To try and summarise.. i left my alcoholic and also extremely misogynistic and abusive fiance this summer. I fled everything and am in the horrible position of being back at my parents, in a complete mess, traumatised and with a life to rebuild.
I have tried to keep my head down and just get on with things, but ex's abuse and harrassment still reaches me. I'm waiting to see my DV advisor and will probably have to get an order against him as he's stopping me from moving on.
Ex is continuously spreading vicious lies and rumours about me, inc on public forums such as facebook and a podcast he does. So far i've tried to keep dignity and ignore it all, though it's hard. But it all came to a head last week.
I know Facebook isnt the place for it,but it's all i'm on , apart from Mumsnet. Even then, i did not lower to his depths..and did not mudsling at all . I put (on my status) that i was sick of the lies and having to justify and explain myself all the time.. and felt i was being punishing merely for having left abuse. I did not name him personally, just referred to as my ex. And warned others against him..with good reason..he was harrassing my friends and family right then. That is all i put.
I should explain that when he puts vicious rants about me, there's very few that stick up for me. Most people just ignore..i guess by now, they know what/ who he is. (i have blocked him by the way, but people keep telling me what he's put) Sadly, some people actually support him..enablers..and send him money to live on, as his now slashed benefits all go on booze. He is very charming and charismatic so is very good at pretending to people he's in the right all the time and will make up lies as to why i left..eg i had affairs or whatever...he will tell people i'm mentally ill and lie about abuse (when he himself is mentally ill, and I am not, though i have bad anxiety and depression over all this)
When i put my statuses saying i thought the lies were unfair.and to warn people.. my inbox was flooded. Strangely enough..it was male friends offering sympathy and support. It was some women... who were the opposite. Telling me to take down my statuses as i was doing myself no favours . That i was laying myself too bare and vulnerable (but unlike my ex, id given no specifics about anything)
They said i'd be laying myself open to more attack from him.
I took down all my statuses.
But he's still kicking off at me and spreading muck
I'm angry i should be told to keep quiet and not speak out. Why should i try and protect him ? Pretend it never happened?
I realise FB is not the place..but i wasnt mudslinging, merely warning others that he was harrassing my friends and it could be them next..and not to believe any lies.
So..should i have removed them ? After all, others make a stand for things on FB be it something they're promoting, or something they believe in.
Why shouldn't i promote anti misogny, if i wanted? And be empowered that i left him?
why is it women telling me to keep quiet as it's airing dirty laundry (and i emphasise again..unlike him, i gave NO details)
HOw is me talking about him , letting him win? (that was their accusation) He's stripped me bare, there is nothing more he can take from me.
Why should i pretend DV doesnt happen, so people can go on ignoring it and burying their heads?
I'm not trying to be a victim..I'm a survivor. I'm happy I left. Why are other women warning me to keep quiet?
I would really appreciate views here but please go easy on me! i'm still reeling from what he's put me through and the damage he's still causing.
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions
Is there a time and place to NOT speak up about misogyny and abuse? eg facebook and the like
alltoomuchrightnow · 02/09/2013 18:50
I agree with GetYourSocksOff your focus needs to be on yourself at the moment not other relationships. What you say of this new man could be abusive behaviour. Your radar for spotting that may be a bit off (I don't mean that horribly btw, just that it could be understandable given the messages you are receiving from family and friends). nameequality mentioned the Freedom Programme which could be good for you when this is over or less fraught.
Blaming the victim is all part of taking the focus off men's behaviour. It is also effective in keeping women within abusive relationships, prevents them reporting abuse and generally helps to keep women in their place 
. It is a silencing technique, basically. Just like your friends were trying to silence you when you were speaking out. If women are silenced society doesn't have to do anything about it. Look at the furore when women do speak out - as in the Jimmy Savil case for example. Lots of people victim blaming there. Plenty of people trying to shut women up. Thankfully more and more women are coming forward. Abuse is beginning to look systemic 
.
Good luck with the police tomorrow. It is dreadful that they have done nothing since you reported it. And you are right. It is just another reason why women don't report. They fear not getting treated seriously.
OP I think it's really, really important that you move your focus away from those who have hurt you. I don't mean that the feelings will go away, but you need to stop thinking only about the hurt and anger and start thinking about the steps you need to take next.
'New man' was not new man. He was another step on the road to your freedom. Count your lucky stars that you found out so early on that he is no good for you.
I wonder if you need to make a GP appt? You've gone through so much, it's normal (and healthy!) to be hurt and angry and anxious and a million other things. But you also sound as if you feel a little hopeless and the fact that you're not sleeping properly either makes me wonder if you might be becoming depressed to some degree? If so, it will make things much easier for you to tackle if you can get that treated too. They might also arrange more counselling for you or at least something to help you sleep so that you can start thinking about work again.
Make a plan for today - you cannot spend every day waiting in for the police. Could you aim to get to CAB and the docs today? Or call the police and arrange to go down there yourself?
I'm rooting for you 
Both my ex and 'new guy' were friendly acquaintances i guess you could call them. Ex was supportive to him when his marriage got called off this year, and he thought they'd 'bond' over having lesbian exs. When i started seeing new guy.. ex didnt have proof but suspected, and did something to him. Now NG despises my ex..but also ironically thinks ex might have had a point/ good reason to drink, be so abusive etc..even accused me of having wound my ex up to have done what he did (no, i refuse to talk to him..i'm scared of him!) NG is lashing out as he's so hurt by what my ex has done to him..i'm getting the brunt..he takes it out on me not my ex.. like i said, he grilled a mutual friend of his and my ex's to find out more about mine and ex's relationship...totally inappropriate and disloyal. I was put under the microscope eg 'well you werent entirely blameless' etc.. and that maybe i'd pushed my ex into the abuse somehow. No.. my ex did the same to his ex wife, she fled to a refuge and got a restaining order. Since i've left, my ex has been harrassing several women, not just me. My ex may have had the odd few dry years (very few) but he's been an alcoholic since his teens..i was a small child then..in no way am i ever responsible. He was a journalist and hung out with the likes of Ozzy etc..it went with the territory. I am not taking the blame anymore
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