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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

A vent re Mr and Mrs

41 replies

BlingLoving · 25/02/2013 14:01

I can't help it, every time a friend gets married and immediately puts up a status or picture with something along lines of, "introducing Mr and Mrs dhname" or , "so happy to be Mrs DhName" I cringe inwardly.

I know that's its a choice the bulk of the population are happy with but I don't get it. I don't understand the PRIDE they feel in calling themselves Mrs DhNane so damn quick.

There have been a few on fb recently and I can't say anything there but it really gets me down.

And yes, I know loads of people on here will think I am a crazy offensive feminist but am hoping that by putting it in here there will be fewer. I really really needed to rant.

OP posts:

OnwardBound · 25/02/2013 22:36

I also hate how women are asked to identify their marital status via differentiating between Miss and Mrs?

Why?

I always put Ms down on forms because I feel it is both irrelevant, insulting and intrusive to ask me to define myself by my marital status.

I have also combined my original surname with my husband's as I wanted to express something about myself as being an individual but also joined in marriage.

Agree that women becoming Mrs Husband's Surname seem a little sad and antiquated.. well just my opinion anyway.

OnwardBound · 25/02/2013 22:38

Sorry, my opening sentence wasn't meant to be a question, rather a statement

LadyWidmerpool · 25/02/2013 22:55

I don't see how using my husband's name is more patriarchal than using my father's TBH.

I felt taking my husband's name was good enough for my mum and MIL, both strong women who have achieved plenty in their lives and careers, and it was good enough for me. Good luck to everyone in their own choices.

StephaniePowers · 26/02/2013 11:51

It's not your father's, it's yours: whatever the original intent was in naming you. It's your name.

It's like people who refuse to get married because in historical times, marriage was like trading goods. It's not like that now (well except in cultures where it is ) so I never really understand that argument.

Sunnywithshowers · 26/02/2013 12:16

I've kept the name I inherited from my father because I'd had it for over 30 years when I married. I like it, in combination with my first name it's unusual, and it suits me.

I really freaked out in the run up to our wedding, because for some reason I thought DH would want me to take his name and I wasn't prepared to do so. So I talked with him and he said I could call myself whatever I liked, he didn't care if we shared a surname.

We get the odd Christmas card from relatives (like my dad, who does not listen when I tell him I've kept my name) who call us Mr and Mrs HName. It's annoying, but not hugely so.

I'm glad to have had the choice. My DSis has taken her husband's name which was also her choice.

NotGoodNotBad · 26/02/2013 12:21

Incidentally, in this age of the internet I've had a number of old friends contact me, who I had lost touch with before marriage. They would never know to search online for "NotGood DHName", and if they did it's so common they would never find me anyway.

MrRected · 26/02/2013 12:21

I was delighted to get rid of my "maiden name". Never gave it a second thought. I am happy to be referred to as Mrs xx or if letters are addressed to mr & mrs - it really doesn't mean enough to me to worry about it.

Totally respect the opposite viewpoint though.

sashh · 27/02/2013 05:42

I struggle to understand why people want to change their name

My mum had an unusual surname and constantly had to spell it to everyone.

Her married name is in the top 5 most common names in the country.

She actually broke up with a guy because she didn't like his surname.

NotGoodNotBad · 27/02/2013 08:54

I have an unusual surname and am constantly spelling it. DH has a common, boring old name. Why would I want a boring name?

FrauMoose · 27/02/2013 09:22

I don't particularly understand why people get married, unless there are particular issues around children, property and inheritance which makes marriage a sensible option. I married for the above reasons, and am very happy. However I don't think the marriage made me a different person - it was a confirmation of something that had been going on already and which gave me a framework for being myself. I don't like the consumerfest around modern weddings, and the namechange also seems like a way of fooling yourself. ('I'm going to be a different person now' 'No, you are who you always were, it's just that you are trying to make a big and difficult commitment to someone else as well.') I change my name from my birth name in my early twenties and didn't change it again when I got married. (Hate those 'Mr and Mrs' cards, though they are normally from an older generation in my case.)

NotGoodNotBad · 27/02/2013 09:37

Oh, and I think the "I changed my name to DH's because I didn't like it anyway" argument is a complete red herring. After all, how many men change their name to their wives because it is ugly or difficult to spell, or reminds them of their awful parents? Pretty much none!

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 27/02/2013 09:56

It's completely disingenuous to pretend that a man changing his surname is loaded in exactly the same way as a woman doing the same thing. People do what is easy for them and a woman wanting to dump a surname has a very easy non controversial way of doing it in a way that a man just hasn't got. Ditto an unmarried/unattached woman. My mum's friend has a dd who changed her surname years ago (don't know why) and whenever my mum mentions it she always mentions the name change. "You know Karen's dd, Lisa, the one who changed her name." etc. People don't like to say to their family that they hate their name because its bloody awful or they don't like their Dad or they don't like being part of their family. It's very socially awkward so to do it the pros need to outweigh the cons and they usually don't.

VikingLady · 27/02/2013 10:38

It is actually surprisingly difficult for a man to change his surname upon marriage - certainly in the part of the NE where DH and I live. We both went double barrelled, with my name last (an aesthetic decision). No problem for me, the bank etc were all fine with it. DH on the other hand........

The bank (Lloyds TSB) had to fetch their branch manager to deal with it, and she said they didn't have any forms to deal with this, didn't know the procedure, and did it matter to him that his account had the right name? He pointed out it would be the same procedure as for a woman and it was all sorted out, but surely he can't be the only man in town to do this?

A lot of comments about how I must be a ball breaker though

He says he is man enuogh not to care what other men think of him. I get grief for it though.

VikingLady · 27/02/2013 10:40

Oh, and I do comment on it to married/engaged friends. I keep it light, but I do ask in a "jokey" way if they are handing their bank accounts over too, along with their right to vote.... A lot of them don't know where the name change comes from (being identified with your husband's estate, servants would take his name too).

NotGoodNotBad · 27/02/2013 11:08

VikingLady

"He says he is man enuogh not to care what other men think of him."

Excellent.

Kendodd · 27/02/2013 11:47

but surely he can't be the only man in town to do this?

He might be!

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