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Original poster

A vent re Mr and Mrs

41 replies

BlingLoving · 25/02/2013 14:01

I can't help it, every time a friend gets married and immediately puts up a status or picture with something along lines of, "introducing Mr and Mrs dhname" or , "so happy to be Mrs DhName" I cringe inwardly.

I know that's its a choice the bulk of the population are happy with but I don't get it. I don't understand the PRIDE they feel in calling themselves Mrs DhNane so damn quick.

There have been a few on fb recently and I can't say anything there but it really gets me down.

And yes, I know loads of people on here will think I am a crazy offensive feminist but am hoping that by putting it in here there will be fewer. I really really needed to rant.

OP posts:
scaevola · 25/02/2013 14:07

Well at least they're telling people clearly what name they are using now.

If someone wants to change names on marriage they can. It's up to them.

And yes, people usually sound happy in the honeymoon period immediately after their wedding.

MerryMingeWhingesAgain · 25/02/2013 14:07

Not crazy Smile but people who have just got married are just feeling very happy they got married IMHO.

I would have quite happily kept my original name except it is an absolute arse to spell, and my dad is the toxic kind of parent, so I was quite happy to choose to take DH's name instead of my dad's. And I was married before I gave in to FB so I have never had an FB account in my maiden name

bridgetsmum · 25/02/2013 14:10

The whole point is that it is a CHOICE!! You should be celebrating the fact that women are free to choose to take their dh's name and it is not forced on them.

Maebe · 25/02/2013 14:14

I'm with you, bling. I struggle to understand why people want to change their name - my name is my name, if I changed surname I would feel like a different person. Why change a name that you have had for your whole life? Why does committing to marriage with someone make you, effectively, a different person?

I do sort of understand people wanting to have the same name as your child/ren, but I don't have the same name as my DC and I don't feel anything about that, as her name is her name and it doesn't matter to me whether it is related to mine. Her name is part of her own unique identity.

But I have come to the conclusion after a few years on MN that I am in a serious minority and apparently a rather weird one to some people for thinking like that Grin

specialsubject · 25/02/2013 14:16

I didn't change my name, but if people want to do so, fine by me. These are people who are really happy.

why should people being happy get you down, just because their (harmless) choices are different from yours?

Original poster
BlingLoving · 25/02/2013 14:28

I know it's a choice but honestly, v few people seem to really think about it. And when they do they still roll out their name with such pride, like changing their name is such an accomplishment.

And I'm not buying the "why keep my fathers name" argument for a second. Wherever you got your name originally,, it's still yours now and, perhaps more importantly when you were born you got no say, now you do.

OP posts:
IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 25/02/2013 14:36

A lot of people do think about it but there is an assumption that if you change your name then you haven't thought about it, as if the only considered decision is to keep your name. I am bisexual, my maiden name is Dyke I seriously didn't have think about it very hard but I did think about it. Twelve years without a Dyke joke and I do not regret it one jot. (Dyke by name, Dyke by nature - thankyou very much Roger Hargreaves)

Saying "so happy to be Mrs DhName" is just shorthand for I'm so happy to be married to DH, which seems appropriate for newlyweds.

doyouwantfrieswiththat · 25/02/2013 14:39

I'm a bit ambivalent about marriage but I like the idea of having an excuse to change my name, I would reinvent myself as Fries Newname.

Kendodd · 25/02/2013 14:42

Ithinkofhappy, can I ask you why you didn't change your name before you married?

ArmyOfPenguins · 25/02/2013 14:42

So many men laugh or get cross at the suggestion that they could change their name to their wife's. Why is that?

If it's only a name, and oh so trivial really.

Call it a choice if you like, but the fact that it's nearly always the woman changing her name makes it look rather unlike a choice.

JudithOfThePeace · 25/02/2013 14:43

You don't 'buy' the father's name argument? That's a very sweeping statement. Personally, I always hated the fact that I had my father's name because I've met him only once and my DM only continued to use his name because she felt society expected her and her daughter to have her husband's name. I always felt that his name was forced upon me and not about me at all.

I chose to take my DH's name in marriage because I wanted to us to share a name and I sure as hell didn't want mine. It is exactly because I do have a say now that I don't want my father's name.

