Help me support my daughter

[Spottytin]

My lovely, intelligent daughter is in her early 20's. She is tall, physically well built and has a large chest. Since she was young she has endured comments from strangers ( all men, funnily enough) who feel it is perfectly acceptable to speak about her body both to her face and to others.

I've done my best to keep her self esteem up through out this but to be honest am at a loss as to how to advise her further. This is prompted by a text she sent me yesterday in which she was terribly upset after challenging a random man who had called her a 'fat slag' whilst she was running down the road. I'm proud that she challenged him; she just got more abuse.

How can it be ok that she feels cowed and intimidated by these people? Who the hell ARE these people?

And more importantly, how do I continue to support her with this?

Oh your poor DD, how upsetting and intimidating for her. Have you heard of the projects Hollaback! and Everyday Sexism? Writing her story(ies) for them might help and getting feedback from people who have had similar happen.

From your perspective I think validating her feelings is essential. Also perhaps take the focus away from her body when you are with her and more on to what she is achieving and doing? Does she do any sport - you said she was running? Perhaps a team sport with other women?

And it is isn't OK that this is happening to her. It gives me the rage and I don't know her so I can imagine how you feel. It is a sense of entitlement that these men have that they think they can do this to women (and it is in the vast majority of cases women) and it is disgusting. It is no coincidence that it is mainly men that do this and mainly women who are victims. The culture we live in objectifies women and promotes the sense of entitlement in men that they are the centre of attention and specifically women's attention should be focused on them.

This is not ok at all.

scallops is totally right.

She is also entitled to report these things, btw - practically, sometimes it's not sensible, but if for example she gets a comment from someone in a work uniform, driving a work car, etc., she could certainly email (email is easier as less scary to write) and complain. There are some companies who won't care, but many will actually have sanctions in place, and even if their reply is quite a bland 'thanks for your complaint', you can always hope the bloke in question has been dumped in the shit.

On a less idealistic note, I have usually found that men like this get security from assuming women are cowed. A nice angry glower and a muttered 'fuck you' can work quite well, though depressingly, you only want to do that when you know you're moving swiftly on past them and won't have to stand and be harrassed.

I'm so sorry she's experiencing this.

Hi Spottytin. Your poor DD. I agree with what has already been said about entitlement - this is what is going on with the misogynistic men who harass your DD. They think they are entitled to address her despite being random strangers on the street. There is also a certain type of man who will enjoy making a younger woman feel self conscious. I hate this sort of crap.

Can you talk to her about feminism (perhaps you do already)? Feminism will help your DD to feel less alone with this but will not dismiss her feelings. The sort of thing she is experiencing is upsetting and anger making but impossible to avoid and difficult to react to (must keep safe) and that makes it very frustrating. It is street harassment and all women understand what it is because we are all subjected to it. The hollaback! project that has already been mentioned is good.

Unfortunately we live in a society where men think that women are public property and that we do not have the right to go about our business without being reminded of that. What your DD is experiencing is political and it may help to name it in those terms.

Street harassment is a form of sexual objectification.

I agree with what others have already said. I agree about teaching her about feminism - if she isn't already interested. Seeing this behaviour in its wider societal context may help her to feel less personally targeted and recognise it as part of a larger pattern. It's women like her who need to be the next generation of change

I used to get a bit of this when younger. I'd also recommend, for purely personal satisfaction rather because she ought to, perfecting her withering 'you are the lowest form of life and I wouldn't scrape you off my shoe' look. It is amazing how disconcerted men like this feel when they receive no reaction except withering contempt. They want to embarrass, shame and scare when they do this.

Yes, yes to taking down plates on commercial vehicles and reporting to the company involved. I know many who would give people behaving this way an utter, utter bollocking including potentially serious warnings and loss of bonus.

Thank you for this!

We have discussed this in relation to feminism and I think whilst intellectually she can see where the comments stem from, on a more personal level it's hurtful.

And this is where I stumble, as I can intellectualise it, and put it in a political perspective, but there are times when I just think, how nasty and horrible. She asks why do they do it, and it's difficult to reassure her it's not personal!

Am thinking of encouraging her to get involved with the Hollaback! Project, it looks really interesting.

I think the men who do this deliberately make their calls personal to the woman they are shouting at. So it's not surprising your daughter thinks it is personal even if she can rationally accept that these men would shout it any woman who match their criteria or just change their calls to fit any woman.

Part of the issue is that she is the loss of control when this happens. She gets no warning; she is minding her own business and they invade her space; there is no real recourse for the men doing this. It is incredibly frustrating and disempowering and as a result difficult to manage and difficult to take back control. As she has discovered any type of retort will just end up with more abuse. It is hateful.

I am sure that having someone to talk to who validates her feelings and her reactions will help though.

You can't control what these idiots do or think, but you can (in time I believe) control your own reaction to it and choose what that reaction will be, whether it is to ignore or confront, whether to be intimidated or understand how pathetic these creatures are. Don't know if it that helps OP?

In my case I chose anger and scorn.

That led me to challenging it on every occasion when I felt I was not under physical threat. I have done the holding up a pervert's arm when I was groped in the tube. I have turned round and marched back to wankers and confronted them. I have, on two occasions slapped a wanker's face. The most satisfying was pouring a hot cup of coffee through a van window onto the lap of a wanker.

My response may not be for every woman and only your daughter can decide how she copes with it but it worked for me. I absolutely refused to be intimidated by creeps. I cultivated a mental picture of the wankers as small babies. The minute their nappy comes off they reached down to their todger. Hold that thought OP. Catcallers are simply reacting the same way but decades on.

I must add that the joy of being an old gimmer now is that I am completely invisible and my personal space is now my own. Bliss.