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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

"But I'm the Stag!"

39 replies

NoPhoto · 05/08/2013 07:36

Am posting this as I have been worrying about my reaction to a situation that happened on Saturday.

I went out with girlfriends into our local market town for drinks. There was a large Stag party there which is unusual. The area is quiet and not known for mad nightlife. The group had obviously had a lot to drink.

The Stag giddily came up next to me, knelt down and said to one of his party "Take my photo with Her". When I asked him why, and told him I didn't want my photo taken, he kept replying "But I'm the Stag"...He would not move away, was kneeling and very much in my face. I did Ask him several times to leave me alone but he refused as "He's the Stag."

I asked a girlfriend sat opposite me to help me out, because I was getting quite bothered by it. My girlfriend refused and said "Well, he is the Stag...have a photo..."

Thing is, he was twenty something. I'm in my forties, not remotely attractive, nothing in common with this man. He was taking the photo to take this piss, simple as. I am frustrated that this man wouldn't leave and my friend didn't back me up. I am just so cross that this man thought it was ok to interrupt my night out, ask me to do something I didn't want to do, and tell me that I have to " because he's the Stag".

It was absolutely ok to want this man to simply piss off, wasn't it?

OP posts:
Bunnylion · 05/08/2013 07:47

You're feeling was absolutely ok. That was very rude of him.

Unfortunately a lot of men do things on stag dos and behave certain ways that they might not any other time. Not to say that there's an excuse for being an arse.

BeerTricksPotter · 05/08/2013 07:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NoPhoto · 05/08/2013 07:53

I ended up standing up and pushing past him to leave and find my other friends. I then went home, he had unsettled me that much by refusing to move away from me.

Gah. I am not a kill-joy, I'm not. I just did not invite the attention from him and I feel strange. And I feel funny that my friend didn't help out after I asked her to back me up.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoPhoto · 05/08/2013 07:55

Ah cross posts. Beer, those were exactly my thoughts. I was not there to provide entertainment for drunken ass hats. See, when it's written like that, it's blindingly obvious.

OP posts:
Ledkr · 05/08/2013 07:55

Disgusting behaviour.
You should have made wanker gesture as the pic was taken.
Shame you describe yourself as "not remotely attractive though" Sad

Numberlock · 05/08/2013 07:56

I'm with you on this. I used to have friends (not 'used to') who thought I was being stroppy when I made it clear such advances were unwelcome! 'Oh go in, he's

AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom · 05/08/2013 07:57

Why should you feel that you have to explain that you aren't a 'kill joy'. As others have said, he had no right to use you as entertainment.

Numberlock · 05/08/2013 07:58

I'm with you on this. I used to have friends (not 'used to') who thought I was being stroppy when I made it clear such advances were unwelcome! 'Oh go on, he's only being friendly'.

Makes me livid. Good for you for sticking to your principles and sorry it ruined your night.

Titsalinabumsquash · 05/08/2013 08:00

You are right in feeling that he was being an idiotic, drunken lout. I'm sorry you felt so unnerved and shocked I that your friend didn't stand up for you, I would have for one of my friends!

I don't think it's a feminist thing though, sadly it's seems as soon as the word stag/hen becomes part of a celebration people feel the need to drink more and act like animals regardless of gender even if it impacts people around them. Angry

MagzFarqharson · 05/08/2013 08:01

I think you were more than reasonable in that situation. I would've decked the fucker. Also think your friend could do with a chat about acceptable boundaries, yours if not hers.

Sorry your night was ruined by a pissed-up twat.

AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom · 05/08/2013 08:05

Tits - I agree. I've seem women harassing men gathering 'kisses' or similar on hen challenges. However, I guess that there may well be a difference in the physical intimidation a woman feels against a group of lads as opposed to the reverse.

Bunnylion · 05/08/2013 08:05

A real shame. His ugly display of male camaraderie, showing you and your female friends their entitlement to your time and personal space, has clearly made you feel vulnerable and insecure. You've now questioned your own "attractiveness" to young drunk men when you were just out enjoying the company of your friends.