JudithOfThePeace · 25/02/2013 14:46

Ken - only read your post after I posted mine. I just wanted to say that, had I not married DH quite young, I would have changed my surname. But we have been married for 12 years now and I'm happy with our shared name!

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 25/02/2013 14:47

kendodd. I honestly don't know. Possibly because it would have pissed off my Dad who was very ill for a number of years and by the time he died I was engaged so I could take the easy option of taking DHs. Fuck knows why my mum took it, her maiden name is really nice.

THERhubarb · 25/02/2013 14:51

There are a couple of people who, every single sodding Christmas, send dh and I a card addressed to "Mr + Mrs dh's full name." I wouldn't care but one of these people is MY sodding friend!

Dh's sister never took her husband's name in marriage so even though I have taken his name (what name do you give the kids?) I feel sufficiently emboldened to still use my maiden name. Hence my Facebook is in my maiden name as is my business. It's how my friends all knew me and know me still. I am a person in my own right and my name is part of my identity, it's who I am.

Dh wouldn't consider changing his name, so why should I keep using his. I'm Mrs xxx for legal purposes only and when dealing with the children. At all other times I am just me. No title. Just my name.

I hope my dd feels similarly emboldened and if ds marries someone who wants to keep her maiden name, she will have my full support.

ArtexMonkey · 25/02/2013 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JuliaScurr · 25/02/2013 15:11

yanbu

The only other time I've heard of names being changed was eg Gosford Park, when srvants were called by the name of their employer, and USA civil rights when eg Malcolm X & Cassius Clay refused to use his slave name. I have a friend who uses an initial last name for that reason.

This tells us that the subordinate takes the name of the superior - not a cool scene imo

Maebe · 25/02/2013 15:11

THERhubarb - you give them any surname you like!

bridgetsmum · 25/02/2013 15:29

I made the CHOICE and it was entirely mine, to take my husbands name when we were married. My sister made the choice not to take her husbands name. It's our personal choice. I hate being called Ms, I always correct it to Mrs. I hate being called "partner", I always correct it to wife. I'm proud and happy to be married to my husband, why shouldn't I take his name if I want to?
And I am most certainly not his subordinate!!!

Kendodd · 25/02/2013 15:31

What do you think I should do?

I'm married 17 years, didn't take DH's name, what to start my own business, his name would sound so much better than mine. I think I'm going to use his name. What'd think?

Bue · 25/02/2013 15:39

Me too OP. I die a little bit inside every time I see one of those updates. Wish I had asked my DH to post "So proud to be Dr [Bue's surname]!" after our wedding. He so would have done it.

Kendodd, this goes against every fibre in my being but in your case I would probably do it. Mainly because it could be considered a branding issue and I think a catchy name can affect people's perceptions of a business and a brand. What is the business?

NotGoodNotBad · 25/02/2013 15:42

"I'm with you, bling. I struggle to understand why people want to change their name - my name is my name, if I changed surname I would feel like a different person."

Totally agree.

NotGoodNotBad · 25/02/2013 15:44

"So many men laugh or get cross at the suggestion that they could change their name to their wife's. Why is that?
If it's only a name, and oh so trivial really.
Call it a choice if you like, but the fact that it's nearly always the woman changing her name makes it look rather unlike a choice. "

It's mostly not an active "choice", it's people following tradition without actually thinking about it. Or, if their DH kicks up a stink about the possibility that they might not want his glorious name but their own, they think briefly then go along with tradition.

StephaniePowers · 25/02/2013 15:46

I'm with you too, bling, it is depressing, and cheesy to boot.

Kendodd · 25/02/2013 17:13

"Me too OP. I die a little bit inside every time I see one of those updates. Wish I had asked my DH to post "So proud to be Dr [Bue's surname]!" after our wedding. He so would have done it.

Yes agreed, why do women do it? I will never understand.

"Kendodd, this goes against every fibre in my being but in your case I would probably do it. Mainly because it could be considered a branding issue and I think a catchy name can affect people's perceptions of a business and a brand. What is the business?"

Am I a hypocrite or what? In my defence it would only be at work, it wouldn't be my 'real' name and I have been married a long time keeping my own name. It's not just an unconscious decision. And DH does have a pretty cool name, it would work really well.

Kendodd · 25/02/2013 17:22

Just realized something!

Look at me spouting on about how women should keep their names when not only have a taken a man's last name, I have also taken his first!