Minor Sexism? I wanted to buy the tea...

[Slumberparty]

Not sure what to call this type of sexism as it seems very petty and minor, but annoyed me all the same...

At work the other day in the canteen a male colleague paid for my cup of tea. The next day in the canteen I tried to pay for the teas as it was my turn, but he refused to allow me to do so and payed again for mine and his. He said "I never let a woman buy me a drink, I'm old fashioned like that." I kind of said in a jokey manner 'yes, or sexist' but he laughed and I laughed, and I walked away annoyed at myself and him.

It's such a small thing but has me annoyed. It's patronising. But also, what's so bad with a woman buying him a drink? Why doesn't he like it? What does that say about how he views women if he can't allow them to buy him a drink?

I don't feel like I could complain about it really as it makes me seem ungrateful. (But then I suppose I am ungrateful really as I wanted to pay for the teas as it was my turn!)

Am I over analysing?!! (I strongly suspect most answers will be yes!)

If he wants to play alpha male next time make him get cakes too.

But seriously, there is a problem when you feel an unequal balance of power, (I also feel this when friends with better funds buy me treats that I can't reciprocate). Is he an older man?

Amongst peers, if one person does a favour or gives something to another, but refuses to let the other person return the favour, even in a small way, it's very rude in my mind. It puts the recipient in the position of feeling "obliged" towards the giver. Your colleague decided that sticking to a personal code of behaviour, rooted in historical male privilege, even though he knew this put you in an uncomfortable position. Thing is, I am sure he didn't "intend" to upset you and would probably be completely baffled that such a "trivial" episode would upset you, and actually you should feel happy that he has "treated you like a lady." That's because he's been conditioned to believe that women are/should be grateful for men's generosity, attention, etc. and if they feel unhappy about this, they are being unreasonable and ungrateful.

I'd suggest if you end up in the canteen with him again and he asks what you want to drink, request only a glass of water. Go up and get your own tea later on. It will make the point. Chances are, he won't "get" the point and will just be thinking you are being arsey, but that's his problem - the fact he probably sees women who don't enjoy "gentlemanly treatment" as being arsey. But, at least you won't feel obliged or disempowered.

Good response with the "yes, or sexist", OP!

Next time tell him, before you order the tea, that you will pay for both or you will buy your own, as 'If a man buys me a drink more than once although I would make an exception for John Hamm' it is my custom to knee him in the balls.

I think I'd call him on it next time he offers to buy the drinks. "Sorry, no, I don't think it's right that you always get them, so if you won't let me reciprocate we'll have to get our own".

The truly polite thing to do, after all, is the thing that puts the other person at ease. I think the apparently chivalrous intent of always picking up the bill would be from an age where women didn't have enough money to go halfers. Thus courtesy dictated the man should pay so the woman didn't have to feel bad about not being able to reciprocate.

This is one where you can kill him with kindness (so to speak). I don't think he means any harm at all, but he wants you to conform to a particular way of behaving instead of considering your feelings - which is why it's got your goat.

Yes he's an older man.

KRITIQ you hit the nail on the head there - I'm sure he doesn't intend to upset me and thinks he is being really 'gentlemanly'. It's the expectation of gratitude that is being forced upon me that I don't like.

Fallenangle I like that response!

Yes, if there is a next time I will tell him beforehand that I will get the tea, and be offended if he doesn't accept! If it continues I will make a point of not accepting, and just buying my own.

What KRITIQ says in the first paragraph. But I'd probably not be so subtle and do what the second paragraph says. I'd probably go and read the first paragraph to him. Tell him that in case he hasn't noticed you are on equal footing as him and can afford to buy your own tea.

Perhaps this - "I never let a woman buy a drink", "well i never take advantage of the elderly"

It's the "let" though. Anything suggesting that I need anyone's permission to do anything will instantly put me in a rage ...

I think it made me uncomfortable because "I never let a woman buy me a drink" implies that he would be embarrassed, or humiliated if a little woman had to spent her pennies on a drink for him 'The Man'. That's what annoyed me most. Like I'm not his equal.

Whowhatwhere - that's an excellent response!