Feeling a bit let down by 'the sisterhood'

[Hopingitwillallbefine]

I am a new(ish) mum to a dd (11 months) and have just returned to work full time. This was not a decision I took lightly but made for a number of reasons, including the fact that we really need the money for a deposit for a new house and I love my job and have worked hard to get where I am, and would like to continue to progress in my career. My DH also works full time. We are fortunate enough to have reasonable working hours (him 9-5, me 8-4) which mean that between us we are at home with dd until about 8.15am in the morning and from 5pm in the evening. Between 8.30 and 5pm dd is at nursery. We chose her nursery because we loved it immediately and continue to be impressed and happy with the quality and standard of care it offers. Dd LOVES nursery, has made a great bond with her keyworker and seems to have such lovely, fun and full days.

Apologies for the boring details of our life - all pretty normal stuff. However the reason for my post and what has really upset me/pissed me off in the past few months has been the attitudes of other women towards the decisions we have made as a family about working hours and childcare arrangements. I have lost count of the occasions that I have been met with undisguised horror, disgust or pity when I've told female friends or colleagues I am back at work full time. Not all of them, but enough to make me feel like a dreadful mother. Responses like "is there nothing you can economise on so that you can drop a day or two?" Or "god you poor thing, that must be miserable". Even my manager has asked me if i want to consider going part time now I am a mum. Similarly, I have been treated to a variety of unhelpful and at times offensive remarks from friends and colleagues about our decision to use a nursery including suggestions that we are risking our dd developing attachment disorder or questions like "is there no way your family could help?" (No), "wouldn't you at least prefer a childminder?" (No), "have you thought about how damaging it could be if your dd's keyworker left?" Etc etc.

These comments are so frequent that I now have a pre-prepared mini speech when people ask about work or childcare to try and head off all the criticisms and 'helpful suggestions'. What annoys me is the implicit assumption that obviously I am only back at work FT out of absolute necessity and that if there were any alternatives at all I would of course be working part time or not at all as all good mothers should - and to admit that I have chosen to return full time partly because I still give a toss about my career and enjoy being at work is tantamount to declaring that I couldn't care less about my dd. Further, I wouldn't dream of questioning another woman's childcare choices and have been really upset and surprised by how many women seem to think that nursery is virtual child abuse and it is their responsibility to educate me on the reasons why. But finally, and the reason for my post in this section of MN is that all of this, without exception has come from other women. Not one man has made me feel bad about my choices or questioned them in any way. Similarly, my husband, who earns exactly the same as me, has never been made to feel bad about being at work FT. Nobody has ever suggested that he might want to go part time now we have a child.

So I just feel a bit let down by women at the moment. I know it is impossible to 'have it all' and I'm not pretending otherwise, but I would like to continue to pursue my career while providing as much care, love and attention to my dd as I can. I love her more than I knew possible and love spending time with her. I feel genuinely excited every day when I go to pick her up and we have a lovely two hours together every evening after work when I am totally and utterly focused on her. We have lovely weekends as a family and spending time together having fun is so important to me. But I also love being at work and enjoy my day and feel so fulfilled by it. Shouldn't other women be supporting me and encouraging me, isn't this equality and freedom what we have fought for for years?

[teetering13]

For chubs benefit (who doesn't realise babies sleep :/ )

"I feel genuinely excited every day when I go to pick her up and we have a lovely two hours together every evening after work"

[AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom]

I think you will find she sees her in the morning too. and possibly durimg the night. Not that parenting is a tally of hours.

[Chubfuddler]

She quite clearly meant two hours of 1 on 1 playing.

I doubt the op puts her baby in the dustbin for the night, so clearly she is there on hand for hours upon end looking after her.

TBH you've just come on this thread to be a bit of a twat. You're not saying anything original, do cock off.

[teetering13]

How rude .. I have come on here to give my opinion ... which is the same, over 8 hours in care each day is too much for a baby

:)

[AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom]

Since you are the expert, how much is ok?

[Chubfuddler]

She doesn't care about your opinion. As you well know.

It's my opinion that spending hours strapped into a buggy while their mothers stand about smoking in the shopping centre is a bit shit for a lot of the babies I see in town. Sha I march up and tell them? I don't expect it to go down well if I do.

[StealthPolarBear]

OP I started a sarcastic thread a month or so ago entitled "women have their little careers until they have a baby. Then they leave work or massively reduce their hours"
Because that's sometimes how it seems to me. The concept of a woman wanting to work because she wants to work is utterly alien. DH has no such struggle. He works because...well...that's what men do.