It doesn't sound like he was the type of person who should ever make you question yourself or your own qualities. Don't let people like that rock you, you sound far more intelligent, considerate and attractive than that idiot.

BeerTricksPotter · 05/08/2013 08:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NoPhoto · 05/08/2013 08:10

Ledkr, It was a poor turn of phrase when describing myself. In fact, reading that back I shouldn't have to defend my feelings by describing how I may present to other people. I guess I was trying to say that I knew that he was asking for the photo in order to ridicule the situation the next day, rather than "Oh, that lady looks so lovely and friendly, I must have my picture taken with her" IYSWIM.

As I get older, these sort of situations become so clear to me and I won't tolerate them. I think I feel more anxious about the fact I know my friends thought I over reacted.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 05/08/2013 08:18

Women are taught from very early on to go along with things - "Oh go on, he's only trying to hug you," "come here and give me a kiss, oh go on, etc etc." The message we're very strongly sent is that we must be polite and do as we're asked but then if things get hairy we must fight and kick and scream or we "asked for it." Your instincts were spot on. You had every right to say no and there was absolutely no reason to say yes. Your friends felt you weren't playing your part as a woman because you weren't "joining the fun" and allowing a man to get his kicks.

Lizzabadger · 05/08/2013 08:20

What a wanker. I feel sorry for his wife-to-be. You did the right thing walking away. Shame your friend wasn't supportive. I used to get this sort of thing a lot - it's horrible.

RippingYarns · 05/08/2013 08:37

NoPhoto, you were dead right to refuse to have your picture taken.

I'd like you to stop telling yourself they chose you because of your looks, though. You sound to me as if you have some fabulous values about yourself, don't let a drunken spoilt brat set seeds of doubt.

When faced with someone who challenges their stupid self-entitled asshattedness, the only thing that person can do is to feel even more entitled and display it. Like a peacock but instead of beautiful feathers with a halo of cocks :(

Original poster
NoPhoto · 05/08/2013 08:49

Thanks everyone for validating my feelings about this situation. I'll put it out of my mind now.

It's strange when situations are so transparent to one person, yet perceived so differently to another. My mum, who was the clearest thinker in the world, died last year and I don't have anyone to bounce these worries off anymore. Thanks all.

OP posts:
RaspberrySnowCone · 05/08/2013 08:54

What is it with hen/stag do's that make people act like such utter morons?

I would feel the same OP, your friend should have stuck up for you. Don't feel bad!

lottiegarbanzo · 05/08/2013 08:54

I suspect your friend didn't perceive it as mocking, as you did, rather as him seeing you as attractive, or even just as him taking a 'photo of record' of the occasion and people around.

It sounds as though he was very much in the 'you're all my best friends and I love you' stage of drunkenness, when it's easy to perceive everyone around as lovely and part of your party experience, forgetting that they're not as drunk or there for the same reason.

Arf at 'just being friendly', sounds very much like an over-friendly dog!

Lizzabadger · 05/08/2013 08:56

No Lottie - they do this sort of thing to mock.

BeerTricksPotter · 05/08/2013 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheDoctrineOfAllan · 05/08/2013 09:26

He killed your joy, OP, not the other way round. He probably staggered off and badgered someone else whilst you were upset and went home.

If he gave a shit about you as a person rather that an adjunct to his entertainment, he'd've asked nicely and taken no for an answer.

kim147 · 05/08/2013 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OctopusPete8 · 05/08/2013 12:53

On my hen do, much older stag party took my headress/sash dragged me onto the dancefloor!! I'm beckoning my friends to save ,come with me they just stood laughing at my discomfort with 2 blokes twirling me round, and the stag glazed over dancing with all my stuff on....One of my mates was getting every passing bloke to kiss me on the cheek 'or good luck' gah!

what a world we live in lol, but yeah if you were obvs uncomfortable I would expect you're friend to step in/distract.