents grinding up acorns to fill their stomachs and how, actually, living like that is not something we should aspire to.

I think there's something similar in the AP arena - women for thousands of years have carried their babies on their backs, sort of thing. Yes, that is true. Yes, for centuries women have managed to bring up children through very difficult circumstances. But recreating those circumstances isn't something I aspire to. Don't make me feel bad for not baby-wearing, and don't pretend that your baby-wearing is an imperative, because it's not, it's a choice. I support your right to make it, of course, but it's not better parenting than someone who chooses something different.

(All fed, no-one dead has been my mantra for, oh, all of those 8 years btw)

It's more of the bullshit that gets peddled around what you should eat or drink when pregnant - it's about blaming women when things go wrong, particularly low-income women, rather than looking at the other and more serious causes of neonatal problems and ill health in children . Which are quite often due to things like inadequate care from a seriously underfunded maternity unit, mothers being inadequately fed and stressed out themselves because of poverty - or, in some cases, men's behaviour (difficult to breastfeed tranquilly when you are living with an abusive man you must placate with sex...)

But the real bottom line is there are no guarantees. You can be the most obedient, paranoid, martyred mother in the world and your child can still suffer or even die (bad genetics, local outbreak of meningitis, car accident, etc) - or turn into a complete little shit who ends up in Broadmoor at the age of 13 (major personality disorder, unknown cause). Or you can be a drug addict with no money and raise a child who grows up to find a cure for cancer...

it's a kind of charm, isn't it, if I do everything right nothing will happen to my child. A vicious circle of anxiety.

I looked into virgin gut Hop and it is extremely over interpreted I think. Which is good - I always found the peddling of that so cruel. It basically say you can never go wrong, ever - if your baby is in NICU and gets tube fed formula while you are ill tough, their gut will never be as good as a fully bf baby. One slip, one bottle of formula when you're truly exhausted and you may as well give up. Only perfection counts. I'd be glad if it were debunked.

Agreed ^^

If being a mother who breastfeeds makes her a superior parent, then I suppose I should get a medal, too.

Funny though that she never talks about her own children.

She must be a blast at playgroups...

I am a sahm who bf & co-sleeps & am rather hurt after reading some of your posts. I enjoy my way of mothering. So now I am martyr because I AP? What absolute BS

blueskies I do all that too. And if we're happy about it, great. But do you consider yourself an Alpha Parent? And if you do, do you actually declare yourself as one to your peers? I think that's the difference.

doesn't matter what you do as long as you don't push it on others, for whom it mightn't suit.

you are not a martyr if you enjoy it. you'd be a martyr if you did't but carried on anyway

I did all that too blueskies. But I didn't set up a website to tell other people to do it my way, or to slag other women off for not doing it the same way.

This is just one quote from a facebook comment on alphawotsit's facebook page:

Almost vomited when I read that a baby has a right to safe food but a mom also has a right to autonomy over her body. IMO, you lose that right when you become a mother (as it pertains to your child). Selfishness and motherhood do not mix well.

How can comments like that not be a) anti-feminist and b) help create the mummy martyr stereotype?

'Everyone fed, no one dead'. I think you know there's a great deal more to parenting than that.

Yes, I forgot 'and earned the money for the roof over our head' but that doesn't scan as well

Yes it is anti-feminist. Women against women which is so sad. Like we haven't got enough to deal with without turning on eachother.

Agreed. I've never subscribed to Alpha Parent. The word unhinged comes to mind. I follow AA on Facebook & find her page must more informative & helpful.

I wouldn't have the bare faced cheek to describe myself as Alpha

Wilson, good for you for 'earning the money' to house your children. Well done, you're a better mother than I. I don't need to justify my decision to be a sahm to you or anyone else.

There's no need to be defensive blueskies earning the money is a necessary part of parenthood too. It is right to acknowledge that, also

of course you don't have to justify your decisions to me blue You would probably be surprised to see how 'traditional' my home set-up is, and as I said I was definitely more on the AP side of the spectrum when DS was newborn.

That's not the point though, the point as I see it is there are lots of facets to parenting and it's only women who spend time and energy defending their parenting choices.

I can absolutely, 100% guarantee that no-one has EVER asked DP how DS was fed as a baby. Or asked him to justify his parenting choices. Or indeed asked him why he 'earns the money'. It's all wummins' work and while we waste our energy picking each other apart, nothing else will change.

I bet they all give thier babies fruit shoots and Pom bears when no one is looking.

• the worst thing about this kind of stuff is the pressure it creates for the woman themselves. I just hope when they face parenting choices in the future they can feel as confident in thier black/white good/back parenting style. Coz when you set your self up for a fall like that its a long way down.

I've been musing. And actually think my stance is hardening a bit.

I think if anyone could link to an AP-style blog or page or whatever where men get similar comments to AlphaParent I'll eat my hat I would perhaps then think 'horses for courses' instead of 'this is anti-feminism'

When men are told not to expect to have a career after having a child
When men are told not to expect autonomy over their body after having a child (note, not even while carrying a child, actually after having one)

Then I'll simply think, hmmm I don't agree with those choices. Until then I will continue to think, nope, this is anti-feminism.

Blueskies - I was reading ap as Alpha Parent rather than AP Attachment Parenting.
I can see your point - most AP parents (me included) are pretty live and let live. They get so much criticism for BF long term or bedsharing or using slings or whatever that they (we) just want to get on with what works for us.
However on boards I'm noticing quite a few who are very judugemental about others ways of oding things and it saddens me, they are as bad, worse, than the ones who use the phrases 'mummy martyr', 'boob Nazi' etc.

This one-upmanship is on the rise- BF, parenting styles, buying choices. Its horribly anti-feminist. Its actually anti-general human kindness.

Most recently I was on the receiving end of a peculiar kind of parent moral superiority. I have one DD and then had two subsequent, very painful and scary miscarriages. Now I understand a miscarriage is relatively common, but one acquaintance airily said, "You really should plan another baby. I've had a miscarriage as well. Its not a big deal."

I was flabbergasted. Miscarriages are on the rise? Or maybe people are talking about it more. Which is very good. But to completely dismiss a traumatic event as "it happens" and worse, give unsolicited advice to get over it...

Women just can't win. There will always be someone on the sidelines picking you apart.

I just hope this acquaintance was an insensitive jerk. Please let this not become a thing among the wider populace.