[LRDLearningDomHome]

teetering, no one minds you giving an opinion, of course. I do too, and everyone knows I don't have the knowledge the parents on this thread do. All you and I can do is be supportive. I think this is the problem. If you read your posts back, you will probably be a bit ashamed at how you came across.

I hope the OP is ok.

[teetering13]

You think a parent pushing a child in a buggy is a problem? lol

[teetering13]

I am direct LRD .. I am like this and not ashamed .. should I be meeker, will you be able to handle that better?

[CaptChaos]

Over 8 hours in care is just fine for a baby if that care is professional and the OP's DD is happy, which she is. The OP and her DH are happy with the care their DD gets and are happy with their work-life balance. What the OP seems unhappy about is people hitching their judgy pants so far up their arses that they cut off the blood supply to their brains, leaving them capable of making such ridiculous comments as outlined in the OP, or that they are in some way wrong for making their well thought out choices.

Further, the OP is asking for opinions about whether the 'sisterhood' should wind it's collective necks in and, instead of trying to make her feel bad about her choices, attempt to validate and support her.

I don't really know about any sisterhood to be honest. I do think that if people feel the need to ask you ridiculous and outrageous questions, or make equally fatuous comments, then either asking them whether they would ask your DH the same thing or just asking if they really meant to be so rude are probably your best bet. If you are doing what's right for you and your family, then you are doing what's right, and no-one really has any right to question your well thought out decisions.

[AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom]

Teetering - Yup, you've just proved exactly what I thought. Four hours a day. Take off a wee bit of travel and drop off and you're basically saying you could get away with a job which lasts a max of three hours a day. Unless by part time you also mean not every day.

So that means that, in any couple, pretty much one of them has to give up their career in your book. And guess which parent it is going to be 99 times out of 100.

So, I think the OP can safely shelve your opinion under 'no one gets to have a career and kids' and ignore you.

By the way, I think your last comment is incredibly, incredibly offensive. Offensive and abject rubbish. So untrue and rude.

[LRDLearningDomHome]

Oh, I'm direct too.

Was I not plain enough?

The OP is entitled to choose what is best for her and her baby. And I applaud her for it.

Do you need me to put it in simpler words, or did that get through this time?

[JulieMumsnet]

Just to remind you of our rather splendid and USEFUL talk guidelines

MNHQ.

[Phineyj]

OP, I had a work colleague who used to deal with this sort of thing by making a joke about it and saying 'gosh I hardly ever see my children but it's okay because nursery send me photographs!' People would be so surprised it would close the conversation down. She didn't say it defensively. She didn't have any family nearby so she had no choice about using full time nursery if she wanted to keep the job she was in. It does annoy me when people make these judgements yet they have family willing to do large amounts of childcare.

The nursery my colleague's DC went to was fabulous. It became a huge part of their lives and a great support to her as a mum. I suppose in a way it took the place of the informal family support that wasn't available to her.

[teetering13]

It makes perfect sense for one parent to go part time, I wouldn't assume it should be the Mum though

[Chubfuddler]

It might make perfect sense to you. It doesn't to everyone or in every circumstance.

[garlicnutty]

I really wouldn't have commented on this any further, but I seem to be magnetically drawn to goady threads atm. Not suggesting you're goady, OP! Just some of your correspondents

I would like to point out that aristocrats and billionaires have put their children in full-time childcare from birth to university. It doesn't seem to have hindered their prospects.

[higgle]

OP, I went back to work more than full time when each of my sons was 8 weeks old. They are now more or less grown up and are lovely well balanced young people. DS1 went to Oxford and now has an exciting career in London, DS2 is off to a Russell Group Uni this year. We are very close. We had a nanny ( same one for 11 years, then she was our childminder for another 4) who is now an honorary family member. I wouldn't have had it any other way. Your DD will be just fine, and no doubt have a great work ethic too.

[teetering13]

garlicnutty .. are you saying people with money are just better than poor people, so if they put their offspring in care it must be the best way? lol

[AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom]

It makes perfect sense for one parent to go part time? In three hours a day?

The OP is happy to be full time, but if you know of a wealth of interesting, challenging, engaging, decently paid, part time jobs that are three hours a day, do enlighten us, because I think that there would be quite a take up.

[AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom]

OP- Sorry, this discussion has gone way off track, but it does seem to be perfectly illustrating my initial post.

A mother's place is in the wrong. So since you can't win, you might as well ignore everyone else.